Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

Oh Trixi - my gosh you have a lot going on! Sorry I haven't been on in a few days.

Still hoping for January... You have my email right? Good luck with the buyers!

I had a few individual things I wanted to reply to but first, an overall thought that came to me as I read through your thread this morning. Do you think H has an addiction problem? It sounds like you do think that - which leads me to wonder if it's worse than you think. If that's the case it explains a LOT of things to me. I know not to make too many assumptions or speculations but I just want to throw some thoughts out there.

- Lack of contact during the week = you don't hear him drunk/drugged out.

- You're "hidden away" - maybe YOU are not the secret or what's being "hidden"? After all, look how hard many addicts work to hide their problems from their spouse... he barely even has to work at it. No need to hide booze in the toilet tank or whatever - just get her to move out!

- Scared he'll get bored? = Scared that if you come back he'll have to stop drinking/drugging and life will be "boring"?

- The running hot and cold... yes, this is typical for MANY of the WAS so I hesitate a bit to tie this to drinking/drugs but is it possible that how he's feeling about the R depends on how "high" he is at the moment? It seems like you guys have those really good "connection" nights when he's drinking.

- Choosing room-mate and "partying" over SS. This was the one that stood out to me - unless he and SS have had a really bad R all along.

- Since it's "only" pot and alcohol it's OK... ("at least it's not as bad as opiates" - or - "at least I don't smoke as much pot as RM" - or "well *I* only drink 6 beers/day, it's not like RM over here who drinks 12 a day" - anything sound familiar?)

Now... if this IS the case, keep in mind it's not your issue, or something you have control over. The more you try to talk him into it, the more he'll fight it and probably the further into denial he'll get. The ONLY thing you can do is choose not to further enable it, I think. It sure makes sense to me that this may be the root of a whole lot of your R/M problems though. Especially why he wants to be married to you at his "convenience" - and not live with you. Much, much easier that way but he still gets the perks of a marriage when he wants them.

A few thoughts on your recent convos/interactions:

*I told him that he is supposed to give to me and then I give back; that currently I am doing WAY more than my fair share in the R while he sits back and all he has to do is arrive. I am sick and tired of always pushing the R up the hill while he watches and his big 'contribution' is to drive 25 minutes to my house.

While I understand where you're going with this - that is the case in an R that both people WANT moving forward. It's your choice to do all the "work" right now and accept the very little bit that he's contributing. He doesn't even know if he wants the R at all - why would he push for making it better?

*I told him that I am tired of being hidden away.

As I mentioned above - are you so sure it's YOU being hidden away? I suspect that it's his "other life" that he's hiding away from you - knowing that you won't approve of a lot of it. And, perhaps, not wanting to "disappoint" you or make you think less of him? You put him on a damn high pedastal... he's probably pretty afraid of what'll happen if you see the reality of how he wants to live, or thinks he wants to live.

It's entirely likely he's ashamed of the friends you want to meet - not you.

*He said he is still mad for what happened in the past. That he felt lonely and sad. I apologized (again) for being sick and said "I was sick. What's your excuse?"

I've said this before and of course only you can decide, but I really think you should NEVER apologize for this again. Would you apologize for getting cancer? Getting hit by a truck? You can certainly empathize and validate, without apologizing. For example... my broken leg f'd up our lives for a couple of years, really, and it still has some impact today because the muscle hasn't totally come back yet. I feel absolutely awful about all the time H "lost" taking care of me and the impact it's hard on our lives. I used to apologize for it but the MC suggested to me that wasn't the best approach - why apologize for something that's not my fault? So I can say "I know, that sucked" or "yes, that was such a hard time" or things like that, without apologizing. I realized I was "apologizing" more for the impact it had on H and our lives - but it wasn't my fault. Reframing it helped me a lot. Especially getting past the guilt part of it.

"I'm sorry you felt so lonely and sad - that was a hard time, for sure." NOT "I'm sorry I was sick." See the difference?

I love the question you asked though.

If my theory is right, I suspect that his excuse (ultimately) may be that HE is sick too - with addiction.

*I said that I have done all sorts of things that would advance the relationship; can he name anything he has done? (no) In fact, this "Maybe you're winning me over" BS is just that BS. I said that HE should be trying to WIN me back since *I* haven't done anything 'wrong'. I said that *I* was willing to forgive him for what he actively DID and that it wasn't right to hold what I didn't do against me.

On the first part - again I'd just ask why he'd be advancing an R he doesn't know if he wants? What you guys have right now is working for him as is. Why do anything different?

What was his response to the "winning me over" thing?

There were PLENTY of things you did with ONLY you in mind." He laughed and said "well, yeah. But those are small things. I didn't do that with the big decisions."

