Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

I really wonder what your H's relationship with the RM is. He chooses him over you and his son. This is not just a RM. This is a weird relationship.

RM works where my H works, they are in the same "band", they jam together, write music together, he's a good looking kid (25yo) and I almost wonder if my H doesn't see him as a younger version of himself. (I hadn't thought of that until just now.) Anyway, now that he has lived with roommate since March/April, he has grown attached to him. They both tease SS-(in fact, on Halloween, they left SS at home telling him that he would make a crappy wingman-which really hurt SS's feelings..did I mention SS is gay?), go out drinking together....He's a nice enough guy (I guess) but I don't like that he is in the space of people that I love that I see going downhill. When SS said that he didn't think there should be pot in the house, my H agreed at first. But then when SS was instructed to tell that to RM, RM said "F' that. You need to control yourself. YOU are the one that needs to be responsible for yourself and make the right choices. That's not MY job." And then my H agreed with RM. And strictly intellectually, I can see where that "make sense". But knowing about brain chemistry and addiction, it makes NO sense.

ARGH! It makes me want to tear my hair out in frustration. H told me yesterday that he had a 'talk' with RM and told him that under no circumstances should he give anything to SS and that they couldn't smoke it around SS. My H seems to think that since SS is dabbles in opiates, that pot is no big deal.

My only hope at this point is that some 'professional' will say the same thing I am. I am nearly positive that H thinks my motives are to control him/harsh his mellow and to get RM out of the house (since that is where I think *I* belong.)

I think my H has a serious problem. But since he is highly functioning, there is no talking him into that idea. When he was first talking about SS moving out here and I told him that he might need to stop drinking, he got all up in my grill and said that maybe SS shouldn't live with him if SS couldn't "deal" with it. I said "Gee, sounds like you just picked alchohol over your son" and he got REALLY ticked and justified, rationalized, etc.

I think if I contacted the police, the only thing that would happen is that SS would be taken out of the house and either shipped back east or tossed in jail. I don't see that as actually helping SS.

Since it appears SS is destined for rehab, it won't matter what H and his RM do. At least, not until it's time for SS to return to the house. I imagine any rehab facility would strongly encourage a clean house for a recovering addict.

H's "reasoning" for choosing RM over son is because RM doesn't lie to him, doesn't take his clothing/shoes, is respectful and appreciative and not horrible to live with. Personally, I don't give a flying leap if RM was Mother Teresa. If you bring your son back to try to help him create a new life and the RM is NOT advancing that idea, then the RM goes.

Thanks for listening and validating. I was absolutely thunderstruck at my in-laws lack of response. It made me start to wonder if maybe I *am* overreacting. Maybe I am too sensitive because of what happened with my dad... I hate that I have turned into "the heavy". But how can I NOT say anything??