Did you work again today? I was extremely unproductive. I did go to church this morning...early service and then had a program for my little guy at his daycare (my old church). So, I technically did 2 morning services!!!
And, I bought groceries. It's amazing how few groceries you need when you eat out all the time!!! I only spent $40!
Just wanted to check in. Hope you have a great night.
Love you! Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
{{Amy}} I did work today and then had to clean after, so I didn't get home until around 5:30..blah..long day I haven't been able to go to church for the past few weeks, and I'm bummed about that, but I am off next Sunday..hooray And the NEXT Sunday, I'll be out of town
Ugh..was gonna come on here and ask advice about something to say or not say to hub, was gonna be good and wait 2 days, but, hub walked in, started a similar discussion, and whammo..LOL..I said it anyway..we had a small blow out..so, if anger is good, then I guess he still has some emotions for me Anyway..we ended it ok I suppose..but whatever..
I ended by asking him if he was planning to take our dog, really it's HIS, he spent more time with him and really wanted him when we got him, when he moved out (I think I liked to give him the idea that I am thinking he's gonna move and not be freaked about it)..anyway..he said "not right away" and I was like "well I would think you'd look for a place you could take him" and he was like "I don't know what I'll have for money"..and I said, to the dog, "I guess I'll have to put up with you for a little longer", hub said "Yep" and then I said, "technically, I don't HAVE to..but I will" and he said, "you're right"..
What our "discussion" boiled down to is that, for the past 2 days, every time my husband even speaks to me it's "why isn't this done, did you do this"..in an accusatory way..for example, even AFTER we had the discussion, he asks me if the dog has eaten yet, but instead of saying it like THAT, he says, "I guess the dog hasn't eaten yet"..and I was like, "hello..THAT was accusatory"...
my hub has always had a tendency to be negative and I think this is really bringing out the negativity in him..without me as his "governor" so to speak..I would be the one to be like "hon, calm down" or something like that..
Anyway..with the accusatory thing, at the end of it, I apologized for not following my own rule about letting things go for a few days and seeing if it was worth talking about, but that I would appreciate it if he was respectful to me as I am being to him. He apologized and said that was true and that he didn't mean to blow up at me..so..ugh..
I also told him that I should have known when he called it would be for something negative, as he doesn't call for anything else and he asked, "like what", and I'm like, "well you use to just call to tell me how your day was, or that you were working late or whatever"..and then I said, "not that I would expect that now" THEN I was like, "yeah..why not? I said I'm not the enemy, according to you, so why not call me and be like, hey Tawnya, was just calling to say hi, or calling to say I'm working late or whatever"..cause I told him HE didn't like it when I nagged him so, I told him, if I knew that was why he called me tonight was to gripe at me for something, then I wouldn't have answered the phone and waited to be griped at later rather than in the middle of a movie I was watching with my daughter!
Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy..LOL..I'm tired of the crap..maybe he does need to move for a while so he could actually miss me or not..well he SHOULD miss me anyway LOL
Sorry..I wrote a novel and didn't mean to..guess I should be glad I have this site as my journaling
Thanks for reading!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
By the way, if Sandi reads my post, she posted something to Lovehimso about being a person that says I'm sorry and that she should stop doing that..I have realized this past weekend that I say I'm SORRY way too much for absolutely no reason..ugh..guess I'm going to have to wear a rubber band around my arm and thump myself every time I do it..I would catch myself so many times this weekend and I'd be like "UGH"..LOL
So..Sandi..if you read this {{{Sandi}}} hugs!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
oh no! You are one of those people that incessantly uses the "I am sorry" to fill a vacuum of space.
Geez... and to think I once liked you. LMAO!!!
In case you couldn't guess, that is a real sore spot and I guess you could call it a pet peeve of mine. Always has been. I am a very literal ..words should be uttered with meaning behind them.
Peace and prayers to you my dear. Hope your day gets off to a shining awesome start.
LOL {{{Tomato}}} I hope you can find a way to like me anyway
I truly agree with you and it's just a habit, obviously, I've gotten into without even realizing it!! Something else for me to work on!
Thank you..I'd love a shining start, as this night has stunk big time, just had a crying FIT..even had to go outside in the 20's weather just to feel like I could breathe..I felt like I just had to get OUT..if I could have run or driven somewhere, but it was like midnight, I would have done it..totally panic attack time..some days I just don't know how the heck I am going to make it thru this craziness..but I know God is there and that He won't give me more than I can bear..but..it feels pretty close...
Thank you for the peace and prayers..I need them both
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
{{Sandi}} By the way..just posted a thank you on MY thread about the I'm sorry thing..so, even tho you wrote it for Kristi and put it here, I don't think it was an accident, cause GIRL..I caught myself doing it like 100 times this weekend and I was like "UGH" every time..I need to thump myself big time!
