Is everyone just shopping for the holidays? It's been so very quiet around here lately..
Some journaling: Spent the day with my S2 - he is just so sweet and loving - we played a lot and he took a long nap today. This morning, just before my W dropped him off, she called me to let me know that she was on her way - and she sounded friendly for the first time in a long time - of course, I think it was just because her mom was there - and she tends to enjoy putting on a show of being fine when her mother or anyone else is around...so it didn't mean much to me - especially since when she actually got here - she was the same as always - distant, cold, angry....
When she came by to pick up our baby, she continued to be cold - though she finally said hello to me when her mother stepped out of the car...so, again, when theres a witness, she puts on her performance...I was nice to her and to her mom - there's no reason not to be...though I do find that my detachment seems to be growing - morphing maybe - into just outright indifference...and that might not be so good...
Do I still love my W? I think so...I love the memories at least...but beyond that, I have no idea...maybe it's just a phase...I don't know...but I find myself just thinking that she's too unhealthy to be with as a husband...She seems fine as a mom - but what would I really gain from staying in my marriage with her? The list gets shorter every day...which surprises.
I won't do anything to start the D process...but I am not in any way opposed to it...sometimes I welcome it...sometimes I just wish I had this mess behind me already and was already moving forward completely with my life...I looked into high schools for my S11 today...and sent off some requests for information...I also spent a lot of time writing -and reading through some of my writing from over the years...and couldn't help but think that I enjoyed writing more before...and I want to find that enjoyment again...that's not my wife's fault - it's mine...but I have a lot of work to do to find myself...and to fulfill my own expectations from myself and for my kids...
