I was unfaithful #4

[Sanderika]

M,

I agree with Hope4us...In my sitch when my H was in a bad mood it WAS because he was in turmoil over what to do and it was usually because the OW was driving him to make a choice. When he and OW were fighting H was in a somber mood. They fight all the time by the way. H hates fighting and OW is a fighter.

NOW...I am playing the friendship role with H. I have a D looming over my head and I treat H like he was my best friend. I am cordial, friendly, respectful. I treat H like H wants to be treated. I am compassionate to listen to his conversations. I agree with H thoughts and decisions. I offer advice or solutions when I can without confrontation. I create an environment here that H enjoys coming to without fear and strings. I offer food to H. I always have something good to eat and it is irresistable to H. That is a bonus for me. I am trying to get H to see that it is a good place to be. That there is friendship and love and warmth and HOME right here. That H can come back and that the changes are real and that H is wanted and accepted unconditionally right here.

This is taking a painful amount of time. Remember my sitch is 40 months old. My H has been in far away land for 40 months with the same OW. My H is now starting to enjoy me and like me and trust me. 40 MONTHS, M.....OMG !!!! When I say patience and time.....patience and time.....patience and time....I mean it. It requires more than you ever thought you would ever have in a lifetime right now.

Stay on course....I agree with the other posters. Your H is interested in you sexually and I don't think it is just talk. H speaks of it to reaffirm your feelings for him. This is also a time when he needs reaffirmation because H feels so hurt and unwanted by you because of your actions. H needs and yearns to feel wanted by you again. Give H time and patience.

Get your PMA and GAL in check and treat H like a friend, a best friend. You will run into some resistance and he will go through a period where he doesn't trust you or your motives and he will flee. But with persistance and constant friendly and loving attitide and attention of the same sort your H will believe your intentions are positive and good. But again it will take a long time. Don't be afraid of the time, remember time is on your side. You have to learn how to use it wisely and constructively to bring your H around again. Don't ever forget that H is hurting...Start having compassion for him, treat him the way you want H to treat you. At first you will have more days or weeks where it will seem in vain as if it is not helping but rather hurting the sitch. This is where time will pay off. Start thinking about your relationship when it was good and start bringing that back. Take baby steps. Don't rush in on H, he will flee. Slowly and steadily bring him around. I found that getting back to me, before I got depressed is what H missed and wanted to see in me. This is what H sees in me now and he is liking it and is interested. H has always been attracted to me sexually too. I see it in him everytime he looks at me. NOW, that being said, my H is still in his far away land with the OW and doesn't show any signs of really letting that go yet. That is the killer. That is where time and patience and treating him like a best friend have a place and I can't let up for one second. Do you hear this, M?? Don't let up for a second. They are actually waiting for you to slip up real bad. It will only confirm their choice. You don't want that.

That brings me to this.....DO NOT ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHTS OF STARTING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. IF YOU WANT YOUR H BACK, RIDE THIS OUT. YOU HAVING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WILL BE SUICIDE FOR SURE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE MENTIONED THIS SEVERAL TIMES IN POSTS. IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO SURVIVE THIS, DO NOT SEE OTHER MEN. DO NOT GO OUT FOR DINNER WITH ANOTHER MAN. DO NOT HAVE A FLIRTY CONVERSATION WITH ANOTHER MAN. You did the right thing turning down the customer that asked you out. Avoid temptations at all cost. If you step out your H will find out and the second he does you will lose all his trust foreever. Your marriage with him will be over before you can blink.

I am in a bad place with you...When I disappear it is because I can't handle any more and I spend time away to recharge. I have followed your sitch...I am with you as your friend. I want good things for you and your family. I am not an expert but I have experience with the abandonment of a spouse after many years of marriage. I may not always give the right advice, I can only tell how I have handled it. I hope you can retrieve some ideas and come up with a plan that will help you as you move along this very painful long road. I know it appears there is no end, but I have to believe there is and it will bring our H's back to us.

Please take good care of yourself...Your H wants to see this too. He doesn't want to come home to a train wreck. He wants to come home to a luxury cruise. Does that make sense? It's how I see it here and that's what I try to portray. I am not acting. I have been here way too long for that. I am real. Your H will only want to come home to what he sees is real.