Hey Sweetie, I'm glad that you notice this in yourself b/c I believe it gets to be such a habit that you don't realize how much you are saying it. My sweet DIL says it a lot and it drives my son crazy. By wearing the rubberband around your wrist, it will make you more concious of saying "I'm sorry" and start saying "excuse me" if you have accidently bumped into another person.....or some other words (depending on the circumstances), but try not saying "I'm sorry". Save the "I'm sorry" for very serious times when you have hurt someone or done something really bad. I think it was LHS that asked what was so wrong in saying "I'm sorry" when you bumped into another person while shopping in a store, for an example. It is just a way of trying to build your self esteem and everytime you say that you are sorry for every tiny move you make or every little word you say wrong......it pulls you down emotionally and mentally. You may not realize it, but it does. And, I'll tell you another part to that.....people will begin to think less of you or disrespect you just a little bit b/c you are always so quick to take the blame by saying "I'm sorry". It is as if you are telling people, "Okay, I'm not worth very much, so go ahead and think less of me b/c I always take the blame wheather it is my fault or not. I expect everyone to think I am to blame so I go ahead and tell them "Im sorry" b/c I expect them to wipe their feet on me." It is almost as if you are giving people an excuse to kick you in the rear for the smallest thing. How much sense does that make? But think about it......the affects over a long period of time.
Now that is kind of dramatic in how I put that but I can't think of anything else this early in the morning. Anyway, by saying "excuse me", you are keeping your self respect, your self esteem and you go on and not beat yourself up. The other person has more respect for you as well and they think no more about it. This all can happen in a matter of a few seconds. However, if you handle it in a incorrect way by saying that you are sorry, it builds up over a lifetime of "I'm sorry" and it does affect you physologically (excuse me, I can't spell this morning). (I almost said, "Sorry, I can't spell this morning".) (See what a habit it can become?) Just try it and see if it is not a baby step in making you feel better about yourself. I can't give all the in's and out's about it like a phys doctor could, but I know and have seen that it does affect a person's self esteem over years of doing this. When it is carried over into the MR.....and it always is.....then the "I'm sorry" person takes the blame for everything b/c they are constantly there saying, "I'm sorry" for whatever the issue may be. I promise you that the spouse will not have as much respect for you when you are there ready to be the doormat and soooooooo ready to say I'm sorry and take the blame. That is what you are doing when you say that. So, make that a project and see what happens this week. I would be interested in knowing how it works for you, LHS, and Kristi, and anyone else that has that habit. I will keep tabs on myself as well and see how I do....okay?
Got to go. Check on you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
{{Sandi and Carp}} Thank you for that..Sandi..I KNOW exactly what you mean and I really do agree with you and Tomato about "words carrying power" and it's something that I don't THINK I realized I did anywhere near as much as I have this past weekend..after I was watching for it..funny Sandi, in another post to Tomato yesterday I almost said I was sorry too..LOL!
Thank you so much for giving me another tool on the road to my "recovery" and better self esteem I will totally take it and I will let you know how I do!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Journaling: Last night just continued to be a stinky stinky night for me, as you could see, it was like 12:30 at night and I'm just crying my eyes out, seriously a panic attack, which I get occasionally, stood outside for a few minutes in the cold just to be in a different environment, look up at the stars, and pray for a few.
I really was having a "stupid vulnerable" night for no reason, and I came in with the intention of going downstairs to my hub and asking him for a hug, nothing more, no expectations, just a piece of human contact..BEFORE you get out the 2 x 4's..don't worry..I got them out on myself..and THANKFULLY he was asleep..so I didn't talk to him and just went back upstairs..
Sigh..I'm better today, but still feeling a bit "down"..I should have a good day tho once I get out and get started..going to take daughter to look at cars..she turns 18 in a month and she's been driving an OLD 1991 Explorer with a bajillion miles, and a friend of ours owns a car dealer place and I may be able to get her a "newer used" car, like a little Kia Rio or Spectra for around $200 a month or something..which would be do-able..talked to daughter and asked if she was serious about having it that she would possibly pay half..so..we'll see..haven't even told hub about that one..since he's separating the money..whatever..my daughter and I could just do it anyway
PS: I'd still love some thoughts on my convo with my hub I had last night, about the respect issues and about my asking him stuff about moving..do you think I came across like a clingy dork or at least decently strong about the moving with the dog part and asking for some respect?
THANKS!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
I haven't been able to go to church for the past few weeks, and I'm bummed about that, but I am off next Sunday..hooray 
