It's Complicated!

[glamgirl]

Feeling a little discouraged. I was thinking of a co-worker that was on a business trip and how her h was packing nutritious snacks for her and she mentioned how attentive he was on Thanksgiving.

Now they are newly M, but what goes on in my head is why can't this be me. Why can't I have an h that even wants to live with us let alone be attentive. I walked away from that convo wondering what it is that I am trying to do. Why am I trying so hard for something that will probably never be. I am torn at the moment.

H's plans are to come over and help get a tree and decorate. The funny thing is I don't feel motivated. I really don't even want to get a tree. It's weird. I didn't feel like making Thanksgiving dinner either, but I did, now the same thing for the other holidays is creeping in.

Not sure what is happening. I have always loved the holiday times. They have always been about family and I just see my family as broken and not so sure it can be repaired.

Something else is happening with me too. My feelings are changing. I am not sure how to explain it. Not sure how to keep them in check. Any thoughts?