1. that she quit her job (OM worked there); 2. that she send a no-contact letter to OM, content approved by me and letter MAILED by me (so that she didn't add anything, or "minimize" it in any way); 3. that she change her cellphone #, and get detailed billing on the new one, to come to me; 4. that she get a full-panel STD test
I would without question insist upon full no-contact, backed up by a bullet-proof transparency plan.
I agree with Puppy. Also, you asked about the intimacy. You will need to be very patient there. Build up your emotional intimacy and you will start to see her physical intimacy. What she had with OM was fantasy like with no responsibilities and she let her heart close out to you and fill with the OM. It will take a while to reverse that. It's there, she isn't faking her love to you, but she has to tear down that wall she built with you. Make sure you don't go back to the way it was before the affair. Make sure you keep the changes you made going. Give her time. And follow through on those boundaries. She cannot contact the OM or you will get no where.
Congratulations, BC. You have accomplished a lot. Have you looked into the Retrouvaille program, http://www.helpourmarriage.org? Probably WDID has already recommended it. It is a great place to turn the relationship around -- away from the old destructive patterns, to new constructive ways of relating to each other.
Good to hear, buddy! SLOW AND STEADY, okay? Retrouvaille would be GREAT for you guys, or even just reading "HIs Needs, Her Needs" together, and doing the exercises.
if OM hadn't left my wife, she wouldn't be reconciling with me
That's a very understandable thought, BC. But you're looking at it the wrong way.
Instead, say, "I was fortunate that my wife came back to me, even though I didn't do things right and only because OM dumped her. Now I'm going to really work on my marriage, including AFFAIR-PROOFING my marriage, so that God forbid if this ever happens again, I will be better equipped to deal with it."
That being said, you are, nevertheless, in a precarious place, as she may be just one "OH, I'M SO SORRY BABY!!!" OM phone call away from leaving you.
Use your time wisely, and please keep some sort of intel channel open in order to protect yourself, brother.
if OM hadn't left my wife, she wouldn't be reconciling with me
True. It's also true that most stories involve an OP, and reconciliations require the OP out of the picture. Ideally it's your spouse dumping OP, but take what you are given.
What worries me more is that it happened so fast. I fear that you didn't have a chance to build up your self-esteem to the point you realize that it isn't you that's lucky, it's her, that you'd even bother to take her back. Keep that in mind....you can survive. She can't hurt you.
P.S. Congrats that things are going well. Enjoy it. Remember to look at what you are doing differently, when things are going well.
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 12/10/0805:41 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
