Another one joins the flock (III)

[Mike85]

Other thoughts this morning on my sitch:

- My kids are doing well. Quite well. Well enough, in fact that their own counselors and pediatrician have decided that unless something changes dramatically (in them, with the situation), they see no reason to continue counseling. Despite what W has done, I believe that she deserves some credit for helping to make the situation as amicable as possible.

- From spending MANY hours talking with W's parents and a lot of our old friends (some of whom knew W before she even met me), I've realized that she has very old, very deep issues.

She was born in Manhattan and lived there until she was seven. Her family had a nice, upper middle class (maybe even lower upper-class) life. Then her dad made some bad business decisions, went bankrupt, and as a result, they had to leave NYC, moving to a small rural village upstate. That event scarred her - she obsesses on "being from NYC....the REAL city...Manhattan" and tells story after story about the life she used to have. Her parents told me that W has a sense of entitlement based on how they used to live about 35 years ago. She resented having to go to a SUNY college instead of an expensive private school. In therapy, she made it clear that she feels angry about having that wonderful, privileged life "taken" from her.

When she finally found a career path in cosmetology, she wound up with a salon in one of the ritziest suburbs in our area, and worked on clients who were living the life she "used to have." Day after day, seeing people who wore designer clothes, expensive jewelry, drove expensive cars, took exotic vacations.. and then driving home in a minivan to our "mere" two and a half story Victorian, eating a normal middle class meal, dealing with scouts, piano lessons, tight finances - it got to her. She kept complaining that *I* didn't make enough money, despite the fact that I have always made 4-5x what she did, especially once you factor in a teacher's benefits (her job NEVER provided healthcare, paid days off, retirement plans, etc.). I went back to school and got a better career and even jumped ship to a much better-paying district after a few years, but she said that it would never be good enough. When I suggested she go back to school (which I was willing to pay for and support her with), she said it would take too long, be too hard, and be too time-consuming. Besides, according to her, providing the lifestyle was all MY responsibility.

She also has deep issues regarding failure. She failed out of college after her sophomore year, largely due to her partying and sleeping around instead of doing schoolwork (this is by her own admission years ago). We met after she got kicked out. She tried community college, with an eye to transferring back to the four-year school, but she couldn't even complete THAT. Then she bopped from minimum-wage job to minimum-wage job for a couple of years until deciding to take a stab at cosmetology. She did well as a tech, but when she decided to buy a business and run her own salon, it never did well despite appearances. For the first few years, she called this state "normal for a new business," but after eight years, the debt mounted, reality set in, and her dream of being a wealthy business owner seemed a pipe dream. So, she failed in college and failed at business. In the meantime, her husband and all her friends managed to all get advanced degrees and have success in their fields. She told her mom that she realized that every adult person she knew had at LEAST one Master's degree. Meanwhile, she bombed out of TWO schools and was running a failing business. She has serious self-esteem issues.

In therapy and to friends and acquaintances, she paints the above scenario as being the result of conspiracies on other people's parts. She had to go to a SUNY because people conspired against her dad and made his business fail. And then her folks were selfish and didn't want to spend the $$$ to send her anyplace else. She failed out of college because her advisor was an idiot and the dean hated her. Her business failed because her employees all secretly hated her and drove the business into the ground. Her marriage failed and she *had* to go to another man because *I* wouldn't give her the life she deserved and besides, I was a cold bastard.

Nothing, according to her, has EVER been her fault. I know it's classic MLC and that she needs help. Her parents agree with me. But, right now, she's living the life she claims she "deserves" - fancy parties, hip trendy upperclass friends, skiing and snowboarding, wakeboarding, vacations to expensive places, and is living with someone with more problems than her, which for once gives her a sense of superiority and accomplishment. She swears that she loves her new life and could NEVER go back to being a rural teacher's middle class wife. With the help of OM, she is now carefully laying out their new life together. For once, she has what she thinks she deserves and is willing to do whatever it takes to never lose it "again."

Now, if some people here want to "call me to the carpet" for not relentlessly hammering away at her with loving gestures and prayer, fine. I realize that part of the anger and disappointment launched at DBers who resign themselves to separation/divorce and move on is at least partly from the fear others have that if THAT person's effort failed, then theirs might also. I saw that when I first joined the board, and I see it now.

My M failing, however, has nothing to do with other people's DBing efforts. Just because *MY* W has issues that I could not overcome or break through doesn't mean that anyone else's efforts will also fail. Every M/R is different. Your spouses are not my W. My problems may have been similar to other people's, but they were not the same. No matter how much I tried to communicate what was going on in my life, the fact is that there was no way for adequately, eloquently express the complexity of what was going on, where we came from, etc. I tried the best I could, but the fact is, only those at/close to the "epicenter" got the full picture. That failing in communication to folks here is partly mine, and partly due to the limits of the internet.

And honestly, I got a LOT out of my DB effort and would still recommend DB to people. I got stronger. I got perspective. I got focused. I set a model for my sons. I met some absolutely WONDERFUL people. I have reconnected with old friends I haven't heard from in years. Some people that used to be mere acquaintances years ago have become dear, dear friends. The experience is bittersweet. I lost a lot, but I regained/gained a lot. One of the other things I got from DB is how to approach my next serious R, whenever that happens. The DB experience has helped me.