Whether, what & when to tell kids?

[AlexEN]

Lost,

The truth. I will figure out the words, and clearly details are not needed, but the truth is. The 11 year old may get a little different script, but the message will be the same.

This is much easier said than done for me... I cannot come up with good script for my 8 year-old, let alone my soon-to-be 11 year-old...

I think they need to know the truth and that means they WILL have to learn some of the details otherwise we're just as guilty as our spouses of lying to them.

While I am more than willing to accept my role and ackowledge my sins, I think my wife needs to come clean, too, and acknowledge that it is she, not I, that is unwilling to try to work things out despite the fact that she is the one who strayed.

I know, I know, it's a tightrope, but we've (I take some blame for this) protected her too long from what SHE has done. I don't want to continue to enable.

Among the other powerful threads I read on Puppy's trail was this by a poster called MrsNOP:

So, at some point in the future they have every intention of introducing OP to children, family, coworkers, etc. They keep things secret so they can manipulate what they want at the time they want it. They also want to manipulate the situation to make it appear that the OP had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage. They keep the affair under wraps, start the process of keeping the BS deceived and they start explaining to family members that the marriage is having problems.

This usually take one of two tacks - it's no one's fault we've just grown apart or s/he is just impossible and I've dealt with him/her as long as I can.

So, the BS can sit back and do nothing proactive while the WS and OP spin their plans, on their own timetable in order to set themselves up in the best possible light - WITH NO REGARD TO THE BS and little or no regard for the children...

OR

Exposure takes the power of your life back. No matter what the squirming and squealing cries may say, the reality is that the BS did something BEFORE the WS plans could be fully implemented. The parents, children, coworkers are told the UNvarnished, unmanipulated truth.

So, the squeals are all about having their fantasy plans pulled out from the shadows and machinations into the cold, hard light of day open to scrutiny.

The other option is to sit back and allow your life, your future, your children and their future to be permanently changed while you do nothing because you fear the spouse might be driven away.

Spouses who leave and never come back after the truth has been exposed are spouses who were leaving anyway OR they are spouses who might stay in the marriage while never lifting a finger to recover the marriage.

I don't want to continue to give her the luxury of spinning this yarn to make her feel better. I also know, per comments I've made before, that what she fears most is looking like the "bad guy". Well, not that I'm innocent, she IS and she DOES need to face that fact.

-AlexEN