I'm sorry, Lwb -- it's really hard not to over-think, especially after the third such fiasco. One time could be a mistake of ignorance. Two times could be a lapse in judgement and a failure to really understand the consequences of the first time. But three times?
And yes, I am Dad, and I know they love me. But that doesn't mean they respect me, ... and to a male, respect is the very foundation to loving him.
I didn't understand this until after the bomb and a lot of reading and soul-searching, and it's something that tends to be true for all men: You can love a man with what you think is all of your heart, but if you don't respect him, then you might as well not love him at all. It's not like this for most women, I know. A few, yes. But for most women it is the opposite than for men, love comes before respect.
So my insecurities and my depression and all my self-doubts stem from that erosion in respect that W had in me. Now that is gone, there's no getting it back, not from her. I believe that is the chief reason why that when women say its over, its over -- even they know instinctively that they cannot rekindle in themselves the spark of respect needed to love their spouses again.
My only concern in all the world now is to try to love and raise my sons. But with their mother in the picture, her disrespect -- not her mere lack of respect, but her utter contempt and dis-respect, conscious or not -- feeds into the disregard my sons are developing for me. I do not take their actions and behaviors personally -- they're just children and they cannot help it.
This is all just the consequences of my failure to command the dignity I was due all these years. Instead of practicing true humility and at the same time curbing any degree of disrespect that W built up for me, I tried to avoid conflict out of laziness and cowardice. I yielded to W when I should not have. I delegated to her a lot of the decisions in our home life, all under the misguided pretense of keeping peace. I allowed the problems to fester within us and the differences to widen the gap between us.
And now the chickens have come home to roost. And my children are continuing to pay the consequences for it.
And to top it all off, W now wants to bring her OM into their lives, to fill the fatherly gap she created when she dumped their father and proceeded to alienate him (me) from them.
No, I know this all sounds so dire and depressing -- and it is. But I am man enough to know how the deck is stacked, I just have to play the hand I've been dealt as best I can. I am realistic enough to know that there is a strong chance W will persist in alienating me further once she gets her beloved D. She seemed ridiculously surprised that I even wanted to be their father after she dropped the bomb, just as she had already made up in her own mind that I no longer loved her too.
I am not deterred, however. I've thought long and hard on this. Even were this to turn out for the worse, even if W were to succeed in alienating me from our S's, still I would take this action to pursue being their father, acting as their father -- I have nothing else more important to me. Nothing.
I may not like the terrain in which I am fighting this battle. But it is what it is.
