Had a Xmas party with my sailing club on Friday night, W couldn't go because of the shop, but I went anyways, dropped off the boys at her shop on the way to the party (she had agreed to that). Went in dressed up, smelling nice (thanks Sandi for that advice I think it helps a LOT!), talked for a little bit and left. She told me to tell everybody hi from her... was a little confused on that, because she doesn't know these people barely at all....??
On Sat, there was a Xmas parade and so I hung out at her shop for a little bit while waiting for the parade and things were very relaxed. I was able to keep myself very detached and it was good!
Had a good date with my W last night, went to see a movie and had a quick bite to eat before. We had great conversations just about all kinds of things, just like old times again... But I was able to be detached, act cool and be a best friend. So I think it went good!
Footnote: I would still like a woman's perspective on the post above... Thanks in advance!
I can identify with a lot of what you two are saying. I have had to fight depression and weight since I was a teenager. My H would tell me the same thing as you tell your W, Sam. However, when I did lose a lot of weight, I could tell he was excited and could hardly keep his hands off of me. I have never lost it as quickly as your W did, therefore I would tend to think that it would affect her mental and emotional part as much as the physcial part. You are doing right, I think, by continuing to tell her how good she looks, but if you can work it in occassionly, I would throw in that you have always thought she looked good b/c you were attracted to who she was on the inside as much if not more than the girl on the outside. I know her LL is words of affirmation and she needs that from somebody. Whoever gives it to her will be the one she will want to hang around with b/c it feeds her ego. I wonder though if you pulled back just a little with the compliments.....what would she do? Have you tried that? It's like it doesn't mean as much coming from you b/c you are her H. If she hears it from somebody else, then she is more convinced and it means more b/c she knows they didn't have to say it, etc. It is hard to explain on paper what I am trying to say. She was already having a lot of issues about her body image and the fast weight loss has compounded those issued in my opinion. The thing is, if the doctor takes her off the medication, she will gain it all back. Then what will she do? I am sure her doctor has realized the weight loss and if he is what he should be, he should get suspicious of why she is taking it. I have not heard of anyone taking that everyday. Does she take it everyday? I don't know how it would make her lose weigt unless it was everyday.
Anyway, the holidays is a wonderful time to show off your best side, as far as your looks are concerned. So, to you and LHS, take advantage of doing that. If you have a party or anywhere to go and know your S will see you at any part of the event....before, after, or during.......knock 'em out with your outfit and yes, how good you smell! If you don't want to buy new clothes right now, you can have your old ones alterated by a seamstress. Having clothes too big on you is not very attractive either. Although, it is better than seeing rolls and bulges.
Well, I don't think I gave much advice or said what you were looking for Sam, but all you can do at this point is wait for her to try to work through a lot of stuff that she is going through. I understand how she feels about "ML to her brother" and it is not something she wants to feel. It is very frustrating. I could go on, but I need to get ready for work. I will check on you laters.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are doing right, I think, by continuing to tell her how good she looks, but if you can work it in occassionly, I would throw in that you have always thought she looked good b/c you were attracted to who she was on the inside as much if not more than the girl on the outside.
I try to do that when I can. On thanksgiving day she showed me her old driver's license with her pic of when she was heavier and said: Look how fat I was!! I told her I still think she looked pretty. However, it's been at least a couple of months since I last told her that I love her for what's inside of her more than the outside. I used to say that all the time when she was heavier, but I guess that never really sunk in.
I haven't really tried not to give her any compliments although I certainly don't do it every time I see her. I also try to give her compliments on things other than her appearance, like her art, her webwork and her designs. For the last couple of weeks she has made it a point to show me what she has made lately and it looks awesome as usual and so I tell her. She asked for comments on a newsletter that she did and I told her about a few things I would change and she replied: Good catch! Thanks for looking over it! I am seeing some improvement coming from those things, so I am keeping it up!
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She was already having a lot of issues about her body image and the fast weight loss has compounded those issued in my opinion.
Do you mean her body issues and her issues with our M?
About the meds: she's been off of it for about 4-5 weeks in Sept-Oct, but she has strated again at a lower dosage. She did not gain any weight back during that time tho. I think it just helped her persevere with what she wanted to achieve anyways. And yes, it's an everyday preventive medication and she says it does help prevent her migraines but she still has regular headaches.
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all you can do at this point is wait for her to try to work through a lot of stuff that she is going through.
Sounds like you are saying to stay the course with my current actions. So I am doing pretty good?
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I understand how she feels about "ML to her brother" and it is not something she wants to feel. It is very frustrating.
Do you think that's where the: "It really sucks that I cannot ML to you!" is coming from? She would like to get back to ML to me, but just doesn't know how to, just knows she doesn't want it to feel like "ML to her brother".
Thanks for stopping by again! BTW, I have been religiously applying your "nice smell" suggestion. On Sat, I was on my way to her shop and realized that I had forgotten to put on some aftershave, so I turned around and went back home to do that! LOL! I also burn scented candles in the house so that it smells nice in there when she comes by.
Also: what are your thoughts on this other guy friend that I was posting on above? Do you feel like that could have played or is still playing a role in all of this?
Hi Sam, yes I think you are doing a wonderful job at DBing. I don't know what else you could do to make it better. You are not complimenting her too much and yet you are doing it enough. I am afraid I'm not much help in the bedroom department since I had some of the same problems. I still do not know the answer.
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Do you think that's where the: "It really sucks that I cannot ML to you!" is coming from? She would like to get back to ML to me, but just doesn't know how to, just knows she doesn't want it to feel like "ML to her brother".
Yes I really do, Sam, b/c she does not want to feel like she is ML to her brother. She wants to feel passion! That is what I wanted so badly and I felt nothing. The only thing that I know to tell you is to keep being attractive and acting sexy. Be charming in everything and act sexy in everything. Sometimes after we've been married for several years, we seem to forget how to do that....lol. But, I fully understand not wanting the lights on while ML, etc. B/c I was there. Then when I lost weight.....I was like a different person. I was fun in the bedroom. I really wished there was a good therapist to help her....but I am so leary of them b/c it is very hard to find a "good" one. So many of them are sex perverts or messed up themselves....lol. It's not funny, I shouldn't laugh, but it is getting hard to be able to trust some professionals anymore. Has she ever said anything about getting counseling for her "issues"? I just be they all tie in together.
Anyway, continue doing what you are. Be careful not to discuss her to anyone b/c she will be very sensitive about that. Good job on the after shave. She may not say anything.....but she notices!!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
