So I just decided to set a new goal for myself: I will take a vacation by myself.
This will be a big step for me, HUGE. I have traveled alone to and from places, but always gone to visit a friend or family member. I have never picked a place I wanted to see, made the arrangements and then just gone there and enjoyed/entertained myself.
It is also big because, given the current circumstances, being alone in the quiet is a challenge. So babysteps. It will be an extended weekend and it will happen well after the holidays when any turmoil I experience will be settled.
I learned how to trot during my riding lesson this morning. If you have not ever done this, trust me when I say it is not as easy as it looks. But, for a little while, I managed to do it. My instructor said that while my technique needs improving, the most important thing she saw was that I am not afraid to do it and that is key. She said her students with fear of falling are too stiff and rigid and never get the feel of the flow of the horse. As a result, they never really get past walking; they never really become riders.
So I thought, I need to stop getting in my own way. I need to stop letting fear dictate what I do, when I do it and how I do it. I thought about how much the fear I feel about H must be making me too stiff and rigid in my own life. I thought about how much other fears I have are inhibiting my ability to go with the flow so to speak. If I want the best life I can possibly have, I have to free myself from fear and try things.
