Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[C_K]

hang in there .

its whats best for you now. I know it is hard

Dave

[sleeper]

I've probably already blown it.

Everybody get your 2x4's.

X called me and caught me off guard yesterday evening. I could tell something was wrong and she admitted she'd been crying when I asked. She wouldn't tell me why but just kept saying "stupiod stuff." She asked if I would pick up kids and kweep them for a couple of hours s o she could get herself together. I agreed as it fit into my schedule and I was going somewhere I take them all the time and they enjoy.

When I took kids to her later she told me what had happened. She's had insurance problems since the D was final as she was on my insurance while we were married. Immediately following the D she was on cobra with my company but paying twice what I had paid for the entire family to be covered. That company dropped her for a late payment but she found other coverage. Now the new company won't cover the surgery she needs that was incurred while she was on my insurance.

Oh well.

[Andabelle]

NOT YOUR FAULT. Did she blow up and blame you again? If not, maybe it is finally sinking in that she did this to herself. What makes you think you blew it?

[fisherman]

I don't think you blew it. You were there for your kids. Don't beat yourself up for that.

You were right dark is getting a little boring.

[fisherman]

I don't think you blew it. You were there for your kids. Don't beat yourself up for that.

You were right dark is getting a little boring.

[sleeper]

Thanks Andabelle and Trapt.

I didn't think I blew the insurance situation but blew staying dark by helping her. In retrospect it was the right thing to do. She called me right after work today and thanked me for helping her out last night. She went on that she needs help tomorrow but my help has been so "incredible" the past few weeks she hated to ask. She also said she would call OM and see if he could help her tomorrow and would let me know.(that's a switch)

I haven't beat myself up too bad on this one.

Some baby steps I noticed out of this:

1. I wasn't blamed for the insurance problem.
2. She didn't respond angrily to me in general.
3. She is sensitive to my time/efforts (before I was obliged to serve).
4. She's willing to inconvience OM so as not to inconvience me.
5. This is the first time she has compared (whether she realizes it or not) me to OM as substitutes for one of her needs.

To date four people have told me the Xmas lights OM put on the business look like cr@p.

Never send a boy to do a man's work. Especially if that obviously manly man (ugh, ugh, fart, spit) is in touch with his creative, artistic side.

"OMG what were you NOT thinking?!?! There is no theme whatsoever here! All these multicolored lights chasing each other around and around, where do you think they are going? NOWHERE! That's because this concept came from NOWHERE! We're supposed to be decking the halls, not chasing multicolored balls! It all needs to go back. Back, Back! BACK! Somebody get me a ladder. And while you're at it, get me a mocca latte and a mydol. No, make it two mydols. Just looking at this hurts me more than my last two boyfriends ever did. I swear, you give some people a ladder and they think they're Michangelo." (read with a heavy lisp and as much swish as possible)

[forward]

Sleeper, If your plan is to try to be dark, you need to do it consistently. So I'm trying to chew you out a little.

Your situation seems like one of the more challenging ones on these boards so it is hard to konw what to suggest.

[sleeper]

I think I realized what I need to do today, Breton. It's the strategy I had from the beginning but deviated from due to my reaction (not response) to X's actions.

I have let myself get hurt from time to time and that's when I entertain the idea of going "dark." You are right when you say dark is for "yourself" but it is counterproductive to my goal. X gets angry when I go dark. Is that what I want? No. It reminds me of the bible axiom that goes something like, you must die to self to save yourself.

The more I help X and am kind to her the closer she grows to me. Convntional wisdom and all of my friends/our acquaintences say I'm a fool but that is what works.

X is like an abused stray (sadly this makes sense because she has been abused so much in her life). She expects me to react selfishly and hurt her. That's why things were so bad in the beginning. She expected me to do every dirty thing I could to her including taking the children from her and taking her to the cleaners financially. Things I did like angrily lashing out and getting my own L validated her negative expectations.

That's why I have "blown her away" (her words) several times in this as I have merely done what came naturally, actions that did not hurt her or the kids and helped us both. She expected me to act totally selfishly.

Somehow at bomb I became a father figure to her which in her case is a very bad thing. She actually called me "daddy" when she had her "breakdown" (her words) and dropped the bomb. OM is just a means to an end. She is using him as a vehicle to do all of the things she wanted to do but was kept from doing in her life (being free). That's why she nodded in agreement while sedated from her surgery and I told her, "I know OM is as disposable as a disposable lighter."

As she has done what she felt necessary for herself at same time she has tested me. I told the C it was as if she was testing to see how far I would let her go in the beginning. He agreed. Am I really committed to her? Will I take advantage of her if given the opportunity? Will I be there for her no matter what? Do I truly love her?

I actually had a dream in the beginning that I left her and OM at a party to go home alone knowing I had failed her, but also knowing she would eventually come home to me (the C slapped himself on the forehead).

I've made many mistakes along the way but I'm beginning to think I may have passed the test. She is relying on me more and more. She now goes out of her way to thank me for things I do for her. She confides in me. She compliments me on my appearance. I think I may be becoming the "OM" as she hides our contact from "the" OM.

My biggest challenge now is mastering myself. I must control my jealousy (the reason I occasionally feel the need to go dark/dim). I must be consistant (she has had very little in her life).

I'm like a runner who has stumbled a couple of times and thought he was out of breath but now sees the finish line.

I can make this last hundred yards on drive alone.

When I was younger I was a runner.

[sleeper]

So here's a new one.

X had DD call me this afternoon. DD invited me to eat dinner with X, her and her brother. I declined explaining to DD that I had eaten a late lunch and had stuff to do. As I was explaining this to DD X came on the phone and I declined to her for the same reasons. X and I worked out a swap time.

X called me later. She asked me questions about the economy and we talked for a while.

When I picked up kids I found out OM is out of town. I flirted with her a little, got kids and left.

[Purr]

Sleeper,

You've always been really good at holding the long view on this. I guess it's easier to see the big picture and longer term possibilities when you have the clarity that you identified about your feelings for her and the kind of commitment you want to make. I really admire your ability to do that. And your humour, I have always appreciated that too.

I used to run too!