Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

---journaling---although I will bold things that are important if anyone happens to skim by.

More R talk on Thursday night and this time, not so "positive". (He freakin' runs hot and cold worse than a broken hot water heater.)
We were talking about the sitch with his son. SS told me that he really wants to go to counseling, but is afraid that my H isn't going to support him in that. (I assured him that he, in fact, is very much wanting him to get counseling.) SS also said that he wants all three of us to go. That he has a hard time speaking with H, but not me, and thinks we all could use some counseling. (Agreed.)

So, when I tell H that SS wants us ALL to go, he says "Well, that's fine. As long as we don't talk about "us"." I thought that was an interesting statement, so after agreeing that the counseling is for SS and not US, I asked why he seemed so "anti-us".
H- I don't think counseling would help.
M- ?
H- I just don't know what I want..(etc etc same old same old)
H- Besides, you're okay with the situation.
M-Who the he!! ever said I was "ok" with the situation? I have been being patient.
H- Well, I'm just saying it's not my fault we're in this sitch.
M- [fuming]
H- It's good that you are finally standing up for yourself.
M- ....
H- I love you too much to keep hurting you. That's why I have been so 'back and forth'. I didn't want to feel bad about hurting you.
M- I call BS. You just said that it was good I was standing up for myself and then you act as if you were doing things to stop hurting me.
a little more scrapping between us, then he says
H- Well, economy sucks right now, and I didn't want to leave you in a bind with no health insurance...I just don't know what I am doing. We were supposed to talk about all this in Costa Rica but then I got caught up in the moment.
M- What do you mean?
H- Well, you knew that I wanted us to talk.
M- There are two ways to look at 'talking'; I assumed it was in a positive, moving forward way....are you trying to tell me you planned to dump me in f'ing Costa Rica?!?!
H- ..well, no..I don't know what I exactly thought. But I got caught up in the moment and then we came home and all the bad feelings came rushing back.

By then we were getting close to his parents house and I didn't want to have a breakdown. It was obvious I was agitated and he asked what I thought, and I said "I do not have one good thing to say right now, so I am not going to speak."

After dinner at the parents, we all discussed what to do about SS and his addictions. H's parents had no idea that the roommate smokes pot all the time. They were going on and on about how important the environment is for SS to live in, and how he needs a good example. I could barely contain myself as I glared across the table at H. Finally, he says "roommate smokes pot". I say "every freaking day" and he says "Well, not EVERY day, but, yeah, too much."
We get into a HUGE hoopla over whether it's a good idea for that to be in the house with SS. His parents were not as clear cut as I would have liked. I finally said, "Sounds to me like you are picking RoomMate over your son" and the spew that came forth from his mouth...OMG. "Damn right I'm picking RM over my S. My S is a lying POS that doesn't f'ing appreciate any fing thing, etc etc." He was jabbing his finger into the air and nearly spitting. There were nearly more swear words than actual words. After he stop his mom just said "You can't swear like that in this house. It's not nice." ?? That's it?! I finally, said "Well, maybe I am the lone voice in the wilderness that thinks the living situation over there is not conducive to SS's recovery. Fine." And I mimed 'washing my hands' of the whole thing. I was FUMING mad. And I SO, wanted to tell them of the DUI. But I did not. I figure it will eventually come out. They can all wallow in their dysfunction.

Afterwards, on the way to pick up SS from his work, I let H have it. From my point of view, my H is more interested in continuing to drink and smoke pot (on occassion, not as bad as roommate) than he is in stopping long enough to help SS thru all this. He is more concerned with getting to still "party". He keeps saying that SS has to learn to deal with temptation because he is 'always going to be around it'. I say BS. He does not HAVE to be around it in the place he lives. We all get to CHOOSE our home environment; our safe-haven where we don't have to *fight* temptation.

Pick up SS at work. I am still fuming mad because I feel like this is the last chance to save SS (before something really horrible happens) and my H is srewing it up because he selfishly is more concerned with maintaining his ease of partying than sacrificing for SS. {Side note- my dad died because of drugs. He burned down the top half of my gramma's house doing drugs and died in the fire. My gramma enabled him. He stole stuff from her, stole credit cards- basically should have been kicked out, but she turned a blind eye while he just got deeper and deeper into drugs. I am passionate not out of ignorance, but because I know what can happen all too well.}

SS asks why we are so quiet and H says "Mama's mad right now. We were arguing about you." SS obviously wants to know why, so finally he is told it's because of the RM smoking pot. SS says "Well, I really like RM and think he's a good example for me. I have to make the choice to not smoke pot." H nods his head in agreement. What I heard was the addict in SS saying to not take away his easy access to escaping using drugs. We had previously been talking about inpatient rehab for SS so dripping with sarcasm, I said "You know what? I bet you're totally right that it is ALL up to SS, the addict, to just say "no". In fact, I bet that when someone arrives at rehab, they tell the addict 'over here are the drugs that you can't have. you have to learn to just say no. so, don't you touch them. there in this room here, but you just better not touch them. we're going to teach you to deal with temptation.' Oh, yes, I bet that's exactly what happens. I'm sure that rehab doesn't see ANY value in having a clean environment to help the person recover." My H got really quiet. I think he realized I was right when I framed it that way. Then my H was even MORE interested in putting SS into an inpatient rehab. SS said he will go and he is fine if it's 90 days. He doesn't care, he just wants to feel better and quit screwing up his life.

I am tired.
I feel like I am watching everything I care about go down the crapper. I feel like H is in la-la land about drug use and my SS. SS is in a precarious place and H wants to do a "Do as I say, not as I do" thing. They are smoking in the house. There is already a cigarette burn in one room's carpet. My H is about to lose his license for 90 days.

Yesterday, though, he called and was warm and friendly. Apologized for losing it the night before. Talked about putting SS into rehab for up to 6 months, no less than 3. In the meantime, next Tues is a consultation to find a counselor. What hes going to do after that, I don't know. He won't have a license. SS doesn't have one either, yet. A little voice in my brain is saying that H is going to be nice enough to keep me on the line so I can drive him and SS places. OTOH, isn't that what family does? Help each other out?

I agree w/H that I don't want to be left in a bind without health insurance either. Maybe we can just sign a LSA for the time being and then I can move forward with no guilt.... I don't know.