email has been sent!! thanks for the encouragement, ba!
I decided to omit the "love". I haven't signed an email to him that way or used that word to him since the bomb.
I can see how you are all eager for me to try something different.... lick his face, rip his pants off, use "love" at the end of an email... I am just afraid that if I "push" him he will just run away. Since he doesn't "owe" me anything and we already barely have any contact (1-2x a month) and we live 987 miles apart I am afraid if I do that he just will stop responding to me.
I dont know if you remember but I long time ago I shared the idea that its like trying to get a puppy to chase you. First you have to get puppies full attention, and then you have to run away laughing and smiling and encouraging him to keep chasing. It might help you not worry that you are pursuing B - when in fact you are just trying to get him to chase you.
Sure, that sounds great. Let me know when you are in town. I leave for the Magic of Christmas [the christmas concerts he does in maine] before the crack of dawn on the 11th, but before then my schedule isn't so busy.
I had a great conversation with C [his youngest brother] this morning and I was trying to brainstorm with him where would be good places to finish out his undergrad degree. [his college] is becoming for him what [b's undergrad college] became for me: a frustrating, non-inspiring, simply "get finished-so-that-I-can-leave" kind of place. I have some ideas, but I know you did extensive research in the area of "cool places to go". Have any helpful thoughts?
Thanks and see you soon! B
I got so flustered. the 10th of december is this coming wednesday!!! I am not even done with finals by then. I probably won't be in NYC until the 17th at the absolute soonest. I can't tell from his email if he'll be in NYC at all this december, after the 11th.
It's interesting that he wants to ask me for advice for his little brother. when I was in high school I applied to *11* colleges and did tons of research about it... and also when I was in college I thought several times about transferring. I'm kind of surprised that B remembers that, he didn't meet me until long after that was all over, and I don't think I talked about it *that* much...
I think I should call him once I calm down and start the conversation by asking more about his brother and what his brother is looking for. Then I can tell him that I'm not planning to be in NYC until after the 18th, will he be back in NYC at some point after the 11th? I could possibly mention that I will be in Boston and on the off chance he might be there. If he's not in NYC at all when I'll be in town, then I can mention that I'll probably be back in NYC in january to play for cello teachers. Damn, I hope he is there in January!
For some reason this is really throwing me for a loop. I guess I was really counting on seeing him this december and now I don't know if it will happen. Even though I've intellectually prepared for this possibility I feel really weird about it. I wish I could see him more than every few months!!!!!!!!
Eagerly awaiting your advice as always...
(((J))) thank you so much for supporting my email!! (((E))) I do remember this analogy but for some reason I have trouble applying it. maybe i need to practice with some puppies...
That is such fantastic news T!! Doesn't it just go to show that he thinks of you and also that he respects you so much. He obviously has a high opinion of you.
I would email him back tomorrow and say that you won't be in NYC till ... because of your finals. It would be great if he was around but if not you may be back in January. You could then say that you would be happy to phone him and discuss the colleges or you could email it to him.
I would wait till tomorrow to get over the feeling of being flustered and make sure you don't come across as over-eager. It may be that you have to see him in January, that doesn't mean you can't phone him in the meantime - he has encouraged you to by asking your opinion on something.
But Yaaaaaay!!! If I was over there I wold be dancing round the kitchen with you!!!
I'm SO PLEASED that B got back to you so quickly- I think it's a good example of something that worked in that you were positive and encouraging with him, and said you'd love to see him and he responded by being warm and similarly open.
Based on that, I'd say call him back, or e-mail, depending on what you feel would be most comfortable. Son't leave it too long- definitely get back to him within 24hrs to continue with the friendly interaction. I think it's important to show him you're pleased to hear from him and would like to continue the interaction, just because you guys don't speak to each other that often....
One thing struck me about a previous post in which you mentioned that people seem keen for you to do something different. I wanted to say that I suggested adding 'Love' at the end because it's the standard way in which I'd sign an e-mail to my H, and pretty much anyone who wasn't a work person. It's a harmless but nice thing to write, and you write it to other people, so why not B, who you actually *do* love?
Another thing that struck me about that post was that maybe you're a bit worried that trying something different will reduce the interaction you have with B? IMHO it's perfectly understandable that trying something different would be scary; after all, the status quo is OK, and we don't want things to get worse. However, what if something different helped things get better? What if B reacted to a bit of phone flirting by flirting himself? Wouldn't that be great? If something doesn't work, you can always *not* do it again. You won't have lost anything, but you could gain. Just my $0.02 for tonight! (Actually, just thinking about that, do you have a plan for how to increase the interactions, or what kinds of baby steps would encourage you to try different things on B? I'd love to see the plan, maybe when you have time after finals!)
I'm really SO HAPPY that B got back to you so quickly and positively.
