Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

Which came first, my wife's turn towards the dark side, or my shunning W in favor of D ?

I really don't know.

I do know that when a child is born, a lot of men feel like they are second fiddle for a while. I fell so in love with our daughter that Wife may have felt that.

If she did, the downward spiral for her may have begun there. She says that after D was born she felt abandoned. That I had been so good to her until the birth.

And in fact, I had neglected to go find my wife in recovery for several hours after the cesearean, which I eternally regret. I was so excited with our baby, I did not think about what my wife might need at that time. I really regret that she felt abandoned.
If I could only have a do over.....

But we were already having problems with intimacy, all the way back to our wedding night, according to her. It seemed that there were many unfathomable difficulties in the intimacy area and I really was put off by her unending issues and how she blamed me for them.

So, I had felt rejected before the birth of the baby. So D comes along and now I have someone who is a hell of a lot easier to love.

After about 6 mos, it becomes evident that W is having difficulty with staying at home with baby, but that eventually evolves into W having difficulty with being a nurturing mother, and ultimately her leaving our marriage. At which point for the first time in 5 years she begins to spend time with our D again!

How easily this could have be averted with respectful communication and some crucial insight from the get go! I had no idea what PTSD from rape was then, or why she might have so many difficulties with intimacy. She didn't either, and blamed me for not being a good enough lover.

But tonight there has been a minor breakthrough.....


After being skewered a few times today I was ready to walk out early after having brought dinner over.

She made an attempt to justify her being pissed off at me for 'overriding' her authority. I listened because I had to...I just wanted to leave, but she insisted that I stay. So I stayed and tried to find something I could validate without seeming to agree with her wrong conclusions. Because what happened to upset her happened so fast I had no idea what was going on. It was her interpretation of events more than the events themselves.

So I listened. After some moments of silence I finally said: 'There are many facets to this issue, and a lot of history. We can't really talk about it now, and I don't know if I can ever talk to you about it. There are two sides to every arguement, and I listen to yours, but you don't listen to mine. You know firsthand how it is to have a primary relationship with someone who you cannot speak the truth to...' We both knew I was referring to her mother.

After a moment of reflection she said: 'Is that how it is with me ?'

'Yes.'

She was quiet. I was quiet. And then I said she could call me if she really wanted to talk.

And then I left.


So, I think that in the most graphic of ways, she got a small glimpse of her mother in the mirror of her reflection. And I hope it scared her sh**less because her mother and the truth are passing strangers, much to the dismay of everyone who has the misfortune to be caught in her gravitational pull...