Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Journal...

H got home pretty late last night, later than me. I can't complain about him spending time at the gym though. I like that he's taking this so seriously. He just joined last week, so my guess is that in a couple of weeks, the obsession factor will wear off and he won't be spending as much time there.

When he got home he asked me if I bought the book about the Czech Republic so that he could look at it. I hadn't, but this was a good sign, that he was actually showing interest in the trip.

We pretty much just went to bed after he got home, so not much of interest happened. In bed he asked me to hold him, which was very sweet. He used to do that all the time, say "come hold me." So of course I did.

This morning H had to leave early for a meeting. Usually I leave while he is still in bed, so this was different. He mentioned again that for the next week he is going to be busy studying for his exams. I told him I understood. His attitude toward me seems to be slowly improving. It's one of those things that I can't really explain by any specific actions or words, but more in the tone of voice that he uses, and the way that he smiles when I say something. When we say good bye in the morning it's still "later", or just "bye", but this is fine. I am not pushing for anything else. I am doing my best to act unfazed by the lack of hugging etc. I know we are on that path, and I know that pushing could set us back.

Anyway, I'm off to work now. I am slowly starting to get my act together there as well. I just hope it's not too late to salvage my career! It's just not the time for me to be spending loads of extra hours on the job, so I am going to have to do my best to simply get by and do an adequate job for the moment...

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Wow ITH.. he asked you to HOLD HIM !??
I'd have wept tears of joy if my ex said that to me...so I think thats hugely positive.. its one step nearing to him holding YOU in bed!

Also a good sign that he asked if you had bought the Czech book yet (when are you getting it, or could you say he is welcome to go pick one up that he likes?) so seems that he is getting interested in the holiday.

I didnt realise that he had never met your ex! Is kind of strange you will be staying with them over Christmas, but if you think he and your H will get on.. how come you are so friendly with your ex anyway? (and I guess he never came to your wedding?)

On the intimacy thing.. I think that could naturally return as your H feels more confident in his feelings for you and in the R?? I dont know what else to suggest, as things were always either right, or feeling wrong for me, so not sure how to sort of engineer more intimacy...maybe the setting?? He seems to do a lot of video playing... can you put music on and sit near him and just 'be' around him??

Al x

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Aww thanks for the nice words.

I think I might pick up the book for H tonight after work, as I want him to be as involved as possible in the trip planning and such. The sooner he can find things that he is interested in seeing/doing the better.

Oh H has met my ex, but only once. I guess I am still friends with him because we always had a pretty platonic relationship. There wasn't any sexual chemistry, and it was more like we were buddies who shared academic interests. I was an undergrad and he was a PhD student when we met, and mentally we were a perfect fit, but emotionally, physically etc. it just wasn't there. In fact, me being less mature then at 25, I used to complain to my H (as a friend only) that my BF never wanted to have sex with me...So I think H is very much not intimidated knowing the history like he does.

Yeah on the intimacy thing, it's a good idea to try and be around him when he is doing something he enjoys like video game playing. I just hate to be in his space if that is when he wants alone time. I guess I could try to start by showing an interest, and see if he bites. If he does, and wants to share with me, then I could just hang around like you suggested. I guess intimacy can't be pushed, or maybe it can if both people are going to counseling and doing specific exercises, but we aren't to that point yet I guess.

Thanks for checking in Ali!

ITH

[istherehope]

Today's journal...

Yesterday I was feeling weird as H hadn't reached out at all during the day, and this is unlike him. I know that I was overanalyzing though. So H got home early from school again, and we ate dinner. He started off being slightly irritable as I had forgotten to do some cleaning thing I'd said I would do. I just apologized and didn't respond to his annoyance. This seemed to do the trick, and it seemed like he was making a little bit of an effort with me when we were upstairs. He asked how my day was. This is not something he did even pre-bomb, so it was unexpected but nice.

He told me that he had been telling a friend at work about the dessert I'd made last weekend, and asked me to send the recipe to share with her as it was so good. I really liked this as I think it's a good sign if he's talking about me again to people, and in a positive way. He asked if I'd make this dessert again this weekend too.

So, we went to bed and read a bit, nothing special. However H woke up really early this morning, and came and wrapped himself around me. Then, for the 2nd night in a row, he asked me to come and hold him. He said "come and be squiggly." This is how he used to call it when I would be affectionate with him. Yes this melted my heart. It was so comfortable and nice that I overslept a bit.

Also yesterday I downloaded the audio versions of the 5 Love Languages and Passionate Marriage books. I will need to try and find time to listen when H is not around. I wanted to buy the books themselves, but it would have taken a long time to get them shipped here.

Also noteworthy is the fact that we talked about the trip again. In fact there is one aspect to the trip that we both think is really funny. My ex told me that his GF's family is used to living in small spaces and not having privacy. He told me that "it still bothers me when GF's mother changes in front of me and the rest of the family." Oh H and I have had so much fun laughing about this. I guess the family also has a sauna and ex warned me that their "nudity taboo isn't as well developed as other people's." So, we talked about what kind of gifts would be appropriate to bring for the household, and H joked about some new Victoria's Secret line for the mother, with the tag line "when you don't want it to be a secret." You had to be there I guess, but this potential for family nudity is really lightening everything up. Ex says it's usually better when there is company over, but you never know!

Anyway I have to get ready for work. I have some really lame plans tonight to go to a coworker's party that I don't want to go to. Luckily I have to take a train home so was able to give my excuse for leaving at 10 PM in advance--just long enough to be out of the house for awhile, but I still get to have some Friday time with H as well.

