Okay. Yesterday was day two without anxiety meds...coupled with day one taking Vicodin. Usual Saturday stress...up and down with the niceness.
SO..in the middle of the night...he has a panic attack. He wakes me up out of a dead sleep and says I'm not feeling well, I need you to hold me...so I come over to his side (we have a king) and we kind of snuggle up spoonwise, so actually he's holding me, kind of tight. Not like good tight. And he's saying he doesn't feel well, and I'm thinking he means because of his mouth and throat.
ME: Did you take your painkillers? H: No! I'm afraid to take them. Because I'm not feeling well. ME: ?? I'm confused. H: Don't be confused! ME: ?? What is wrong??
And I try to turn over and he won't let me...he's like, no I need you like this. And he's kind of clutching me. And I'm getting kind of...scared. It was so weird. And he says, I think I'm going to have a panic attack. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. And it's dark and I'm out of it anyway...and finally he decides he's not having a heart attack.
And my back was hurting, so I got him to let me turn towards him instead "just for a minute"...I told him I had to go to the bathroom so I could get up for a second and get my head clear...my internal "flight" sensors were ringing wildly. I could just feel all his anxiety pouring out his skin. I remembered Dudess talking about "the teddy bear woman" or something and thinking I needed to ask her about that...I felt like a teddy bear alright.
Got back in bed and "assumed the position" the wanted...but I was kind of freaking out. He wasn't threatening me or anything, but I just felt really scared. So after a while he calmed down.
And he said it had passed, and he was going to have to just try to be calm. And I said that's what the medicine is for. And he just stiffened up. I laid awake a while. It's kind of hard to "detach" when someone is literally holding on to you.
This morning he said, well I guess I need that medicine. So he refilled it. Again he was talking about trying to be calm, and I said, honey, most people don't have to "try."
He's also blamed the whole thing on some tea he drank last night though. Too much tea. Okay. As long as he takes the little white pill I don't care what he says. We also came to the conclusion that he should not take Vicodin. He stayed home from church and when I got home he was looking at me weird...and he said he was still having some of the weird feelings, and he'd taken some Vicodin. And we talked about how he could never take Demerol because he freaked out on it...and maybe if he needed pain medication he should stick with the Percoset (which is codeine I think). I don't like him looking at me weird. I'm not comfortable right now. At least he's talking about it and knows he's having weird feelings.
The other thing is, it dawned on me why he got so weird last weekend when I asked him to hold me...he's only wanted that for himself when he's close to having some kind of breakdown. I think he panicked over me just wanting some comfort, like I was going crazy or something. Because...he is the one who's crazy.
I've been wondering lately just what must be going thru his mind all the time. What he hides.
