Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[sleeper]

I think I realized what I need to do today, Breton. It's the strategy I had from the beginning but deviated from due to my reaction (not response) to X's actions.

I have let myself get hurt from time to time and that's when I entertain the idea of going "dark." You are right when you say dark is for "yourself" but it is counterproductive to my goal. X gets angry when I go dark. Is that what I want? No. It reminds me of the bible axiom that goes something like, you must die to self to save yourself.

The more I help X and am kind to her the closer she grows to me. Convntional wisdom and all of my friends/our acquaintences say I'm a fool but that is what works.

X is like an abused stray (sadly this makes sense because she has been abused so much in her life). She expects me to react selfishly and hurt her. That's why things were so bad in the beginning. She expected me to do every dirty thing I could to her including taking the children from her and taking her to the cleaners financially. Things I did like angrily lashing out and getting my own L validated her negative expectations.

That's why I have "blown her away" (her words) several times in this as I have merely done what came naturally, actions that did not hurt her or the kids and helped us both. She expected me to act totally selfishly.

Somehow at bomb I became a father figure to her which in her case is a very bad thing. She actually called me "daddy" when she had her "breakdown" (her words) and dropped the bomb. OM is just a means to an end. She is using him as a vehicle to do all of the things she wanted to do but was kept from doing in her life (being free). That's why she nodded in agreement while sedated from her surgery and I told her, "I know OM is as disposable as a disposable lighter."

As she has done what she felt necessary for herself at same time she has tested me. I told the C it was as if she was testing to see how far I would let her go in the beginning. He agreed. Am I really committed to her? Will I take advantage of her if given the opportunity? Will I be there for her no matter what? Do I truly love her?

I actually had a dream in the beginning that I left her and OM at a party to go home alone knowing I had failed her, but also knowing she would eventually come home to me (the C slapped himself on the forehead).

I've made many mistakes along the way but I'm beginning to think I may have passed the test. She is relying on me more and more. She now goes out of her way to thank me for things I do for her. She confides in me. She compliments me on my appearance. I think I may be becoming the "OM" as she hides our contact from "the" OM.

My biggest challenge now is mastering myself. I must control my jealousy (the reason I occasionally feel the need to go dark/dim). I must be consistant (she has had very little in her life).

I'm like a runner who has stumbled a couple of times and thought he was out of breath but now sees the finish line.

I can make this last hundred yards on drive alone.

When I was younger I was a runner.