I was unfaithful #4

[Sanderika]

M,

I agree with Hope4us...In my sitch when my H was in a bad mood it WAS because he was in turmoil over what to do and it was usually because the OW was driving him to make a choice. When he and OW were fighting H was in a somber mood. They fight all the time by the way. H hates fighting and OW is a fighter.

NOW...I am playing the friendship role with H. I have a D looming over my head and I treat H like he was my best friend. I am cordial, friendly, respectful. I treat H like H wants to be treated. I am compassionate to listen to his conversations. I agree with H thoughts and decisions. I offer advice or solutions when I can without confrontation. I create an environment here that H enjoys coming to without fear and strings. I offer food to H. I always have something good to eat and it is irresistable to H. That is a bonus for me. I am trying to get H to see that it is a good place to be. That there is friendship and love and warmth and HOME right here. That H can come back and that the changes are real and that H is wanted and accepted unconditionally right here.

This is taking a painful amount of time. Remember my sitch is 40 months old. My H has been in far away land for 40 months with the same OW. My H is now starting to enjoy me and like me and trust me. 40 MONTHS, M.....OMG !!!! When I say patience and time.....patience and time.....patience and time....I mean it. It requires more than you ever thought you would ever have in a lifetime right now.

Stay on course....I agree with the other posters. Your H is interested in you sexually and I don't think it is just talk. H speaks of it to reaffirm your feelings for him. This is also a time when he needs reaffirmation because H feels so hurt and unwanted by you because of your actions. H needs and yearns to feel wanted by you again. Give H time and patience.

Get your PMA and GAL in check and treat H like a friend, a best friend. You will run into some resistance and he will go through a period where he doesn't trust you or your motives and he will flee. But with persistance and constant friendly and loving attitide and attention of the same sort your H will believe your intentions are positive and good. But again it will take a long time. Don't be afraid of the time, remember time is on your side. You have to learn how to use it wisely and constructively to bring your H around again. Don't ever forget that H is hurting...Start having compassion for him, treat him the way you want H to treat you. At first you will have more days or weeks where it will seem in vain as if it is not helping but rather hurting the sitch. This is where time will pay off. Start thinking about your relationship when it was good and start bringing that back. Take baby steps. Don't rush in on H, he will flee. Slowly and steadily bring him around. I found that getting back to me, before I got depressed is what H missed and wanted to see in me. This is what H sees in me now and he is liking it and is interested. H has always been attracted to me sexually too. I see it in him everytime he looks at me. NOW, that being said, my H is still in his far away land with the OW and doesn't show any signs of really letting that go yet. That is the killer. That is where time and patience and treating him like a best friend have a place and I can't let up for one second. Do you hear this, M?? Don't let up for a second. They are actually waiting for you to slip up real bad. It will only confirm their choice. You don't want that.

That brings me to this.....DO NOT ENTERTAIN THE THOUGHTS OF STARTING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. IF YOU WANT YOUR H BACK, RIDE THIS OUT. YOU HAVING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WILL BE SUICIDE FOR SURE FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE MENTIONED THIS SEVERAL TIMES IN POSTS. IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE TO SURVIVE THIS, DO NOT SEE OTHER MEN. DO NOT GO OUT FOR DINNER WITH ANOTHER MAN. DO NOT HAVE A FLIRTY CONVERSATION WITH ANOTHER MAN. You did the right thing turning down the customer that asked you out. Avoid temptations at all cost. If you step out your H will find out and the second he does you will lose all his trust foreever. Your marriage with him will be over before you can blink.

I am in a bad place with you...When I disappear it is because I can't handle any more and I spend time away to recharge. I have followed your sitch...I am with you as your friend. I want good things for you and your family. I am not an expert but I have experience with the abandonment of a spouse after many years of marriage. I may not always give the right advice, I can only tell how I have handled it. I hope you can retrieve some ideas and come up with a plan that will help you as you move along this very painful long road. I know it appears there is no end, but I have to believe there is and it will bring our H's back to us.

Please take good care of yourself...Your H wants to see this too. He doesn't want to come home to a train wreck. He wants to come home to a luxury cruise. Does that make sense? It's how I see it here and that's what I try to portray. I am not acting. I have been here way too long for that. I am real. Your H will only want to come home to what he sees is real.

Think about it....Come up with a plan.......

Sanderika