ITH

[optimistwife]

Hi ITH,

I just read the 5 LL book a week ago, and it really was good. I had read snippets about it but the book really helped put things together in my mind. There is also a new book he has called Love as a Way of Life that I am just starting.

I think the nudity situation could lead to an interesting holiday! If nothing else it can be a chuckle when you two retire at night, and maybe re-enact some things? I have found that with my H, the best way to sneak into intimacy is to do it with joking around and playing. Get a chance to touch him in a flirty and fun way, tickle, slap him on the rear, etc... Is this something that you could do with your H?

It will be great for you two to have a change of venue. Can also be a change of attitudes.

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Thanks for checking in. I think the fun and flirty thing is a good idea in our sitch. The last 2 nights H has sort of "grabbed" me while we were laying in bed, but hasn't taken it any further. I can't actively pursue him, but at the same time he needs to know how interested I am , so playing around is a good idea. At worst I'd say it will be neutral.

Last night was SO nice. I haven't overslept in ages, and oversleeping because I was holding my H was amazing, even if he doesn't recognize it as such.

Yeah I think the nudity thing would be quite funny actually. My ex is very conservative, so I know he won't be joining in. As long as HE is not getting naked, it will all just be entertaining...

OK hope to have better things to post tomorrow...almost home now and am on the train!

ITH

[istherehope]

Journaling...

Last night I got home at 1030 PM, a little bit drunk. H was annoying me as he really wasn't interacting with me and seemed a bit distant. I asked if he had a good day at work, and he said "I'm just playing," referring to playing his video game. So, I let it go and went upstairs for a bit, then went to bed. He came in shortly after and was nice, not overly affectionate, but not distant.

So this morning things have been better. I'm glad I didn't freak out last night at his distance. I need to learn it's not all about me, and even if it is, I can't make it better by pushing. I was close, very close, to saying too much last night.

Today H got up after me and we had some coffee together. He called me "little" several times, one of his sweet nicknames. He wants to study for the day and I have gone to town to do some errands. Before I left he talked about his work a bit, always a good thing as he seems a bit more open. He said he'd likely need to go on a business trip week after next. My 180 is not to get annoyed, so I didn't. I do worry that with so much time alone he'll send me emotional emails, but no reason to get paranoid already.

We have a trip coming up soon and that's what I will stay focused on. That will be 5 days of lots of togetherness but in a neutral place. I think it will be so good for us.

Ok off to shop,

ITH

[JCJ]

You did great ITH, you didn't react about his business trip which shows him you can give him space - which was one of his main complaints. Just be non reactional at all about the trip and wish him a good time. Then he will have nothing to push against and it will minimise the risk of emotional emails.

Great job!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH...

You said "Last night I got home at 1030 PM.... H was annoying me as he really wasn't interacting with me and seemed a bit distant. I asked if he had a good day at work, and he said "I'm just playing,"

hmmm.. you often say he is playing video games (in nearly every one of your posts!). Would you say he was addicted to them? Its a classic sign of depression isnt it. Also, he's being pretty avoidant and his answer was rude too. You also said in one of your posts that he has never helped cook dinner in 7 years and also, that he never asked you how your day was ever, prebomb. I feel that you are battling against some behaviours that have always been there in your R, that are maybe adding to the general feeling of a H who isnt being particularly loving/giving right now?

I am picking up that he seems quite quiet and brooding lately. It seems from an outsiders perspective that you dont really know whats going on with him, or what he is thinking and he does seem to be thinking or withdrawn at least. He seems emotionally distant still. I worry for you that you may be in a bit of a lull, a sense of security, but that he could surprise you again with some negative R talk. Try not to keep your head, its early days! Not to be negative, I just want to say he still seems to be holding all the cards.

Al xxx

[istherehope]

Thanks Julia and Ali,

Ali-he's always been addicted to video games. I think it's been more so since we've been in Ireland as we don't have the same social life we had in the US or London. Yeah I know H isn't totally emotionally present with me yet. He had said in his email that he still needs time to think etc., and that MC would be after the New Year. I'm OK with the distance for now, not loving it of course, but I know it's there. About dinner, it's true he never helped but what is also true is that I never cleaned-anything. So the division of labor was always more than fair I'd say. Yeah pre-bomb (in Ireland I mean) he didn't ask me about my day. I think that he has been depressed since arriving and resented me for talking about my job so much when he was so busy with school and had given up a good job in London for me. So by no means do I think everything is perfect and cozy now. I just think it's improving by baby steps. Some days we stand still, but some days see progress. Last night was a standstill time, but I was drunk and almost backslid so I see it as a success still :). It's true I don't really know what H is thinking. I know only what he shared with me in the email, and at least he said it's nice being together. I believe that if he didn't feel this way still, it would become quickly apparent. I am hyper-attuned to his emotional fluctuations, for better or for worse. I am looking to the actions and mentions of future talk now. We are about to switch to a new ISP and cable provider, and may hire a house cleaner, and these small things indicate some level of security. You are right about H holding the cards. I just am accepting this for the moment, again for better or worse. I see this as the time where I am making those love bank deposits, and it's a gamble, but one with nuch better odds than I've had before :).

Julia-yeah I'll need to keep being positive about the biz trip. What hurt me in a way, but through no fault of H's was the fact that he said he was going to Poland or Portugal but at least he'd never been to Poland. So it took me back to summer and how he never visited and I felt sick.

All-am on my way home now and have been out for about 5 hours. H is spending the day studying, so I was glad to clear out for awhile. I plan to cook dinner tonight, and maybe watch a movie with H. Regardless though, I feel pretty content for the moment. Even though I see what I don't have, what I do have is so much better than before that I am really grateful...

ITH