Thanks so much for the accolades on the poem, Beth and marriedCrazy! I really appreciate it. I still have a little ways more to go before submitting for publishing, but I'm working on it.
As far as updates go, my meeting with my husband this morning was interesting. I really fell off the wagon in terms of DB principles, but I'm having a mixed reaction. I'm not sure how things are panning out right now. The confusion is overwhelming.
He came over at 8:00 as planned. I'd made the muffins and cleaned the house and put up the Christmas tree as per my goals. I looked great, wore my feminine shirt, and was smelling good.
All the ducks were in a row.
The problem is, I was having big doubts about my strategy. A good friend of ours came over last night to help me with the tree and have dinner. He has a background in psychology and theology, and he knows us really well. We talked for a really long time. I told him the situation in detail, and he had a different take on the situation than my coach.
He knows my H, and he said that my H has very low self-esteem right now. He said the signs were there for some time, but that he hadn't pieced things together until everything happened. My H is very quiet and reserved, so everything my friend was noticing was merely observation, etc. He said that my H doesn't feel that he can bring any value to the marriage, and so he can't stand the weight of that and is trying to cut ties. He feels that the OW is a means to that end - a way to break things enough so that he can run and set me free. He said that my H obviously still loves me - everyone who knows me tells me that, and I feel it as well - but that he feels unable to meet my needs. He also feels that my H is crying out for me to need him.
Thus, my friend had some concerns with the "letting the rope go" tactic. He felt that it could be counterproductive, and that it was making it easier for him to detach (which is what my H is telling me - "Let me go... You're making it too hard for me... I can't be with you... It's too hard... Stop telling me I'm a good man; you're just making it harder... You deserve better."). He felt that my H was deliberately trying to sabotage my attempts to give him love because he doesn't feel like he can live up to it.
In any case, he said that it would take time - and that I had to give it time - but that I also had to be clear that I was still fighting for our marriage and for him. He seemed to feel that my detachment would actually be a more of the same tactic as I dealt with our original conversations with extreme detachment. It made sense, considering that I've felt from the beginning that my H was looking for a reaction from me when we first sat down to discuss our marriage. I was the one who suggested the separation, to give him time to think. I was the one who wouldn't tell him I loved him when he was leaving that first time. H was the one coming to me, kissing me and telling me that he loved me, that it would be for a short time, that we'd be ok.
I never reciprocated that until after the final bomb. So yes, I've been pursuing, but only since the final bomb. For the duration of the relationship - all 11 years - I've never reciprocated love on an equal level.
Needless to say, I was confused beyond belief. When I looked back over the situation, I could almost see signs that pursuing was working. Sure, he kept telling me it was too hard or that I had to respect his need to let go, but he also was responding to me - especially when we interacted more as friends. He was frustrated that I "was making him doubt himself" for a minute or sos that night he came over and I told him about the changes in me.
I really had no clue what to do, so when H arrived this morning, I was bubbly and cheery and otherwise was flying by the seat of my pants. We talked and laughed. We had coffee and smoked.
Then he brought up the finances again. He's running, trying to rush and figure out how to handle things, asking what I wanted to do. H has always been like this. He runs from towards the greener grass if he's having a difficult time. He rushes and then regrets it. For my part, I told him I needed more time to sort things out. I told him that I needed to think about how to handle things, and I asked his opinion many, MANY times. He asked for a timeframe for the D; he wants us to go see a lawyer together and split the fees rather than have me file and bear the bulk of the cost as I'd originally proposed. He had lots of ideas to try and save my credit, and he admitted that he'd paid my car payment this month to help me out. I wouldn't have given him a January timeframe, but he was worried that I would draw things out. He's afraid that I'm going to get angry and try to trample him (not in his words, but that was the basic feeling) - which would be much more in line with the woman he knows.
And then we ended up talking about the R. I honest to God cannot remember who brought it up. It might have been me, although I know that it was organic to the discussion about finances, becaus ethe discussion about finances was all about him apologizing to me. He kept saying that I'll find someone better, someone who makes more money than his salary. He said he doesn't know what he's going to do, but that he's trying to find himself. He has all of these crazy, super-dangerous ideas to go overseas. Or maybe he'll stay here. Or maybe he'll move to Tennessee.
In truth, he has no idea what he's going to do. I matched his tone. I validated. I told him he'd be good at anything, and I didn't give advice. I tried to demonstrate that I was confused as well.
