Yes, a virtual connection with you and I online simultaneously! Sometimes I imagine the DB board to be like a grand ballroom cocktail party that is open 24/7. Posters come and go at different times and conversations strike up in different circles as people move around the room to listen and participate in the different thread/conversations, and btw neither your h nor Ali's bf, nor any of our WAS' are invited to this particular party!!
I know what you are saying about W. not being completely clear...this weekend, I found myself seeing her as perhaps not resolved about it all, or like you said, needing some time away. But then I found myself later thinking she must be involved with someone else. And then it shifted again-- I thought of her as being so "right"...about everything--it's like in those moments I can't see her in anything other than an idealized image: without any major issues, doing well, somewhat sad but full speed ahead in her life and no regrets, etc. And then I go back to reviewing facts of how everything unfolded and realize that I'm taking it all on again.
I find there are so many day-to-day reminders / triggers of her...things that come up and I miss her. The acceptance part has been very, very difficult for me because I don't have much of an understanding about how/why this could be the only way. It does help to read about other people's sitch's. I am still amazed after being here for nearly a year--how many stories have such similarities.
I find it would be easier to grieve the loss of the relationship if w. were to have acknowledged / taken some responsibility. Even if the outcome were no different, for her to say "I know this must be so confusing and seem crazy, but I just can't see any other way right now than to leave you. There is so much stuff going on inside me and a lot of it doesn't have to do with you, but I feel I have to leave. I am so sorry for how shocking and hurtful my actions are to you. You do not deserve this." Okay, well, that is dreaming isn't it?! But I feel like it would mean so much to hear something like that--it would not hurt any less as a loss, but it would somehow make it easier to come out more intact with my self-esteem.
Instead, I reflected this weekend that there really was no point in any email, discussion, or counselling session that we had where she took ANY responsibility for what happened. So, even though she didn't blame me directly for everything, it is her absence of acknowledging her responsibility for difficulties in the relationship. And then, there is the whole business of the process of leaving and a complete severing of commitment--not a word really on taking responsibility for how her decisions and actions have been so directly hurtful.
And in spite of all that, or in addition to it, I still miss her very much and know that somehow she does care very much about me. She doesn't hate me.
My life still feels very empty, even though I am fairly active and busy. I miss living with her, hearing her having a bath or working on something or the sound of the garage door opening signalling her return home at the end of a day. You know, after 8 years together, I never stopped genuinely being excited to see her each day.
