Just bear in mind that if it is MLC and PTSD or just PTSD then the normal rules of divorce busting won't necessarily apply. I followed my gut instinct most of the way and luckily it didn't let me down. So all I can say is go with your gut -if you think he needs a loving hug and support then do it. Withdraw when necessary and try and know when to take some flack and when to say "stop". Good luck with it all.
I think what I have found is by just being nice, pleasant, and not overbearing or pushy tends to get him talking to me. Yesterday, my oldest daughter (previous marriage) had a baby boy, and we did text back and forth. It really depends on how he is feeling, and I am realizing that no matter what the technical term for this is, he is very unhappy. It doesn't have anything to do with me. Therefore, the best thing I can do is let him set the pace, and have a lot of patience and faith. I find that going with the flow, and not pushing, is the best with us. When he feels he is getting to close, he ultimately pulls the divorce trump card to get me to back off. I have handled it different ways, either breaking down, which I won't do again, or just saying "I understand." Saying I understand took the pressure off him. Therefore, I do know H is using that to try and gain his own footing, and get his own emotions under control. He has not filed, so I realize that this is just his way of trying to test the waters.
At any rate, I have somehow developed a sense of peace in realizing that H is hurting right now, and although there might not be much I can do about it, I can be there when he needs me.
Ellie, you have no idea how much I appreciate your advice. It is nice to finally know a little more of what I am dealing with. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him things will be okay, but I also realize that is what I want, and right now my needs have to take the back burner, in a sense. I don't think I need to be a doormat, and have managed to set boundaries, but H really has been kind through this, not mean. He has said hurtful things, but not usually in anger, I think, just in frustration. So I will keep hanging in there, because ultimately I want a strong marriage.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yes it absolutely will depend on how he is feeling. If he is depressed he will either reach out for you or shut himself away completely. Oh I so went through the get close and then run scenario! I know how heartbreaking that is. H used to come round for dinner and watch a bit of TV with us and I would sit close to him sometimes with my head on his lap - he would never touch me but seemed not to mind this contact. Then at 9pm he would jump up like he had been burned and rush out.
Hang on in there you are doing so well. He once said to me that he felt like he was in a rushing pool of water and he was floundering but I was the rock and he knew he could reach out and grab hold. Not an easy place to be and sometimes I really resented it too. Where was he when I needed him?! If I can be any help or comfort to you I am only glad to do so. Did you find the other forums helped at all?
They have helped, yes, they are full of a lot of information. I also have a sense of peace. I spoke w/ H this morning, he is very stressed about his job and has been sick for almost a month. I asked how he was feeling, and told him that if he needed anything to please let me know. He said he would.
His b-day is coming up. I would like to just send a card w/ a Starbucks gift certificate in it, little note saying I know how hard he is working, and the caffeine might help. Do you think that would be okay?
I would really like it if he views me as a safe person, safe to talk to, safe to be with, not to feel any pressure. I know, in light of some of the panic I have had in the past, it will take some time to get there. But now that I have some knowledge of what is going on, I feel pretty confident that I can do that.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hi yes I think the card and gift certificate would be very appropriate. I know that bdays and xmas were a nightmare as I wanted to give something but didn't know what was appropriate.
My H was also off sick during most of our separation. He did in fact receive medical retirement and that was a year ago now.
You have a good positive attitude and I am sure he sees this and judging by the amount of contact you have you appear to be helping anchor him slightly. Good luck and keep doing what you are doing as it seems to be working.
Hey Ellie...do I sign it Love Lola, or just Lola??? I don't want to push my luck, but I also know this is not a normal sitch.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hard for me to say. Does H say he loves you but can't live with you or anything similar. If he says or said that then reciprocating it can't be a bad thing (the love bit obviously! :-) ). What does your instinct tell you - would he even notice how you signed it? lol I often told H that I loved him and towards the end he would say I know. To start off with I think it annoyed him as he was convinced I didn't and I was just saying it. However, eventually everything sort of added up and he realised that I did. He didn't obviously say it back but it did give him food for thought. I don't know how things are between the two of you now and don't get me wrong my H was really horrible to me at times. He blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life (as he saw it). He says now that one of the reasons he came back to us was because of the way I stood firm through it all and was the one constant in his life. I told him that I would not stand in the way of his happiness and agreed to the D. I found that he was often just looking for a fight so he could say to himself "there she doesn't love you this was the right thing to do" and justify what he was doing. Does any of this sound familiar?