Think about it....Come up with a plan.......

Sanderika

[Molly44]

I am about to leave for in laws place for early xmas dinner and i am dry retching. I know I will be so down when i come back. H will be cold and distant or worse put on a happy face for his family. either way i will feel like s^&*.

I will look good, be nice but not joyous and I will stay only a little while.

Yesterday was a good day and I think it was because I felt H suffering. Today I am not so sure.

i get pangs of hatred towards him and then periods of longing.

I have got to get a grip and move on. I know i will be happy when he is not filling my head.

Did i mention yesterday that H was an absolute mess in his presentation. I was almost embarrassed to talk to him. Poor D had to have lunch with him.

so what is the bad look all about ?

[mamanpc]

hello Mof3
My sitch is a little bit like yours - see my thread.

I also had a PA, left H (very probably MLC for me). Subsequently he had a woman neighbor of ours come live with him and the kids. Meanwhile i realised that this was not at all what i wanted and came back. H went to live with OW for a few weeks then came back to our family house and to me.

Now H is back living with me but has returned to OW after first announcing to me his intent to get physical with her again... yet he still deisires, wants to sleep in same bed wirh me and ML too. I am talking to a DB coach Mon because i'm lost as to what would best for me to do at this stage.

i appreciate very much Sanderika's post as i think that helps me a lot.

i also think that a lot of this has to do with how much i have hurt H and that it will take a LOT of time.

He also doesn't understand how i could have said i didn't love him anymore, never really had etc (typical MLC stuff) and now i love him madly and only want to be with him...

Hang in there, M!

[Molly44]

wow amazing how close our stitch are.

only diff maybe is that i did not admit PA until 3 years later. My H knew i was lying and moved out and in and when i finally came clean he moved back home, only to move out and on 3 months later.

I hate my position. I remember screaming at H in that first year following discovery of texts that I did not love him. NOW due to contrary nature of us humans , i am madly in love with him and he is not with me.

This OW is not sexual yet and i also may be making more of it than needs be. but it clouds my every moment with him and when i am not with him. Actually what it is, is insight into how hurt he must of been. I cannot get my head around H with another woman. The pain is unbearable.

I have just left his mums house early after an early xmas dinner. It went exactly as I thought. H was pleasant as of there was nothing going on. therefore his family are oblivious to how he is traeting me and saying to me. his mum cried when I arrived and cried when i left. This is the first xmas without her husband of 52 years and she had to deal with this.

I will read your stitch and see if i can offer any insight for you.

I bet like me you wish you could turn back time.

[mamanpc]

indeed yes, Mof3, i do sometimes wish i could go back in time. But that thought doesn't last long since it's utterly impossible to do so. So i'm trying hard to look to the future.

So sad for your MIL to see your sitch!

One thing that someone posted on my thread that helped me was to imagine that every time i ML with H, it's a blow to the R he has with OW - that i consider it as a gain for me since he still desires me apparently. That helps me NOT think about OW when we ML or, if i do, i'm thinking 'yay, my turn and i bet it's a lot better than with her'. Not ideal but it does help

Meanwhile i am being laid off and trying to find a new job... not exactly the ideal sitch for me either! at least i do have opportunities and it looks like i'll find something. But no firm contract yet so meanwhile i do every now and then freak out about my professional sitch too. Of course the last person i can confide about that is H, in fact i think that because i sought support from him re:my job worries, that drove him back to OW because he thought i was 'a pain, talking about my work all the time'.
So i know that i can't stop for a moment to do 180s, GAL, try to PMA (+ mental attitude) and imagine that he's a very friendly roommate that i share the house with.
i don't sleep and don't eat much - this is the 1st WE with the new sitch ie him f**king OW while we are leaving together. Previously we were separated when he had R with OW. Very tough for me not to cry and mope when he's around and i HATE seeing him apparently happy and pleased with himself. I dream of killing OW or destroying her house and a few times when we ML i found myself scratching/biting/pulling his hair. Succeeded in stopping that when i imagined that ML was 'one-upping' OW. That was important because i don't want to turn off his desire for me in spite of the weird sitch i have.

