Another one joins the flock (III)

[Mike85]

I want to thank EVERYONE for all the support and occasional butt-kicking over the last seven months. This place has been amazing and I know in my heart that I could not have gotten as strong as I did without you guys.

My decision to stop seeking reconciliation is not a knee-jerk reaction or even a simmering, "Godfather Part 2"-style reaction. There were a series of things W had done since August that began to erode my belief that she would come back.

- I was positive that OM abandoning W in the city this past August to go on an alcoholic bender and my rescuing her (and in the process, her spending a day and a half with me and the kids again) would mark a turning point for the better. Instead, upon OM's contrite return, she read him the riot act and fought for THAT relationship, choosing to help him stay sober, and leveraging it into a promise from him for a trip to Jamaica this December.

- W finally going through with the 32-page separation agreement as she said she would, with all the provisions laid out as she promised verbally (no request for spousal or child support, shared child custody, etc.). This aspect of the situation she has thought out and planned, with an eye toward her new life.

- W referring to my sending flowers to her for our anniversary as an "unnecessary gesture" after politely thanking me, and throwing them away. No anger directed at me, just cold, businesslike indifference.

- W going through with business bankruptcy and switching careers to work with/for OM, and all the other financial/legal intertwining over the last few months: buying furniture together, getting joint credit (he'll regret THAT...), joint utilities. They are gradually becoming more and more integrated.

- W making it quite clear in therapy and to her (now former) friends that she wants -and claims to have ALWAYS wanted- an upper-middle class, high-maintenance life, complete with cocktail parties/soirees, snowboarding, wakeboarding, trips to the Caribbean and Europe, etc. and that my being a "mere public high school teacher" will not get that life for her. At one point, she was blunt and just said that despite my being the most "honorable person [she] knew," the fact remains that I "will never be able to provide [her] the lifestyle [she] deserves."

- W's decision to not merely leave the explanation for our separation to "growing apart" and instead EVEN NOW telling friends and acquaintances that her decision to leave was due to my being a cold, indifferent man whose ignoring of her and the kids bordered on emotional abuse. Those who knew/know me didn't ever buy this and were disgusted by her rationalizing her adultery through slandering me as a man, a husband, and a father. It also flies in the face of what she said in therapy.

W failed out of college. Her business is a failure. She wants a high-price lifestyle and realizes that she won't get that unless I change careers (which I refuse to do, having already snagged another Master's to get a better-paying career as a teacher), she goes back to school or retrains for another career (she dismisses that as too hard and time-consuming, despite my offering to pay for it), or she dumps me for someone who makes more money. She chose Option 3, the "easy way out," and is hooked up with someone stupid enough to trust her, throw money at her, and get her all the things she asks.

Eventually, OM may realize that if she backstabbed me for $$$, she may do the same to HIM for the same reasons, trading him in for looks AND $$$. If/when he smartens up and leaves her, I wouldn't take her back - she would just use me as a rebound and trade me in again. The fundamental reasons she gave for her leaving haven't changed, nor will they. I have no intention of changing careers again just to foot the bills for her desired lifestyle, nor will I believe that she will be satisfied with a "mere middle class" life now that she has had a taste of the high life.

My decisions have come after months of therapy, months of introspection, months of attempted rapport with W, and many, MANY friends, family, and cowrokers who have been where I am. I haven't run into a SINGLE person in my position for whom reconciliation occurred, and furthermore, their WASes went off and got into second marriages. My W is definitely giving every indication of heading in that direction.

According to W, my "crime" was not being economically ambitious enough to provide her the life she "deserves." She said that she finally realized at age 40 that if she was ever going to get that lifestyle, it could not be with me as her husband. As intellectually satisfying as it is for some DBers to argue that I *must* have done something else deeper to help hurt my marriage, the fact is that some spouses are fundamentally shallow enough and selfish enough to make money or lust their unilateral reason for destroying a marriage. Not all marriages can be saved, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how many DB mantras you recite.

I'm not bitter, nor do I consider the months that I *did* fight hard to be wasted time. I believe that I *had* to go through what I did - if there was ANY remnant of the love, respect, commitment, in my W, it was worth saving. I *had* to fight for my family and let my sons see that ONE parent was willing to fight. However, I also now realize that it is *equally* important for them, as future men, to see that being a doormat is weakness, that there comes a point when a man has to stand strong and move on. Neither my priest, nor my therapist, nor my family disagrees with my decision. Ultimately, what matters is that *I* am at peace with it.