I guess in some ways after I played my 'role' to bring my W back from the edge of the abyss I lost what was left of myself. I became the WAS by withdrawing and falling into a severe depression.
I can totally understand how she would look at me, the man who 'stood for her' while she did so many destructive things, and was now falling even farther than before. I guess that kind of stress and hurt builds up until someone else walks into her life and treats her decently.
I understand how that would make you think that there is hope for a better life out there with someone else. Then after evaluating your life you'll 'see' how you were unhappy and felt unwanted. I felt the same way but for different reasons.
Anyway, I understand how she must feel. From January till now she has said and done a lot of crazy things but she has been consistent on one thing, and that is that we've been going through this stuff for too long and it has to end. Her solution is to separate and move on to our own lives.
I get that. I didn't address my issues and I waited for her to help me do what was MY work to do.
I understand that she doesn't want me any more. She still cares about me and thinks I'm a good man. It seems contradictory but I guess that's where you end up when you say 'enough, I can't do this any more'.
I understand that I can't love anyone until I love myself. I will treat myself better and continue to do the right thing.
I need to go dark / gray as well as I can. I need a break.
