Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello all,

I am gonna word dump a short synopsis of my scenario. Over the next few days, I'll fill in the remainder of my sad divorce tale.

I had an affair in the fall of 2005. XW was told about it by her brother who was told by their mother. Yes, I made many bad choices in making the affair mistake. As anyone who has an affair will probably tell you, there were reasons (translation: excuses) why I had my affair. After XW find out, she told me to move out and I did.

I began seeing a counselor, and I told her that the affair wasn't meant to end my marriage; I didn't want a divorce. After listening a few times, she told me that you may not have wanted a divorce, but your marriage was very troubled and although you didn't consciously want to end your marriage, perhaps your subconscious took all of your upset and turmoil that you were having difficulty dealing with and helped you to 'do something' you didn't have the guts and/or confidence to to consciously.


...I don't know if that's true, but it sounds reasonable. I was hopeful that we would be able to reconcile and make our marriage what I envisioned when we said, "I do." But I have read so much informaton about marriage and about being a better man than I was, and the one thing that stuck out in my mind came from TORN ASUNDER, which is a Christian book about affairs and reconciliation of marriages. In that book, the authors said that reconciliation was much more likely IF the couple had some solid ground to stand on, as in a loving, solid marriage BEFORE the affair, so that the couple would have that time as a marital strenght and solid footing. Sadly, our marriage was trouble for much of the time.

As for myself, I have spent a great deal of time reading and learning about manhood and working on personal growth. Additionally, I have become a member of my church and belong to both the ushering team and I lead my daughter's Sunday school group of 3rd graders. BTW, I also have a 3-year old son.

Through the time that we have been apart, XW has taken to verbally peppering me and being difficult. I have read that being the S who was cheated on, the feelings can be likened to being even worse than losing a dear loved one. Based on watching XW, for the most part, she hasn't seemed interested in healing. Instead, she has mostly run from 1 boyfriend to the next so that she can stay busy and not have to process the affair in her mind and give herself the relief of forgiving me. I have the distinct impression that she thinks forgiving means forgetting.

Interestingly, she just stopped seeing a counselor after a year. She told me,"I don't need to see her anymore. I no longer seek my sense of self-worth from men." I just looked at her incredulously and said, "Oh really, your're healed?" She made a face at me, but won't lie to her any more. If she tells me BS stuff, I will call her on it. I refuse to be one more person in her life who pats her on the butt and tells her she is doing OK, when she's clearly continuing to make bad choices.

Now, after all of that back ground (more to come), through all of it, I still love her very intensely and very deeply. Pretty much all of my family and friends will think I'm nuts for holding on to my dream of reconciling after all we've put each other though, but as I told my best friend, "Yes, I would love to reconcile with her. I am changing, she would need to change, and because of those personal changes in both of us, our marriage would change and it be worked on productively. We would be our marriage FIRST, and we would still diligently care for our own individual needs within the confines of a happy, healthy, nurturing marriage.

I would be very wary about getting back into a relationship after all the she has done to me since we split, which sounds strange being that I am the one who cheater on her, but she has done plenty to me since finding out and THAT has been ver hurtful. Most of my loved ones, including HER family, wonder why I have continued to look after her, especially in light of how badly she's treated me. I simply say, "Because I care."

Now to the issue that I need help with. Over the past couple of months, in between her 'flavors-of-the-month' XW has behaved much more nicely.The past few times that I have gone by her house, she always asks me if I can stay. Today, she touched me repeatedly while I was there and helping her in the garage. Her brother was telling me that XW really enjoys having me over the house, but she is too stubborn to say anything about it. And lastly, I don't initiate touching her. I don't flirt with her. Perhaps, because I don't behave like her herd of "good (male) friends" and I don't fawn over her and fall all over her like the dorks they are, she is seeing me in a different light? Perhaps?

1. Should I be 'conveniently' busy when she asks me to hang around?
2. What should I make of her repeatedly touching me today? THAT is very unlike her. She is NOT someone who initiates touching, especially me.
3 I have taken to not really saying too much to XW's brother. I will listen to him, but not say much? Am I handling this properly?
4. Should I simply chalk up the nice interaction we had today, touching included, to simply having a nice time with her, without drama and upset? Over the time that we have been separated/divorced, I have had to NOT read too much into our interactions, whether positive or negatve. I simply chalk the interactin up to exactly what it was, a nice interaction or a crappy interaction, without trying to guess why she behaves the way she does.

Lastly, I am sure that others have had a much rougher path to reconciling, but I want to know what all of my brothers and sisters here think about my scenario and I would also greatly appreciate any encouragement you all can offer as I stand firm in my quest to reconcile my marriage and win my family back.

Thank you for readng. My following posts won't be as long, at least I don't think so....

Tom