Thank you everyone for your replies. It feels good to hear from others!
I knew that my brief summary would be rather incomplete, to the point of being potentially misleading, so here is some more detail, and depending on what one reads into it, I am either on track with DB, or I am being a Polly Anna.
OM lives only a few miles from our home. Same school district. I do know that OM's W is aware of the EA, and they have been quarreling about it themselves. OM is in therapy to "get over" my W, less so to work on his marriage. My big problem is that my W is still initiating contact with him (email mostly and may have met) in a way that remains flirtatious, like trying to keep him close, so she does not lose him to another woman (not his wife). Imagine that!
My struggle is to stay the DB course until she realizes what she has here is better than her fantasy, or to vent my frustration at her persistent lying and pursuit of OM with more of an ultimatum (last resort?) And a tactical consideration is that to confront means to reveal that I am tapped into their communications, which could just push them to a different level of secrecy, out of my knowledge. Most times I feel that there is a real benefit to knowing what is going on, so that I will be able to believe it, first hand, when this all stops, in some perfect future. If I loose my "ears and eyes", I will be in the dark again.
Anyway, I told you it was more complicated. She hugs be tightly and tells me not to worry, that things will work out, and she doesn't want to cause me to be sad. But I don't ask if she "contacted" OM lately; I don't want to hear her lie because I know the truth. But hey, maybe this is the process that goes on unwritten in the DB book stories; it's not a quick straight line when "Joe" decides he is better off with W than OW. I hope I am just witnessing the wavering that presages the final decision.
Oh, and one last thing. W calls it EA because "sexually unconsummated", but there was the middle aged equivalent of "parking" going on. (actually PA then?) This has all stopped since they have not been meeting regularly, so I am achieving an improvement that strains their continued relationship. But they still write of "hope" for the future, which is why I want to remained tapped in.