The R talk eventually came around to me telling him that I'm angry at myself - not him - for having taken so long to wake up to what I was doing. I apologized for not appreciating him enough, for taking him for granted. I admitted that I'd been on autopilot. I told him that he was a good man - the best man I knew - and that I was sad that we couldn't make things work because we complete eachother in many ways. I told him that I definitely felt ready for settling down, for a family, and that I was unsure of going to grad school right now because I felt I was in a different season.
I told him that I understood why he felt that he had to be free, that he had to answer unanswered questions and tie up unfinished business. I admitted that I needed to do the same, and that this wake-up call had solidified things for me abotu what my priorities truly are.
I could tell it was hard for him to listen to, and he was carrying a ton of guilt.
At some point, God only knows how it came up, he told me that he would always love me. He told me that he did love me, and that I would always be my best friends. He said he was happy that he we were being so honest, that we could talk and still be friends. He told me that it was unbearably hard to be around me, and that as much as he wanted to f*** me, he couldn't and he knew it would be the wrong thing. He didn't want to lead me on or make things worse for me.
Long story short, we ended up having sex. It was totally my decision, and I was very la-la-la about it. He was the one having the huge moral dilemma. He kept saying that this can't change things. This doesn't change things. I agreed and said that I knew and understood. I played the "I jsut want to f***" card because I did.
Not saying I didn't have ulterior motives, and despite the fact that I knew I shouldn't have, I wanted to. I felt in control of the situation (yes, I know that sounds insane).
As we were in the heat of the moment, he said that even as friends he wanted to keep f***ing me. About two minutes later, he actually stopped and started apologizing. Started saying he didn't want me to misinterpret things, that we shouldn't have had sex.
Afterwards, we talked for awhile and then went to the bank. I was nonchalant. I thanked him for being so thoughtful as to let me cash this rebate check to pay the mortgage. I actually made it a point to thank him for everything he did while here, and he seemed to appreciate that.
When we got home from the bank, we continued to talk. We gossiped and laughed, and then at one point he told me that he's "seeing someone". I told him I knew, and that I understood. He seemed very guilty and had trouble looking me in the eye. I was completely breezy, laughing and smiling and validating. He told me he name. She is 21 and a waitress. He said it's nothing serious, and that it bothered him that he'd broken his vows. He said that at least he'd told me, though, and when I asked if he'd "broken his vows" before the big bomb, he said no. He'd only been talking.
I told him I knew she was nothing like me, and he laughed and said, "No, she's not. No one is like you."
He said that any woman that's ever in his life is going to know that we're best friends and just have to deal with it. I smiled and validated.
I asked if he was happy and he said yes. I told him that I was glad he was happy. I tried to talk more about the A on a friend level, but he said it was too early and he felt too bad. He said he'd tell me one day.
I told him about an old flame that had emailed me recently to go for drinks, and he got visibly disturbed. He couldn't take it, and it bothered him pretty obviously. He then said that it wasn't fair for him to be upset, and that he just couldn't talk about it. Later, he then said that it's ok. I shoudl go for drinks, and that he's happy that we can be so honest and cool with eachother.
As time drew on, I realized that when he started to get really conflicted, he would try to get firm again that he just had to walk his own path. I validated.
I then realized that I'd given him alot to think about and that then i needed to raise the stakes. I told him that I wanted to be friends, and that I was having fun with him, but that I wasn't sure it would work in the long run. He said he understood, that it was so hard. I told him I wasn't sure, but that time would tell. I talked about my plans for the future and about possibly starting a afamily soon if it was in the cards.
He said he would miss the house, and me, and our dog. He seemed to have a hard time leaving.
When he got up to leave, I went to shake his hand. He protested, and hugged me and kissed my forehead. He hugged me and told me that I was a good woman and would find happiness. I told him he was a good man. He said I deserved better, and I said we'd have to agree to disagree.
I asked for another two hugs, and I told him goodbye. I tried to make it sound final. He tapped me on the arm and said, "Goodbye, Babe."
He left. I hid and watched him leave froma side widnow he couldn't see. He stayed half pulled out of the driveway for several minutes.
I was confident and warm and understading. I was also trying to appear like I was letting go a little. I think it came across, but who knows.
He was running the whole time. I could see it in him. He's scared and conflicted, at least I think.
I need some input. My friend thinks I did the right thing. That I gave him alot too think about and that now I have to put it in God's hands.
I still have a little ways more to go before submitting for publishing, but I'm working on it.
