I haven't seen your sitch yet, JCJ, but I'm on the way now. We are about the same age as well. I'm 26, and my H is 27.
I feel very lucky to have foudn DBing early. I'm trying to relegate myself to the length of time this is going to take, and hopefully things will work out. Either way, at least I'll be doing something.
I'm so sorry you had to go 6 long months before finding DB. Those months must have been ever worse, but I'm glad you're here.
It really does suck to be walking on eggshells, but in the end I have to admit that he was probably doing the same with me for much longer. In the end, it's probably only fair.
If life was, why would we bother, you know?
As far as the DBing principles are, here is where I am so far:
Not sure what works yet. So far, not pursuing seems to be working well, but it's really too early and only time will tell. I'm sure I'll have a better idea when I see my H tomorrow.
As far as what first attracted my husband, it's hard to say as we were much, much younger. Not sure that what attracted him to my 15 year old self is what kept him around or what he ended up loving, but here's a few notes on those days:
1. I was a challenge. He had to pursue me for sure. 2. I was "exotic" as he used to say. We went to a fairly rural high school outside of Savannah, and I was certainly the only Sri Lankan-Hungarian girl at school. He and I were the only "Asians" there at the time. I came from a metropolitan area (Chicago), and I bellydanced and wore a bindi and was definitely different from every other girl at that school. 3. I was smart, and I wasn't easily impressed by a few poems and platitudes. He'd write all the girls these poems, and I was the only one who could beat him at his own game. 4. I was loyal and committed. I wasn't the type to run from guy to guy. 5. He got to defend me a good deal. 6. He was more adult than me back in those days. 7. His family loved me, and I was a "good girl". 8. I was interesting, unpredictable, and outside of the box.
What put him off for the two days he came back? Well, here's what I did:
1. Tried to reason with him about the R, especially in terms of talking about my logic and POV. 2. Tried to give him advice about the R and about himself. 3. I did some AOS for him - and I think that's his LL - but I did them expecting a particular response and sulked when I didn't get exactly that response. I did those things grudgingly, and he knew it. 4. Pushed him to talk about the R and out problems. Wanted an immediate resolutiona nd wouldn't give him space. 5. Was sad all the time. Didn't go to work and sulked around constantly. 6. Didn't allow myself to have normal conversations with him. He kept asking me about this idiot that I work with because we laugh about this guy all the time, but I was too busy sulking to have a normal conversation. 7. Didn't allow him to set the pace or tone of our interactions.
After he left the second time, I made the mistake of emailing, calling, and texting way too much. I tried to get him to spend time with me before he was ready. I told him about the changes in myself and was clingy.
All in all, a lot of mistakes. In some ways, I'm glad that I've continued to confuse him. I got him thinking, and I at least made it clear that I'm willing to try. Now, I just have to back off and wait to see what happens.
I'm excited about GAL. I had a life, but I was slacking in many areas; I'd become very complacent and was depending on him for lots of things because of laziness. I'm feeling good and doing ok on the goals, so hopefully I won't fall off the happiness wagon too many times.
Thanks for the support, JCJ, and take care! Thanks for checking on me.
We are about the same age as well. I'm 26, and my H is 27.
