For the Guy with Kids and a WW Twenty One

[Sugar and Spice]

uninvite B letting her know how INAPPROPRIATE it is for you, a married man, to go with another woman to a party when you are fighting for your wife, AND you don't want to lead her on.

This is it in a nutshell. You can't tell B that you are fighting for you M and want your W when you are starting down the EA path with her. Lets just put it out there, your relationship with B is teetering on the brink of an EA. Take it or leave it, but thats how I see it. I know you are feeling lonely and want someone to pay attention to you and make you feel good about yourself, but you are playing a dangerous game and you're gonna get burned. Just my opinion, but how is this helping you further your goals with W?

[InLikeFlynn]

Well I may be in the minority but I think you did a good job!!! You mixed it up a bit....with some subtle 180/pullback and then there was an opportunity to make some quality points(You saw a opening in the enemy lines) and I think you scored!!!

[whatdidido]

Ok, I have about 15 minutes before my son gets off the bus....You are putting yourself "out there" for us so we can continue to remind you what you already know. No use in lying to us, we are the only ones telling you what you should do to try to save your marriage. No one else in the real world over there is going to do anything but tell ya to move on...especially your good "friend", B. I don't judge you for what you did, but continue to implore you to try to do something different and try to see what we all see. You are making choices, just like your wife made a choice. Thing is, you KNOW BETTER.


Comments on what you said:

* You didn't let her "pop in" during your time to have d7 when she wanted to "help" pick her up. GOOD.

*Tries to chit chat. You are quiet. GOOD.

*Her and her phone calls. She wants it this way, she wants a divorce, so she has to have it that way then. Your time is your time and her time is her time. That's what a divorce is. She is such a cake eater.

*B....A big ol' blech to all of that. Called you crying because she had a terrible day at work. BLech. You apologize. Blech, blech. You confide in her about how last year's bday sucked making her think she will change that THIS year. Blechy blechy, blech. You invite her to the party. PUKE! N with her bf and you and B, how nice......you two arriving as a "couple"..Double puke.

*Fun little, married couple interactions between each other.....even though she is with OM and won't stop. So, she will interact like you are married, but she won't really BE married. She's got it good.

*Tells you about how she cries when her girls are not there with her. Bingo, Lady, you don't get to be with your kids full time when you are divorced. This is what you wanted! Don't comfort her, h4h!!!!

*She's spending time on messenger, cam-ing, changing her picture so others can see how pretty she is (or at least OM while he is at work or whatever)....and the same time, IMs her husband and has a nice long, meaningful convo, even though she is sleeping with OM.

h4h, you know you are my favorite. You know why? Because you remind me of my H and because I know we think the same on so many things. You and your W can be soo happy, and you have a chance at this....You both have faith in God. This fight is not over. Stop the B doo doo, and stop letting your wife act like she is not having an affair.

[whatdidido]

Thinking about you, and hoping you are having a better day.

[karen43]

I don't know. I usually love to come here and blast you for doing the same stuff I do. But to some extent you are the person you are, a loving, kind person and it's probably hard to really change that. I know you know all the stuff I know and probably more so let me just give you a hug ((((H4H)))). Karen

[hopeful4her]

No posting last night, because my computer crashed after I posted on Karens thread. Now I can only post while at work.

I'm good today. I was actually good yesterday, too. I took my lumps like I figured I was going to get.

It's really a hard thing. Moving away from the wife. I don't contact her, or at least I try not to, unless its about the kids. I do engage her when she contacts me. I care about her and I do worry about her.

Even after everything.

Aside from that, I have been really trying to stay away from her. I don't initiate emails, texts, IM's or calls. Yesterday, while I was on my way to pick up the girls, she called me asking if I had the little one yet. I told her I was on the way. She let me know that the older ones were at a neighbors place playing.

She then starts to tell me how when she talked to S14, he was kinda blowing her off, he was changing his plans for the evening, he wanted to spend the night at a friends house instead of his dad picking him up. Her thought was that his dad was not able to pick him up or something. He must have been hurrying her up to get off the phone and I like I said before, she HATES that.

