Scared but ready #4

[Little Engine]

It's not human. They are these nice, friendly, "loving," inhuman people. They give no "voice."

We love you so much, but nothing you say matters and your feelings don't matter, and you just shouldn't feel that way then. We want to take you to Mexico because we're such great parents...but we can't pay you for taking an hour a day off to get RADIATION TREATMENT. But, there isn't anything, anything, we wouldn't do for you!!! We took you to Mexico!!! But I'm going to Branson for a week after your cancer surgery so I can't help with the kids. But I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I MISS THE KIDS. OH how I WISH I had gotten to take them to Six Flags...I love you!!!

Gonna beat you up a bit here. Remember those you blame hold power over you! I get the sarcasm but in between the lines I see you saying "If you had been better parents, I wouldn't be married to this ogre of a son you raised." Let this go to be a healthier breakaway!

Just catching up and thinking about the IC and the whole big sky vs. backyard thing. IC never said you couldn't check out Montana and then return to the backyard? Also the symbolism could be applied to M. It has been in the backyard and now it is time to head towards the Big Sky. H wants you to lead him out of his misery--he just can't admit it yet, kids want you to get them to a better place, and so far it looks like you are doing it through trying to learn and understand more about you, your H and your familial relationship. Nothing happens quickly enough for us here, but look at how much better you are doing since you first arrived! I like the analogy of using a beginners mind that is referred to in the DR book. It doesn't mean going back to the beginning, but allowing yourself to be open-minded enough to consider every possibility. Open-minded enough to consider that there is more and likely something better outside the backyard.

What if H quit tyring to "handle it" in regards to the treatment. I mean, hell he's gotta let it out already. Seems like all he's doing is channeling his pain toward you and the kids.

Emotionally incapable I would think. Cancer is associated with weakness and he has to be tough, strong, better than ever guy to beat the expectations of being a failure that he feels are placed on him. How do you avoid failure? Control.

Vulnerability is something H cannot show, he is frustrated because of it, because he wants to be loved, but can't be vulnerable and to be truly loved, you have to show your partner what you are lacking, total vulnerability. So H gets the cancer diagnosis and BOOM! Instant vulnerability crisis! Cancer:Weakness; Weakness:Vulnerability PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!

BA, did H want to keep the cancer news on the down low after the initial diagnosis? If so that might've fed his need to negate all the expectations that he feels are projected onto him by those who would show sympathy to cancer-stricken H. Well wishers come with expectations, much like birthday gifts and greeting cards. I can only think H dreaded all of that sort of stuff. Or, did he 180 and become a different person altogether? If he cannot meet the expectations, he does a drastic personality change to throw off everyone's perceptions of him? He escapes himself by becoming an emotionally different person, detached from the person he was before. Either one of these something H did?

I offer it up because this is how I have handled stuff in the past. This is the part of me I would like to leave behind.

The other episode about his parents coming for dinner just seems more like "control" spew. I think what you said about reality vs. what is in his head is pretty accurate.

Men's Health magazine... had a page on "speaking her language" and he joked about how he needed to read it...and he looked at it for a while..and then he finally said.."I just don't get this." He seriously doesn't.

Did you read it and try to use this as an avenue? Turn it around and ask him about what his language might be? Or did you just cut to the recipes? It seems like he was open to it and at least tried to read it, but either he did get it and it scared him (vulnerability) so he had to dismiss it with a critical comment and remove any expectations you might have of the new "educated" H, or truly H just doesn't get it! He is trying. If this had been my W and I, I would've loved her to engage me in a convo about how to love me. Granted ours would've drifted into some sexual needs talk, but I just wanted to know I was good enough in my W's eyes.


LE