I was unfaithful #4

[Sanderika]

Hello Mamanpc,

Thank you so much for the "Big Pat On The Back".....

You know I have days where I feel like a lady with her act together and then I have others that I feel like a china doll and am very fragile.

I agree with continuing ML while all is going on between you. In my sitch sometimes that was the only glue that held us together.

I have never stepped out on my H right up to this day. I have had offers and have turned them all down. I really love my H and will continue my stand for quite some time I am sure. I also did not want any regrets or memories to cloud my mind if we did/do reconcile. My H has spoken of many regrets already in the past 40 months. He has to live with the demons he created forever. I feel very bad about the choices he has made. I only hope that he realizes what a gem he already has in me. I realized early on to forgive H for his choices on a daily basis. I also realized that to treat H with respect, friendship, love, compassion and forgiveness was the only possible way to tear down that wall that had been built between us. I also gave my H the freedom to make his own choices regardless of whether I approved or was hurt immensely by his choices. I do not ever ask H questions about his R with his OW. I leave the door open to H here at home for the times when he needs to find a safe haven from the storm. H uses that open door a lot. I keep hoping that the open door and warmth he receives here will eventually be the place he knows he wants and needs.

I have been down a road I have a hard time describing. I have been physically and emotionally ill from this pain. When it all started in Aug. of '05 I went from 124 lbs. to 98 lbs. To this day I can't seem to get my weight back. I bounce around 107 lbs. most of the time. I have come along way. I am only 5'2" so I look good. H likes the way I look right now.

When my H left me I was in a place of depression. I was overworked, overwhelmed and stressed to the max. I started to treat everyone in my life bad. I would shut down in the evening and be asleep by 7:00pm. I wanted everyone to pity me, even though I had it great I could not see it. It mountained to the point my H got depressed and decided not to live with me any longer. He said he kept hoping I would turn things around and didn't. One Sunday out on a Motorcycle drive with a friend , he met this OW. The rest is history and well described in my posts. My H is still with this same OW. My H is not faithful to her with me and she is the one living a life of delusion. I do not want to get too sure of myself. My H is having a hard time breaking free from me. My H does not want to D. It was the OW who drove him to file. Again it is a sordid story and spelled out in my posts.

I am going to continue to stand for H, for how long I am not sure. I see progress in my sitch often enough to keep me standing. I do love him very much. Some would say he doesn't deserve me any longer. I am the one who knows him and loves him. That is a choice I will make if/when I am ready.

I still wish, hope and dream of reconcilation for me and my S12. It's true time does heal all wounds. Some wounds are more stubborn to heal than others. My H is certainly stubborn. I still feel he is in a MLC and I see evidence that it is perhaps coming to an end. My H is now comfortable around me and our home and he enjoys my company even though it is still on his terms. I am greatful for that. Time is still on my side....

Sanderika