I think you had a good opportunity to validate and dig a little bit deeper here. Did you and just didn't happen to post that part? I wonder what "big decisions" he means. And could you listen to how he feels on that without getting defensive? I KNOW how hard that is - I was just curious how the rest of this piece went - it reminds me a lot of a convo I had with my H in MC.

*He again said he wanted to see where he would go with the music. Wanted to be playing live by next summer. Felt like he had some really good songs written and that it could go somewhere. I pointed out that Bon Jovi, Sting,the late John Lennon and countless other musicians are married. He said it's not a married/not married thing...then he sort of trailed off. I don't know what his point was.

I wonder if this may have come off as bizarrely to him as it did to me?

H: "I'm really excited about this music thing and want to see where it goes."
You: "Plenty of musicians are married!"

If I were your H I'd be thinking... "WTF?? I wasn't talking about our R at all, I was talking about something I'm looking forward to doing in the future. Does EVERYTHING have to come back to talking about our M?"

My guess is that's where the "it's not a married/not married" thing comment came from. I think you two were having entirely different conversations at that moment, at least that's my guess.

So, for now, I have said what I wanted to say. I actually had thought that he might say "well, I don't want to be married" (or something along those lines) when I started this convo, so having him listen was good.

Agreed!! I think the conversation overall went really, really well.

OH! regarding FB, he said he would approve me as long as I didn't "hound" him. ?!? I asked him to explain WTF that was supposed to mean and he was never able to.

My guess... "hound" him as in get on his case about all the "partying" he is doing, which will probably become more apparent once you're on his page.

So, when I tell H that SS wants us ALL to go, he says "Well, that's fine. As long as we don't talk about "us"." I thought that was an interesting statement, so after agreeing that the counseling is for SS and not US, I asked why he seemed so "anti-us".

I had a feeling this was his worry - that you were going to try to make SS's counseling about your R/M too.

H- I don't think counseling would help.
M- ?
H- I just don't know what I want..(etc etc same old same old)
H- Besides, you're okay with the situation.
M-Who the he!! ever said I was "ok" with the situation? I have been being patient.

It's what a lot of us have been telling you for a lonnnng time, Trixi. You never SAID you were OK with the situation because you never HAD to say it. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions say you're totally fine with it.

Great job not responding after the Costa Rica discussion - sounded like a good time to stop and take a breather before continuing any type of discussion on that one.

' Oh, yes, I bet that's exactly what happens. I'm sure that rehab doesn't see ANY value in having a clean environment to help the person recover." My H got really quiet. I think he realized I was right when I framed it that way. Then my H was even MORE interested in putting SS into an inpatient rehab. SS said he will go and he is fine if it's 90 days. He doesn't care, he just wants to feel better and quit screwing up his life.

Yep... he realized you were right, and inpatient means that H doesn't have to worry about any impact to him just yet.
I'm glad SS wants to feel better, that's a good sign! He sounds really motivated.

A little voice in my brain is saying that H is going to be nice enough to keep me on the line so I can drive him and SS places. OTOH, isn't that what family does? Help each other out?

Well, it doesn't take much to keep you on the line. Heck he barely even has to be nice to you. I bet that little voice is right on.

Um... yes, family helps each other out.. but isn't that what your gramma did? "helped out" by turning a blind eye to your Dad's issues? (as a side note - I am so sorry to hear about this! That's so sad and must have been awful for you.)

When your H needs a ride to the store (to stock up on beer), are you going to drive him?

I feel like H is in la-la land about drug use and my SS. SS is in a precarious place and H wants to do a "Do as I say, not as I do" thing. They are smoking in the house. There is already a cigarette burn in one room's carpet. My H is about to lose his license for 90 days.

What is it they say about each person having to hit their own "rock bottom"? Sounds like he's headed there but he's got a ways to go.

Maybe we can just sign a LSA for the time being and then I can move forward with no guilt.... I don't know.

Is paperwork really all that's keeping you stuck right now?

I am nearly positive that H thinks my motives are to control him/harsh his mellow and to get RM out of the house (since that is where I think *I* belong.)

IS that part of your motivation? Your part in parentheses makes me think it might be. Unless you just meant that's probably what H is thinking. Couldn't tell if that was "you" or you paraphrasing H...

Personally, I don't give a flying leap if RM was Mother Teresa. If you bring your son back to try to help him create a new life and the RM is NOT advancing that idea, then the RM goes.

Well... I think this says a lot. This is YOUR value system. It obviously is either 1. not your H's, or 2. he's got a more serious problem than you think and you now have ANOTHER hard decision to make - do you stick with him through it? Knowing that he's not even to his "bottom" yet?

Whew that was long.. haha.. sorry. I hope some of it's helpful though.

((((Trixi))))

You have so much on your plate right now - and some tough decisions to make. I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this.