Yes it does, although the words are a little different. He says he cares about me but does not love me. Of course, when he says that, he always looks down and to the left, and very quickly, sometimes before I can finish (although I haven't asked in quite some time). LOL there is a story behind that...when he was special ops he was trained to tell if someone was lying, and once told me how. He said the timing of the response is this: people who are telling the truth will usually wait 2-3 seconds before answering. People who are lying will answer either very quickly, or very slowly. They look down and to the left because they are using the right side of the brain to "think" of an answer if they are lying. If they look down and to the right, they are thinking of the truthful answer. I can tell by the look on his face he loves me.
He has also told me that he feels he is a "yes" man, and in this instance he wants to stand firm and say no to reconciliation. About three or four weeks ago, he said that he feels things would be different for the first few months, and then go back to the way they were, and he doesn't want to put D12 through another traumatic separation (she is my daughter from a previous M), and that she seems to be doing well now and doesn't want to disrupt that. D12 is doing well, and doesn't mention H much, but her scrapbook and books for school that she needed to decorate w/ family pictures have pix of him all over them. She misses him too. But I have not told him that, as I just discovered it when I was looking through her stuff, cleaning out her backpack.
Since I am a paralegal, H knows it would be very easy for me to file and do the paperwork on my own. I have told him that I won't, I won't fight him if he wants the D, but I won't do it for him. I stand firm by that.
I know H knows I love him, so I am not sure if signing the card that way is a good thing. But at the same time, I want him to know I am still here. We have had a few conversations this week, mostly brief, but I have let him know if he needs anything to let me know, and he said he would. I am not sure he would notice, but if he did, it might give him something to think about. D12 will sign the card too, so if it is "love" from both of us, I am thinking it might give him a memory of us as a family, rather than a feeling that I am trying to "lure", so to speak, him back in.
I think H knows, like your H said, I am a constant in his life. He knows he can depend on me if he needs something...lol...at the beginning of the week he sent me a text for the account number for his mortgage payment. I had to laugh just a little because this isn't even my house. He owned it before we were married, and under Texas law that falls as personal property rather than community. But still, I sent him a text w/ the account number, and followed up w/ a phone call.
Okay, that was long...and I haven't even had my second cup of coffee!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
My H also said that he said yes to things he didn't want to! They will only see things the way they want to and not as it actually, was, is or happened! Hope you decide how to sign off the card. We had been married 20 years with 2 girls and it was very hard on them both. The youngest was 8/9 at the time and tried very hard not to take sides and H said she really helped. The older D (15) was much harder on him and really struggled with the whole thing. She was very cautious when we got back together but is fine now and a usual 17 year old! I just felt that through it all he wasn't the person I knew and was suffering so badly. It is very hard to see someone you love so confused and miserable.
A friend suggested I sign the card "Always..." and I agreed. It is still personal but not exactly "Love." I feel the same way, H is not the man I married, but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of him, so I know he is still in there. I know he hurts, and it is hard that there is nothing I can do. I just pray that somehow I can continue to reach out and he will take my hand. He has in the past, but ultimately when it gets to close, he backs off. But I am a constant in his life, and will continue to be.
I have two adult daughters, and my oldest, D23, is very supportive. D21 is in the selfish self centered phase, but neither of them live at home so it doesn't really affect what is going on here. D12 is a great kid, and every once in a while will mention him, but not often. She knows that I am still trying, but at the same time I also want her to have a life so its not like I am sitting around moping.
Ellie, what was it that eventually helped your H realize there was a problem?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