L. xx (with fingers crossed for the rest of finals, not that you need the help!)
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
Well, I called him and left him a voicemail. It was basically something like, (in a light, friendly, and happy voice):
"Hey B, it's transformer. I would be happy to help your brother C think of places to transfer. I have a couple ideas but it's hard to say which ones I think he'd like without having more information about: why he wants to leave his school, if he wants to be urban/not urban, west coast/east coast, what his financial aid situation is, and everything. but I'd be happy to talk about it with you! Also, I'm not going to be in NY until probably the 18th or something because of my finals and everything, and I might be even *going to graduation*, so are you going to be in NY in december after the 11th? Let me know! Call me! Ok, bye!"
I decided to wait until I hear back from him to mention the possibility of january.
((Julia)) thank you so much for all your ideas! I didn't think of it that way until you pointed it out. I would love to have you dance in my kitchen any time!!
((lisa)) that is a really good point that maybe if I do something different he will do something different for the better as well. I guess I am just scared... from the outside maybe my situation seems "solid", but because contact is so infrequent it feels very touch and go to me. Also everything is moving sooooo slowly it is hard to tell if things are actually moving, or if we're just treading water in a pattern established over the past... 8 (??) months of friendly contact. ????
Quote:
(Actually, just thinking about that, do you have a plan for how to increase the interactions, or what kinds of baby steps would encourage you to try different things on B? I'd love to see the plan, maybe when you have time after finals!)
Lisa, that is also such a good question! I hadn't thought of a plan to increase the interactions or what baby steps to look for from B! thank you for keeping me goal oriented I guess I could try subtle ways of being more "encouraging" ... gentle flirtation when we see each other. I could also try contacting him more frequently. He does seem receptive to my contacts even though sometimes he is slow in responding to them. I feel like I am not "allowed" to contact him much more frequently than I already do, for fear it will push him away.
A few minutes after I walked in the door after finishing my Ear Training Final, Ben called me! We talked for an hour and 18 minutes...?
He sounded a little awkward/nervous when I picked up the phone. I said, "you have great timing! I just walked in the door after finishing my Harmonic Dictation Final!" He sounded like maybe he thought I was being a little sarcastic about him having good timing. (Sometimes I think I'm "too cool" and he gets discouraged??? I probably need to work on that). He said he had just finished something "almost as fun," working on organizing his finances. (Interesting, it's something that he was originally inspired to do pre-bomb by... me!) So that when he went to a tax preparer, he would "look organized" even though he wasn't "actually organized." Then he asked me if it was about 15 degrees outside [that's FAHRENHEIT for you international ladies ] , I laughed and said no, I am so spoiled in atlanta, it is only in the 30s... but we are supposed to get some torrential rain and 40 mph winds later this week! I made a joke about how I didn't know how I'd ever return to the northern lands.
There was a little pause and I said, "so, you got to talk to your brother C about him switching schools?" B started telling me that he thinks his brother, who is in his second year of college, is stalling and getting depressed, feeling really down and also torn about finishing his studies at the university he's currently at. brother C said everyone around him "has an extremely shallow view of religion and life." How brother C's piano teacher is really encouraging and supportive, and has offered to let C move into her [the teacher's] house so he can focus more on his practicing. B said that C's roommate situation is really distracting, apparently one of the roommates is "banging whatever cheerleader that walks in the door." B then told me that he felt that his brother C was going through a similiar crisis to what B went through in college, and he really wanted to show his younger brother that there was a world outside the college he's frustrated with. FYI both brother C's college and B's college are conservative Christian colleges. B said that he wanted his brother "to be able to see people do something completely nuts and get a degree for it." And that if his brother "put his energy toward something he really believed in--he would light a fire and just go."
I asked some clarifying questions to see if I understood where his brother was coming from. B made it clear that it is *B's idea* to encourage his brother to transfer to a different school.
I told him my ideas for schools... and then one by one mentioned different things about each one. One of the schools I thought of is actually a girls' school, that I think has a handful of guys who enroll there, and we joked about how that could be really good for C... even if was a tiny college. B made a joke about how those guys must be working so hard, and I joked back that they wouldn't have any time to do their homework. B asked me to send him a list of the schools.
One particular school, Oberlin, gives students credit for independent projects that they do over winter break. I told B how a friend of mine got credit for doing sleep deprivation experiments on himself, trying to see how many days of sleeplessness he'd need to endure before starting to hallucinate. B started telling me again about the hellish flight home from CA he told me about last week... how he started seeing things out of the corners of his eyes, and would fall asleep and not know how long he'd been asleep, and was unable to focus his eyes when he was trying to talk to people because his eyes were so tired. I almost said, "your beautiful eyes...??" but the moment passed before I could work up the guts to say it.
I guess I could try subtle ways of being more "encouraging" ... gentle flirtation when we see each other. I could also try contacting him more frequently. He does seem receptive to my contacts even though sometimes he is slow in responding to them. I feel like I am not "allowed" to contact him much more frequently than I already do, for fear it will push him away.