Keep thinking, and being able to post here is a blessing.
I think the biggest truth is this: I never was truly giving with my H. I never really offerred unconditional support. I never gave completely of myself without expectation.
Now to figure out how to apply that.....
It will come. I have faith in that. The universe unfolds as it should. The starlight overhead is billions of years old and yet still shining, here for this night. For all of us.
I'm wearing my wedding ring and his wedding ring now. I am carrying us inside my heart, and I will do so until he is strong enough to carry himself again.
I feel peaceful. I feel strong. I feel like I love myself, and I am loved - by so many. I heard a pastor say that true forgiveness is no longer holding someone else accountable for your pain because of their actions. I am there. I have been there since almost the moment of revelation.
I believe it is a gift.
I want to give to everyone. I want to give to myself. I want to kiss the stars and thank God for placing them in the sky.
I am free, and I am brimming with love. My love feels boundless. And God - God is here with us. He is smaller than any atom and larger than the universe. God is love, and love is as tiny as a grain of sand and as large as the sky.
I am thankful for today. I am thankful for everything - the pain, the suffering, the uncertainty. Everything is beautiful, and every breath is a gift.
Today is a good day, and every moment is worth it.
Maybe I backslid, maybe I didn't. Life is right in any case.
~Nas, off to clean up, fix her make-up, pray a little, and head out for Girl's Night!