I just listened to her. I told her that I'll just tell him that he ISN'T going to spend the night somewhere until he talks to her. That was it. She starts in with how he just wants to do what he wants blah blah. She tells me that she has to work until 6:30 because she was supposed to go in at 9:30. I hear someone talking to her and then she tells me she has to go let someone out the door because they were closed already.

"Thanks for letting me vent. I'll call later when I get out of work."

I pick up D7, get to the apartment and talk to S14 and get the story straight. I do get on him about communicating better to us both and the usual complaint about how she and I are always the one to have to pick up or take and that includes his friends. Be nice to have their parents pitch in sometimes. He made a complaint about how she talks and has moments of silence and how he takes it. I let him know that he's can't go anywhere until he talks to her and he agrees. After, I take the girls to my folks.

As I'm getting the girls inside, the wife calls back from the apartment now. It had taken me over an hour to get to my folks because of an accident on the highway.

This started another 40 minute conversation. She let me know that her cell phone is out. I assume its because she needs to pay it again. We talk about S14. I tell her the convo I had with him. I alluded that I had to intervene again and I told her that she needs to sit his butt down and tell him what she expects from him. She starts to tell me how she can't make plans because she is always waiting for him or doing stuff for his friends, so on and so on. I ask her that if he isn't going to spent the night anywhere, that I'll go pick him up and he can stay with me. She asks me why I would do that.

"If you had plans. I'll go pick him up" I tell her.

She says that she has no plans. That she NEVER has plans. "All I do is stay here. I cook, I clean, I chauffer, I rent movies and then just fall asleep after they start. I have no social life!" She tries to almost threaten, "You know what? I AM going to do something. I need to get the hell out of here and socialize!"

I stay quiet.

We end up talking about Christmas and stars in with how its gonna be a poor one this year. I agree with her and I tell her some of my plans for cashing in some reward points at work to get them something. She mentions that she can't wait for this year to end.

She talks about her dad. I tell her a story of how today, one of my tellers got a phone call that her step dad had passed away. She broke down and just cried and cried. I tell her how I had to console her. I just hugged her and let her let it out. She She ended up telling me how she didn't get to say goodbye. I tell her story of my FIL and how I didn't get to say goodbye either. She wife says that she wasn't sure which was worse. I ask what she means. She says "Being there to say goodbye and watching them die or missing it and not saying goodbye. I think its worse to miss it even though its hard to be there, too."
I tell her I agree because then you live the rest of your life with regret.

She asks where I am and I tell her that I'm dropping off the girls at the house because I work tomorrow(today). She sounded surprised. I tell her that I'll just be doing the same as her. Going home with nothing to do. She tells me to tell the girls she loves them and to have a good time with grandma and grandpa.

I can tell she is getting emotional again. I can't really hear it but I know her. I can sense it. She reminds me to contact her at work or at the apartment because of her phone. We tell each other goodnight and then goodbye.

And I went home. Yes B called me. About 3 times. Yes I spoke to her. She was with her daughter picking out movies and getting stuff to eat for the night.

At the end of the day, I'm home. Alone.

On the drive in to work, I kept thinking about how the wife as treated me. With ALL her problems and personal issues from day one. And I do mean from day one. Issues. Baggage. I have always been there. In all her decisions she has made throught our time together. I supported her. I may have disagreed and told her so, but still supported her.

Always.

Also, why the hell, if he IS still around, doesn't OM treat her like a queen. Take her out. Spend the money on her. Make her happy.

Or is she blowing smoke up my azz and just giving me the "poor me" crap? Knowing her as well as I do, something isn't right. She is not the type to show that side to me. She only wants me to know how happy she is in her decision.

In an odd way, maybe thats a good thing for her to do. Letting me see that her life ain't peaches and cream.

I think she has started her downward spiral already. I'm not trying to save her from it, but I do listen to her.

Normally, I would get off work, go grab a Krispy Kreme doughnut and take it to her and just leave it on her desk with a note written on the bag.

"Hope your day is better
R "

I may have even done this as of a few weeks ago. I don't do those things anymore.