Sorry for the long post... bon courage like we say over here (I live in France).

[Molly44]

Hi Your sitch must very differcult. Everytime i see H now and we dont live together - i imagine him touching Ow and I almost am sick. I dont believe he has actually had sex yet with her ( he told me I would be first to know ) Goody !

I would ML in your situation ( if it was safe sex ) as it does make you feel better and closer. What would happen if you told OW or somehow got the message to her that you were stil sleeping with H. Perhaps you could send a phamplet on Sexual Transmitted Diseases to her home ! With a note that she might like to get checked since you were all sharing . Ha Ha

Today I am fed up. I slept for a while without sleeping tablets and drramed I was back with H, so hence a little depressed this morning. I am sure we are all going to get through this , and hopefully with M in tact.

I think my H may be playing a dangerous game . you hurt me , so I am going to hurt you ! etc etc. Trouble is , men don't have any sense of when enough is enough. Woman tend to check each time , if they have gone to far.

does your H hear you when you speak. ie if you are in a room of others talking and you say something does he answer ? Mine did yesterday and it is the first time for a while. Small change and not sure when I will be able to check if it still there in future . Just an observation.

I am in New Zealand so am facing summer holiday without him. This will be tough.

[Molly44]

Why does my H ( separated ) walk over my xmas tree, not offer advice or help with any of household problems, watch me struggle to do lawns, weed eat etc.

He is so distant and uninterested in me, although having said that, he knows where I am and what i am up to, as I have sole custody of teenagers, he has my pin numbers to all email and bank accounts. I on the other hand am left to wonder ! He is secretive by silence. I am not a angry , yelling type of person , yet he has in the last 6 weeks begun to treat me like the enemy.

Remember E/A snapped 2005. PA admitted April 08 although suspected by H throughout past years. Is It still early days ?

[Sanderika]

M,
I was treated like the enemy so many times I can't count them all.... IMO it comes and goes.

My H hasn't done very much for us around here at all either.

I can count on one hand the number of times that H has done something nice to help me here at the house with a house thing. In 40 months for all practical purposes H just walked away.

Sure, H has been here many times...It was me doing something nice for H while he was here. Talking nice conversation, Feeding him, ML to H, Doing whatever H wanted me to do...You get the idea.

I feel looking back that it has all led to a more positive place though. I feel we are much more connected right this very minute than we were say 5-6 months ago and 11-12 months ago and going back even further. I think H feels the same. H is still unable to make a change in his current lifestyle though.

Time, baby steps and consistent behavior DO make a difference and DOES create changes in the way your WAS sees things with you.

I never asked H for anything in the past 40 months. I am stubborn that way. I see it that if it needs to be done do it, I want H to also see the independant me. I want H to know that I can handle it alone. Like I have said before, H wants to come home to changes and does not want to come home to someone who is dependant. I think it is better for us to send that message and it is also only proven with time. Our H's do not want to come home to that train wreck. They will NEVER come home for that. Our H's want to see strong, confident, independant, beautiful, fun and loving women. They want to step back only when it is proven that these things are true. That again means time and lots of it.

You know, I have no more clue than anyone else how my sitch will ultimately turn out. All I know is a D has been filed and my H and I are still talking, having nice visits and ML. We must be doing something right. 40 months is a long time to stand. I have been this far I can go longer. Is it the right thing to do? I am not sure. Is it going to be in vain because I will end up D? I am not sure. What I do know, is standing right now feels like the right thing to do. I am alone for the most part in my thoughts. I do not have one friend/family right now who agrees with what I am doing. I have almost had to keep my mouth shut around them all because they are so against what I am doing. I, like you want to see things turn around to marriage restoration. I have to do what I think is best for me right now. I also don't want to look back and say I gave up on something so important.

They also go in and out of secrecy. They resort to telling lies when this happens too. I do not completely understand why they feel like they have to lie. My H lies to me about something every time I see him. I know exactly when he's doing it and he is oblivious. I know him so well I see right through him. I somehow get a chuckle because H really thinks he is pulling one over on me. I don't confront him, I just let it go. Keep in mind he is lying to the OW as often as he is lying to us.

