PM Thread #2

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Davidswife,

I've had 5 sessions with DB coach over the last six months. I think it's helpful because unlike traditional counseling which is very focused on me as a person, DB coaching is more results-oriented and very pro-marriage and it gets to the thick of things right away.

They are helping me in a way that really opens my eyes to why my H behaves in certain ways. It's nice to hear something telling me when things I'm doing is not beneficial in the marriage as opposed to traditional counsellor who is SO careful not to tread on my toes that sometimes I need a firmer hand.

Also both my DB coaches, Joanne and Jodi are so kind and so focused that it helps me focus very quickly into the major things that I am doing wrong and help me get back on track to a better marriage. I may not like what they have to say, but it gives me food for thought and I know deep in my heart that they are right.

I am feeling a little stronger now that we are over his holiday. I needed someone to brace me and not panic whenever I find out that he has lied yet again and he is spending more precious and romantic time with the OW. I am so jealous for myself and for my kids. But DB coach tells me I have to do the opposite of what my gut feeling is telling me. My gut says to scream and preach and cry and try to talk logic and sense into him. But DB coach is telling me to show him that I don't need anything from him. That I can have a perfectly happy normal life without him. Because begging is not sexy. Because being confident, happy and relaxed is way more attractive. So that is what I am trying to do. To GAL for myself and also to produce a happy vibe. It's working on me too because when I act happy, I become happier!!!! It's true. If I act sad, I become sadder. So if I have a choice, I'm going to choose happy! So I exercise almost everyday, do things I like to do, do some work, put in some quality time with kids and friends and I am fulfilled. I try not to think about the bad stuff and my loss.

That's why I was hesistant to go to separation counselling with H because I didn't want to dredge up all the negative feelings, it felt like backpaddling. But my IC says it's important to do the agreement so I finally agreed. IC will draft something up and the three of us will meet on it.

I will try to stay positive, though and not try to get all worked up about everything. That's why I am keeping my mouth shut. The more negativity that comes forth, the worse our relationship gets. It's that simple so I am keeping a lid on things. I don't want to backpaddle anymore. I don't want to give him fuel to file D on me. I don't want him to give him another excuse to fly into OW's arms and take 'revenge' on me. I am trying to be more zen and let things go. Not bury them and hold grudges but truly let everything go. That's the only way I can find peace for me. That's for me, not for him.