I may have concluded that we MAY be better off NOT married at this point.


And I'll take a hug anytime, karen. I'm always the one handing out the hugs in my real life. Time for some hugging on me.

[InLikeFlynn]

I would have thrown out the "Tom" truth dart about not having a social life!!! I would have said well at least you have "Tom"!! I have no one!! If for now other reason than to measure where they are at this time!! But that is just me!!!

[whatdidido]

Ok sooooooo........you aren't going to stop talking to B apparently, and you are going to continue talking to your W and be her friend while she is with OM apparently soooooo.............

Are you just waiting for her to divorce you and meanwhile have an EA with B? Is that the bottom line? I'm not trying to be rude here, I just am wondering what to tell you and if that is what you are doing, then I would change what I say to you.

[kat727]

I really don't know what to say. Are you in a rebellious stage or something? You want support but keep going against advice. I really want to help you because you seem to still have a chance with your M but your actions aren't fitting your words right now. Have you become a WAS?

kat

[hopeful4her]

Beej, I've mentioned this to you before.

It's hard for you to see things through my eyes.

Believe me. You know how I feel about you. You have become a very, very dear friend.

Heres my observation.

So far, most everyone here, with a few exceptions, has gotten to the point of D. I'm trying to mix things up with my wife. I've been employing different methods. It drives me crazy, but even you can see good things.

All the while, I feel good about myself. I've come pretty far considering where I was before.

I am NOT in an EA with B. I understand that I am dancing, but she....

SHE IS NOT WHO I WANT!

She never will be. You guys know what I want. You guys know WHO I want, but the dance helps keep me sane. I can't put into words. It's like a game. I keep her at just enough distance, though.

I can't tell you the opportunities that I've had. I control myself.

I get emotional. I say things. I feel this and then I feel that. I think that I'm pretty normal, considering. I just write it all down.

But the overall thing is that I love my wife, she has not taken the D steps yet, we are not adversarial anymore, and I think that she is coming to some realizations about life and what she has done.

I'm not trying to rescue her. I'm really not.

She may or may not divorce me, but I'm still fighting. Even though I say I'm not. Even when I don't think I am, I still am. Either way, I'm ok with whatever happens. Of course, I have my preference, but I don't control it.

And I've concluded that I'm okay with that.


B called me three times the other day. I answered her last call. That was it.


I've rambled with out being able to go back and correct myself. I know that I don't make any sense to anyone, have I ever made sense?

I'm just trying to keep my sanity. Did I mention that already?


After work yesterday, I went and left a Krispy Kreme coupon for a dozen doughnuts on her windshield.

"Go have a sugar fix on me. Enjoy the rest of your day.

R"

That was another attack. It felt like a good time to attack when she might have been in a weak state. An attack, then pull back.

I think ILF kinda understands.

No contact with her the whole day. No contact with B the whole day except for a text she sent in the morning.

Took my girls to a B'day party that N had for her daughter. Lots of friends. B was not able to attend. My girls had a lot of fun. After the party, grab a few things at the grocery store, go home and makes spaghetti and meatballs for us. My bud brings his daughter over to spend some time with D11 and D7 and she spends the night.

This morning, waffles and sausages. Get all of us to church and while in church, get a call from the wife from her apartment. She left a VM,

"Hey, it's C. Your probably in church right now, so I wanted to at least leave you a message. I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to the store with my neighbor. They are going to go take me to where I can get more food. I...uh...also wanted to let you know that my phone still doesn't work, so I'll call you when I get back, but...if you need to....ummm....well....there's no way to get a hold me so....I will call you when I get back. Uhhh.....I also wanted to know if you needed anything from the store. Ummm....to at least help out. So...give me a call...bye. Bye."

Not going to call her back. She can call me back.

I brought the girls to the library. Next, a quick lunch at a cousins and then to my buds girlfriends house to watch some Cowboys/Steelers. After that, not sure. Might make the wife come get the girls at the house again.

I just want to be loved again.

Thanks for everyones posts. I really love you guys.