BeingMe, The odd part is, I would probably reconcile with him in some way if he asked but that would be a long way off since I really doubt I will ever be married again, even to him. At least at this point I don't think I could muster up enough trust. He is in Texas for 5 years, I think, and unless this book project (or something else) proves to provide enough income that I can flit around as I please I don't see me leaving Alaska since all the kids and grandkids are here.
WCW, I am still angry but that is as much because I'm tired as anything. I know there is no way to see the future but the way it looks righ now, I don't ever see retirement in my future now. That in itself makes me angry, I have worked for many years, was going to retire at 58, since he will have a pension that will be about 2.5 times what I earn a year -- well, we would have had a pension, it is all his now.
Everything I got in the divorce I ended up giving to the IRS (penalty for early withdrawal of funds) and debtors and it wasn't enough to be out of the debt I got from the divorce.
I live in the fixer-upper from hell (I guess God showed me for saying I'd never live in another fixer upper) because it was all I could afford to buy and the sellers were not forthcoming on the disclosure statement. Yes, I could still sue them and I could probably win a judgment but THEN I would have to figure out a way to collect it. The courts only award -- so, I haven't pursued it.
I work full-time and earn more than a lot of people but I still can't pay everything at the end of the day. So, I've tried a couple of network marketing, actually am trying a third now because one merged with another company and reworked the comp plan so instead of earning $500 a month in commission I'm getting 0, the other one is a good company but has just never taken off for me. So, I did some company auditing as an independent contractor and learned that most of the places that promise a bonus never pay it, and the flat rate barely covers my gas costs let alone pay me for my time.
So, it is how does one go about healing and "getting back out into life" when all one does is work and sleep. Not to mention, I just don't have the desire to move back into a serious relationship -- no trust. I don't even have the desire to get in a 'friends' relationship.
My XH was a very kind, caring person when I met him. He was very grounded and knew what he wanted from life. I think we might have been able to ride out his MLC but we were in a transition mode when he 'decided' what was best for us and that he wanted to be single. We had our loan approved for a new house in Anchorage, and were getting our house we'd lived in for 20+ years ready to put on the market in the Valley, we had been house hunting together and not found anything yet. We were standing in our kitchen and I asked him about getting together with the realtor to look at a couple of more houses, nothing too unusual, and he just looked at me and said, "I don't think I want to be married anymore." I still dream about him, us, our family ... how do you shut that off?
I guess that is one reason I don't visit the BB too often. It is still so hard to see the struggling, the hopefulness, and look back at the last five years of my life knowing there probably isn't anything I could have done a lot differently but it still hurts and it still brings me to tears to read some of the postings here. A close friend recently told me I live too much in the past ... I don't know how to live my life differently from what I am. I don't have the finances to travel or even to meet my friends at a restaurant they go to every Saturday -- so, 99.9% of the time I stuff it in a box, close the lid, go to work, or work on my place and just don't think about it. Day to day is all I can manage.
I hope you join the The Book. I am excited about that. I have a couple of short articles that were published and my thesis -- so I'm nervous but excited.