My salvation sometimes is the facts that their R is based on... Cheating, Lying, Sneaking around, No Trust, Controlling by OW, Lots of Drinking, I could go on and on....I can't see how it could last.

For me and H...We have a S, We have a huge history, We have assets, AND now we are friends...We still ML. I will continue to stand and treat H like I do...Hopefully it will payoff. I am being homest with H and I think H appreciates my honesty among many other qualities.

Got to run....Will check back with you...Take care....

Sanderika

[mamanpc]

hi Sanderika,
I met a former office colleague of mine who has just remarried her H - they had been D for 5 years.

So i would say BRAVO to you for all that you're doing, i think you are DEFINITELY doing it right! i hope that i will be able to do the same kind of thing you are doing.

My H is still in the house, doesn't want to D, and we ML while he has just engaged in a PA that he's absolutely thrilled about. The encounter with OW dates from when i was a WAS. So i think that i have to accept what i've created through my own stumbling life-path. I wasn't able to communicate in a more effective way to H and while i regret it very very very much i can't go back in time and change what i did now.

This is the 1st week of full-fledged PA so i'm in tremendous pain but i know that i have to go through the mourning process: denial/anger/bargaining/sadness/acceptance. I am somewhere right smack in the middle of this process: anger/bargaining/sad.

[Sanderika]

Hello Mamanpc,

Thank you so much for the "Big Pat On The Back".....

You know I have days where I feel like a lady with her act together and then I have others that I feel like a china doll and am very fragile.

I agree with continuing ML while all is going on between you. In my sitch sometimes that was the only glue that held us together.

I have never stepped out on my H right up to this day. I have had offers and have turned them all down. I really love my H and will continue my stand for quite some time I am sure. I also did not want any regrets or memories to cloud my mind if we did/do reconcile. My H has spoken of many regrets already in the past 40 months. He has to live with the demons he created forever. I feel very bad about the choices he has made. I only hope that he realizes what a gem he already has in me. I realized early on to forgive H for his choices on a daily basis. I also realized that to treat H with respect, friendship, love, compassion and forgiveness was the only possible way to tear down that wall that had been built between us. I also gave my H the freedom to make his own choices regardless of whether I approved or was hurt immensely by his choices. I do not ever ask H questions about his R with his OW. I leave the door open to H here at home for the times when he needs to find a safe haven from the storm. H uses that open door a lot. I keep hoping that the open door and warmth he receives here will eventually be the place he knows he wants and needs.

I have been down a road I have a hard time describing. I have been physically and emotionally ill from this pain. When it all started in Aug. of '05 I went from 124 lbs. to 98 lbs. To this day I can't seem to get my weight back. I bounce around 107 lbs. most of the time. I have come along way. I am only 5'2" so I look good. H likes the way I look right now.

When my H left me I was in a place of depression. I was overworked, overwhelmed and stressed to the max. I started to treat everyone in my life bad. I would shut down in the evening and be asleep by 7:00pm. I wanted everyone to pity me, even though I had it great I could not see it. It mountained to the point my H got depressed and decided not to live with me any longer. He said he kept hoping I would turn things around and didn't. One Sunday out on a Motorcycle drive with a friend , he met this OW. The rest is history and well described in my posts. My H is still with this same OW. My H is not faithful to her with me and she is the one living a life of delusion. I do not want to get too sure of myself. My H is having a hard time breaking free from me. My H does not want to D. It was the OW who drove him to file. Again it is a sordid story and spelled out in my posts.

I am going to continue to stand for H, for how long I am not sure. I see progress in my sitch often enough to keep me standing. I do love him very much. Some would say he doesn't deserve me any longer. I am the one who knows him and loves him. That is a choice I will make if/when I am ready.

I still wish, hope and dream of reconcilation for me and my S12. It's true time does heal all wounds. Some wounds are more stubborn to heal than others. My H is certainly stubborn. I still feel he is in a MLC and I see evidence that it is perhaps coming to an end. My H is now comfortable around me and our home and he enjoys my company even though it is still on his terms. I am greatful for that. Time is still on my side....

Sanderika