WAW has been home for 19 weeks now

[BobbiJo]

If you would prefer not to move yet, DON'T. Do what you need to do for yourself right now, don't base anything on her unless/until the two of you are a true team/couple again....just my thoughts...

Or put another way

If there was NO W in the picture, would you want to move right now? B/C there is always the possibility you get there, and she leaves, then what?

(This is based on a friend who wanted to move to a new town b/c her sister lived there....she was asked, "What if your sister moves in 5 years, would you still want to live there?" You have to do what YOU want to do....)

[GH31]

On Monday 12/01/2008 OM came to my house to get some personal effects back off my W. He apparently verbally abused her for about 2 minutes and said some very mean things, then left. An email which I read from my W to him afterwards confirms this.

I am extremely confused and perplexed.

W and and spent the entire weekend together. Literally, we were hardly out of each other's site.

We did all of our Christmas shopping, went out together in the city and made love on both days.

Then I intercepted her email account and discovered more contact with OM - emails sent today. He still wants her to go back to England to be with him, and she said she will (she has been telling him that for over half a year); in fact OM told his family that W said she would be coing back for Christmas. However, this weekend W and I have been looking at Christmas gifts together, and all cards have been signed from us both.

Then in the last email OM said he is heartbroken and really upset that she hasn't kicked me to the kerb yet. He then asked W not to contact him again saying that the situation has to end one way or another - it's better that she just shows up.

But what is so confusing is that she wants to hang around with me so much, wants sex, seems perfectly happy to have my child, wants to film me for a part in a short film that she's doing, was disappointed when my job offer in Europe fell through last week and the rest of it. In literally every respect she wants me to be a husband to her - not just for financial support (she's capable of that herself) but for conversation, sex, hanging out, doing fun things together, all family functions etc.

If she is planning to leave me then she's making life hard for herself. I just don't know what to do with her. I don't want to get a divorce - she was never this way before her affair - but this arrangement just won't do. The trouble is if I leave, I am quite sure I will never see her again. She'll run off to OM on the other side of the world and that will be that. She might want to try again later but that isn't something I can rely on and I don't think I can go through this DBing thing again.

But what really bothers me is she will not wear her wedding ring and hasn't told me she loves me in nearly a year. This is still a very deranged mess.

I have not made her aware that I have access to her email and I have not threatened her with anything.

[Sara]

GH,

Let's just say she and OM break up. Then what? How long before you are in the same situation with another OM. There are literally millions of OM who could join your little family. It is not simply a matter of this affair ending. If she enjoys, and I think she does, having 2 men in love with her, then she will set the scenario up again. This gives her security. She knows that if you break up with her she always has him. Or vice versa. And if she gets down to just one man, either you or him, then she will have to find another. In her mind, she is too much woman for just one of you. Or said another way, neither of you is enough man to satisfy her.

[GH31]

Sara,

I fully appreciate what you're saying but we were together 8.5 years before this all started and there were definitely no third parties during that time.

The reason I know is that we have always been so toghether in everything, i.e. it's been virtually impossible for her to create the double life necessary to have an affair. We have literally known everything about each other's lives.

The only reason I have carried on DBing is that this is so out of character for her however, the longer I am at this the more forget what she used to be like.

I am seriously wondering whether she is having a MLC or an onset of multiple personality disorder.

[Phoenixdeux]

GH31,

Yours is a very tough situation and I struggle with advice. What makes it especially difficult is her unique ability to continue to string two guys along so well, without giving up sex. I'd have to believe she does have feelings for you or she'd give that up. Of course, she could be guy-like in her ability to maintain two sexual relationships.

One thing I do note about your situation is you both are acting from the position of fear. You can deny it if you wish, but I think you can't do tough love because you fear losing her. She won't run off because she to some degree fears losing you. I wouldn't be able to continue this relationship, knowing she still had this other thing going on. During my time away from my wife (divorced from her actually) I did realize that life could be fine without her. I could kick her to the curb if she cheated on me. Can you function fine without her?

[GH31]

Hey Phoenixdeux,

One thing I do note about your situation is you both are acting from the position of fear. You can deny it if you wish, but I think you can't do tough love because you fear losing her. She won't run off because she to some degree fears losing you.

You are right. We are both operating from a position of fear and at the same time we have a very tight and close bond. I don't know what you would call it but we spend literally hours together every week and never seem to tire of each other's company. We banter with each other, make fun of each other and talk all the time.

The thing is, I did lose her in Janaury this year. That was horrendous but when she came back in April crying "reconciliation" then went back to OM 9 days later, I pulled the plug and came back to Australia then ended communication with her. The first two weeks were dreadful but after that I started to feel better and able to imagine a life without her. Then just over 3 weeks later she came back.

It would be much harder now psychologically for me to do tough love with her and I think W is afraid of me doing it, because I did it before and that was no fun for her at all. The reason it would be tougher now is because we have been spending every day together for nearly 7 months and DBing has worked as well as it can work whilst an EA/PA is still in progress. I guess we have reattached ourselves to each other.

I wouldn't be able to continue this relationship, knowing she still had this other thing going on. During my time away from my wife (divorced from her actually) I did realize that life could be fine without her. I could kick her to the curb if she cheated on me. Can you function fine without her?

I did function (albeit suboptimally) without her when we were apart - particularly after I had decided to end all communication with her. But, leaving her now would be extremely tough to do - it would be like sawing off an arm. W even says because of my DBing that I am "making it very difficult for her to leave" and last night she said "the thought of you with another wife drives me nuts. You've messed up for 8 years at my expense and someone else gets to benefit." (?). I know her thinking is very, very messed up.

Oh, and this morning she has decided to wear her wedding ring for the first time in about two months. There was a week in September when she wore it most days then that stopped after OM announced his visit to Australia.