Happy Monday, everyone! I hope that you are all enjoying a beautiful morning and that you have a wonderful day.
It's been a wonderful weekend all-in-all, and I'm prepping myself for a great week. To give you all a short update (if that's even possible for me), I was born again this weekend. Shortly after I typed my last post on Saturday, God lifted away the remainder of my pain. I honestly know that if you're reading this and do not believe in such things/have not experienced it, I probably sound a little crazy. I can honestly say that I am so happy and light and filled with joy that it shocks even me from time to time. I know that all of this happened for a reason. God has changed me, and He is working in me to make me into a new wife and to resurrect our marriage as something far better than it ever could have been. I have faith that He is working in my H as well.
I know that the road I am travelling is long and filled with many obstacles. But I am ready to face them. Life is good, and I have no complaints.
I've asked that God take away my H's pain and give it to me, but I know that my H has to face his own demons. I am praying for him and enjoying life in the meantime. I'm wearing both of our wedding rings now because I know that at this time in our life it is my job to carry the marriage for the both of us, to be the heart for once and wait for him to be the head. He has been the heart for too long, has carried everything for much longer than I.
In any case, here is how my interaction with H went on Sunday. Coincidentally, yesterday was the anniversary of the beginning of our R 11 years ago.
I texted him after church saying: ---"God loves you and so do I. Peace be with you. Happy Pearl Harbor Day. Life is beautiful, my friend."
He did not respond. Later that night, H texted me the following: ---"Hey ____ [my pet name], how was church with ____ [mutual friend]? Also what is my username and password on the electric company website? Wanted to look at my account."
I did not respond right away. I took the time to pray and ask God to guide me. After 6 minutes, he texted again: ---"U there Tom Cruise?"
That comment comes from a convo we had on Saturday where I told him that an old coworker of mine who looks like Tom Cruise emailed asking me to go out for drinks. He'd flipped at first, but then he eventually said I should go have drinks and that it wasn't fair of him to be upset about it.
I called him to tell him the password, etc. Told him church was great. He seemed surprised. I didn't go into details about being saved, etc. I was bubbly and happy (really and truly). I asked if he'd gone to Mass, and he said no, he'd gone to look at places to rent instead. He looked at some trailers that were "dumps" but found one house for rent for $600 a month that came with appliances and had hardwood floors. He seemed fairly excited about it, and the guy renting it out is friends with a coworker of his so he is optimistic. He doesn't think he can get moved in for another two weeks or so, but he's anxious to do it. Said we'd probably need to call the electic company together to work out how to transfer the account to me. I didn't offer any advice on how to do it - just validated and agreed. I ended the phone call first, saying I had to get going to a friend's house. He seemed surprised and a little disappointed but didn't protest.
I got the distinct feeling that he is running. He's turning away from family and friends (know this for a fact). He's avoiding going to Mass. He's talking about joining some crazy motorcycle gang (not seriously) and about going overseas to do some crazy security work in Africa. In the same breath, he says he might stay here. Says he doesn't want to start over again in some ways.
I'm afraid that he'll make rash decisions and get a house, rush filing, etc instead of thinking things through. I'm asking God for guidance and to remove that fear. I know in the end that even if we do divorce on paper that doens't mean we're done. I'd just rather not go there.
I'm not sure how to play this thing. I'm asking God for guidance and I'm waiting for that guidance.
I know H still loves me. It's blatantly obvious. I think he's struggling with pride and guilt and greed and fear right now.
It's funny that he wanted to start a family and find his faith again when he first dropped the bomb. Now, he's running from those exact things.
Any male perspectives out there?
Take care, all, and may God bless you and keep you, ~Nas
