Have you made an appointment w/ a lawyer or solicitor yet? He's moving so fast on financial things, as Ali said. I would really go to see one soon, so you know where you stand. And or contact your morgage company to get this house info for yourself & not just take your H's word. What he thinks is ok & sounds good may not be your view.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
that is scary about the light???!!!! I'm glad you were able to go to another place where you feel safe.
I would NOT cancel in order to meet with H. You have an excellent reason not to. Don't miss out on something that is precious to you.
I would not include any explanation of why you aren't available. First you don't need to give an excuse; Second it is more mysterious.
I would just write,
'Hiya, sorry I didn't reply yesterday my phone ran out of battery. I am free most of the weekend and Monday and Wednesday night. Do any of those suit? Let me know which you can make. I dont feel comfortable signing the form until we've had chance to discuss the implications.
Thanks J
If you feel the need to "cushion" it say something about the cat or what you did today but you don't need to give him any excuses or details about your plans. If you don't feel the need to cushion it either that is OK too, because he is pushing you to take care of "business", you can respond in a very businesslike way. It might even be a good 180.
I have been following your sitch and would like to add my 0.02c about your email.
Quote:
[I don't mind at all if you did but /quote]
Your space , you should mind. He has no right to come and go in your space. get your keys back. Action Action Action
[quote] I will have to take some further precautions or at least investigate further. Nothing was stolen of moved as far as I can see but it was freaky to come home to and has left me feeling quite unsettled in the house without a logical explanation.
I have meetings all day today and then in the evening I am seeing E and this is the only chance I will get as you know I only see her once a year. She is off to Mexico for a while after tomorrow.
Way to much info. tell him nothing. why should he be privy to anything going on in your life !
Quote:
I am free most of the weekend and Monday and Wednesday night. Do any of those suit?
What a loser that makes you sound. Way to much info for him. how attractive do you sound. NEEDY NEEDY NEEDY.
You should tell him when you want to meet!
sorry I am in the same pain as you . i know it os hard. We all want what we cant have.
Thank you so much for your help! Mof3 thank you for following and posting it's nice to see you. I'll have a read of your sitch.
I took all of your advice and sent a text this morning saying
'Hiya, sorry I didn't reply yesterday my phone ran out of battery. I am free Monday of Wednesday night. Do either of those suit? I don't feel comfortable signing the form until we've had a chance to discuss the implications. Thanks'
I just feel pressured all of a sudden from yesterday. Like it was just assumed it was all going to be ok. He sent through the form which I received in the postthis morning, no covering note or anything - it was just shoved in an envelope. I know, he doesn't owe me anything etc but it is a little abrupt?? On the plus side I suppose he does at least write my married surname on the envelope.
I have a horrible cold at the moment. I am going to get some stuff to dose me up and try and shake it off. I got hardly any sleep last night because of the texts during the day and the light thing. I try not to let the text thing stress me but the light freaked me totally just before I went to bed. Not good.
I don't know what I would do without you all, thank you!
A big hug to you! Good job on the text, I think it was perfect. Just remember when you meet him you don't have to agree to ANYTHING and you can take AS MUCH TIME AS YOU WANT. the ball is in your court!
I hope that tonight you get a really good night's sleep--will you stay at your parents again or go home? and that you can curl up with a warm beverage to soothe your cold!!!
Hi Julia Thinking of you. Him not sending a note with the from has nothing to do with you - and everything to do with his own guilt and not being mature enough to deal with the situation.
Are you likely to be talked into something that isnt good for you financially when you meet up with H? If so I really recommend asking someone (preferably male older family member) to be with you for this catch up with H. More awkward with a third person there, but good to be prepared for the absolute worst and to have someone else looking after your interests.
P.S Stay away from lovely men with cute NZ accents! I married one! (Although surely they cant all be bad!) If you come as far as NZ you have to come and visit me!
There is no chance I will be pushed into something I don't want. I think if I have my brother there with me it will scare him off, plus I am strong enough to do this by myself, although I feel sick and nervous at the thought. He seems so shut off again. I got a text this morning saying
'I could do Monday straight after work? There aren't really any implications of the payment holiday, other than we wouldn't have to pay any mortgage in that time and hopefully the house would be sold by then.'
I wrote back and said 'Monday it is. 5.30ish, you can choose the venue or there are some pubs in M (near my work)'.
Ok, so I need to set some goals for the meeting. I am rubbish at goal setting. He clearly has this all mapped out in his head and is getting a bit arsey because I am not agreeing straight away to what he sees is right.
This is actually a complete role reversal because I used to decide what was right and then get annoyed with him if he didn't agree and couldn't see any other point of view. I know I wouldn't have backed down previous to my pre DBing self. Where I couldn't see others points of view were valide.
I am not sure how to start this/ approach it.
I don't want the mortgage break because it means that the interest will come out of the equity and it also means I have to stay here another 8 months. I also doubt that it would sell within 8 months.
I would like to rent out the house till the economy stabablises a bit.
I feel a bit bullied and pushed into things. I'm sure that is not his intention but he seems so distant and shut off at the moment. Does anyone have any ideas to engage him or should I just not try to engage him, make him work for it in some way - am I in a position to do that? I thought I would just take a 'this is business' attitude. But if he suggests a payment break and I basically say no then that is not validating.
Sigh, I am ill in bed. I don't need this.
BTW - I am going to make sure I look the best I can. I have a new top which is flattering and some new tight black jeans which seem to be getting me some attention. You can't see here but it has some lace by the boob area and is great for the cleavage
Hey Julia, I'm so sorry you are ill, thank goodness he didnt want to meet up on the weekend!
I agree his text sounds annoyed (if you can tell from a text!) and I agree that is probably becuase you didnt just say, ok then, and sign the form. So he said this.. "There aren't really any implications of the payment holiday, other than we wouldn't have to pay any mortgage in that time"
Ok, true, there arent implications, he is right. As for you saying you dont want to do take the holiday, becuase it will come out of the eqyuity.. well, theres nothing to stop you still paying your portion of the INTEREST (as they dont give you a holiday from teh capital?? Unless you have an interest only mortgage anyway) into a separate account, as though you are still paying your half of the mortgage as normal. Then the money you get back will be the same when you sell, although its swings and rohndabouts hey. If he wants a payment holiday, then yes, his half of the equity would be reduced by his half of the unpaid interest, but that wouldnt effect you. If you get my drift!
So I dont see that its a valid argument to him as why you dont want to do it.. I think he wont agree.
.. I cant believe he said "hopefully the house would be sold by then." ..!!!
..Yes he's mad. You said its unlikely to sell, there are unsold houses in your street. Unless you have something that people are really looking for, near a good school for example, or you are prepared to sell it at a totally cut down price, I dont imagine you will sell within 8 months. The period Dec - Mar is usually slow anyway and this is the worst economic conditions for years. Is he insane!? I guess he wants to shed the responsibility of it? Can you buy him out?
..I like your other idea - to rent out the house and move out until the market changes. Are you armed with info for your meeting on rental income versus mortgage payments? I wonder what he would say though to the idea.. so, we take a mortgage holiday and the house STILL doesnt sell by next summer.. then what??
The top is nice! I agree you want to look good. At least you will get to see him at last.. are you nervous??
You said "should I just not try to engage him, make him work for it in some way - am I in a position to do that? " - No, I dont think you are anymore Julia, hes kind of emotionally not available I think. I would be accepting, be his friend? Keep it light, neutral? I did that for 3 1/2 hours and then lost it at the last hurdle and got upset (hey ho, I'm only human!) so who am I to advise!! Ask Lisa about how to act :-)
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
