And I'm Still Learning

[JWM]

Beth, I'm glad we have this forum. I feel like I've got friends to talk to on down days.

One of the things I've realized is that I invested too much in my wife. I did everything with her and don't have any other friends. Not that she has gone off the deep end, I've got to re-build other relationships.

We did the same thing...all of our vacations were together and she always was impatient with everything. Now that I'm out and doing more things on my own, I can linger over a good meal, and really smell the roses...not worry about what or where she wanted to be next.

[VeronicaV]

JWM,

Same for me. I have made more friends here than I ever have in RL. I am a bit of a loner - well that's not really accurate. It is not that I relish being alone. IT is more accurate to say that I am not much of a joiner.

Had no interest in clubs or sororities in college. Not to interested in bar groups now that I am an attorney. It makes it hard to make friends. Not whining, I created this life. So now, I am trying to do more out there but it is difficult to meet people at my age. Most are married (happily or not) and most are dealing with young children.

I, too did everything with my H, another non-joiner. Two peas-in-a-pod, except one of the peas has rolled pretty far from the pod.

So, off I go tonight to this Christmas tour with my niece, I am trying.

I am glad you stopped by. It is always nice to talk with you.

Beth

[AlexEN]

Beth,

Great line about the pea rolling... Kind of like a split pea...

As both you and JWM have done, my life for the past 23 years has been devoted to my wife (and family) at the expense of ourside interests. I commend you both for diving back in...

And Beth, I won't hold it against you that you're a lawyer (as my wife's admitted affair was with a lawyer and the suspected EA is with one as well)... ;->

-AlexEN

[VeronicaV]

AlexEN,

Thanks for forgining me my profession. I promise, we are not all bottom-feeders, though I have met a bunch of them, let me tell you.

Thanks for the compliment. Just had a brief weepy moment, so now I have to have a run, since I cannot do it tonight, will have to run longer tomorrow. That's what I get for letting myself have a pity-party.

I'll be back later tonight. Thanks for coming to my thread. I have been keeping up with yours, I just need to actually post something to you.

Beth

[cherylanne]

Hey J...
Stopped in to check up on you. It sounds like you are in a good frame of mind and you are taking the bull by the horn with the MC and the Controlled Separation. Keep taking care of yourself and D. Stay as light and detached from W's moods. I like the random act of kindness (the brownie) and it seemed to go well.

Keep it up, J. You are working it like a champ!

[Tawnya]

{{Beth}} My friend..I hope you feel the HUGE HUG coming your way..definitely as many as you need


Tawnya

[JWM]

Cherylanne, thanks for checking.

[I'mstillhopeful]

Some of it comes from the DB process being so counterintuitve, some if it comes from the shock of having lost a relationship one felt so certain would never tarnish.

So true. I thought we had the best relationship possible. People told me that we appeared to be so happy. The trouble is that our relationship looked really good to another woman who happened to be married.

Also it doesn't help when friends who are non-DB savvy warn that if the LBS appears to be too happy the WAS won't consider returning. (Of course in my case those non-DB friends are divorced because they counted on using guilt to bring the spouse back.)

He believes my H will dig his way out of the depression or MLC (he has met my H once and heard plenty about him from me). But something IC said planted a disturbing seed.

It is difficult keeping your PMA when you receive that kind of advice. Have you had a telephone coaching session?

I felt a lot of relief when I concluded H is depressed or in the midst of MLC because on a gut level, I knew that meant he'd be back here, someday. Yesterday, IC said have you considered the possibility that once H recovers, he may want to leave it all, his job, you, the city, maybe even the country? I replied that I had certainly considered it, I fear it all the time.

I totally understand. I remember feeling the bottom drop out of my life when the bombs started arriving and I considered that the man I loved dearly might be leaving my life completely. Perhaps you can take heart that if he is ready to return he will be committed to working on improving your relationship (as will you.) It has worked for me when I remind myself that I don't want to live my life with someone who doesn't want to be with me or considers me second best. So for me, not only will he want to return but he's going to have to be committed to working on a new relationship.

My H suffers from depression also. It has never been treated with ADs just talk therapy. Many times during our marriage he has been severely depressed and has withdrawn and has had trouble sleeping. It happened when he was stressed about his job, when his father died, and when his mother died. Little did I know that he was depressed because he was contemplating leaving our marriage.

In fact, during the last trip I began to consider that if it doesn't work out with H I will be just fine on my own, and, there might even be someone out there who is better suited.

I do not have time for a run before my evening plans, so no endorphins for me today.

I noticed that you are going to be taking Ballroom Dance lessons. I can't tell you how much Line Dancing gets the endorphins flowing. It's a good workout, the music is really upbeat, and people tend to laugh when they notice they are concentrating so much they forget which is right and which is left.

I like your perspective on the traveling. My H is the type who has to pack in as many activities as are humanly possible on any given day - you know, a man - so traveling without him will certainly slow the pace to a more acceptable one from my perspective.

Absolutely! And another benefit is that one has the opportunity to meet interesting people when one is traveling solo.

[Tawnya]

{{Imstill}}} I'm sorry you had to go thru that and, what you said about not wanting someone who thinks you are second best or doesn't really want to be with you is really true..we all need to get that thru our brains!! So..thank you for the reminder that we ARE all worth it aren't we?

JWM..on the alt univ..it's not too tough to find based on my info on here

Tawnya

[VeronicaV]

Tawnya - Thanks for the hugs. I am always grateful to receive them. And I am really proud of you for finding the martial arts class. That will really be good for you.

Imstillhopeful - wow, that was a really nice post, thank you for that. I have had several sessions of DB coaching with Jody and I always feel so much better. My IC is usually really helpful, it's just that every now and then he hits me with a zinger and it will resonate for a little while.

One thing I am is incredibly stubborn. I will not give up on H or our R until I am damned good and ready. It will not matter one hill of beans what anyone says to me. I know in my gut the man H is right now is not who H is as a well person. I refuse to quit on him or us until I know and see he is well. If he is well and happy without me and telling me he no longer loves me, that will be one thing, but this sorry, sad, sick and lonely man that he is right now deserves someone in his corner even if it is from afar. I know he would do this for me if the roles were reversed.

One thing that troubles me a bit: a lot of GAL activities make me miss H because I wish he were there with me, or because I would love to tell him about what I saw or learned. UGH!!!! But good little DB trooper that I am, I do them anyway because they are good for me.