For the Guy with Kids and a WW Twenty One

[hopeful4her]

Beej, I've mentioned this to you before.

It's hard for you to see things through my eyes.

Believe me. You know how I feel about you. You have become a very, very dear friend.

Heres my observation.

So far, most everyone here, with a few exceptions, has gotten to the point of D. I'm trying to mix things up with my wife. I've been employing different methods. It drives me crazy, but even you can see good things.

All the while, I feel good about myself. I've come pretty far considering where I was before.

I am NOT in an EA with B. I understand that I am dancing, but she....

SHE IS NOT WHO I WANT!

She never will be. You guys know what I want. You guys know WHO I want, but the dance helps keep me sane. I can't put into words. It's like a game. I keep her at just enough distance, though.

I can't tell you the opportunities that I've had. I control myself.

I get emotional. I say things. I feel this and then I feel that. I think that I'm pretty normal, considering. I just write it all down.

But the overall thing is that I love my wife, she has not taken the D steps yet, we are not adversarial anymore, and I think that she is coming to some realizations about life and what she has done.

I'm not trying to rescue her. I'm really not.

She may or may not divorce me, but I'm still fighting. Even though I say I'm not. Even when I don't think I am, I still am. Either way, I'm ok with whatever happens. Of course, I have my preference, but I don't control it.

And I've concluded that I'm okay with that.


B called me three times the other day. I answered her last call. That was it.


I've rambled with out being able to go back and correct myself. I know that I don't make any sense to anyone, have I ever made sense?

I'm just trying to keep my sanity. Did I mention that already?


After work yesterday, I went and left a Krispy Kreme coupon for a dozen doughnuts on her windshield.

"Go have a sugar fix on me. Enjoy the rest of your day.

R"

That was another attack. It felt like a good time to attack when she might have been in a weak state. An attack, then pull back.

I think ILF kinda understands.

No contact with her the whole day. No contact with B the whole day except for a text she sent in the morning.

Took my girls to a B'day party that N had for her daughter. Lots of friends. B was not able to attend. My girls had a lot of fun. After the party, grab a few things at the grocery store, go home and makes spaghetti and meatballs for us. My bud brings his daughter over to spend some time with D11 and D7 and she spends the night.

This morning, waffles and sausages. Get all of us to church and while in church, get a call from the wife from her apartment. She left a VM,

"Hey, it's C. Your probably in church right now, so I wanted to at least leave you a message. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to the store with my neighbor. They are going to go take me to where I can get more food. I...uh...also wanted to let you know that my phone still doesn't work, so I'll call you when I get back, but...if you need to....ummm....well....there's no way to get a hold me so....I will call you when I get back. Uhhh.....I also wanted to know if you needed anything from the store. Ummm....to at least help out. So...give me a call...bye. Bye."

Not going to call her back. She can call me back.

I brought the girls to the library. Next, a quick lunch at a cousins and then to my buds girlfriends house to watch some Cowboys/Steelers. After that, not sure. Might make the wife come get the girls at the house again.

I just want to be loved again.

Thanks for everyones posts. I really love you guys.