. You know he said something interesting the other day...about how good he's been trying to be...and that he thinks he's done really well with the cancer treatment and handling it. Which is true. But it makes me think...how much is the guy working just to maintain all the time? I think he must be constantly "trying" to keep it together...so it's not surprising that he blows sometimes. Just thinking out loud . .
I'm glad he at least apologized rather quickly.
He does sound like someone who tries really hard to keep it together. And yes, that is a set-up to blow.
I've been thinking about the whole "negativity" thing. If I remember this right, his dad jumped on him at dinner for complaining about something about his job. When H sent the email to you about changing he said something like he needed to eliminate his negative side. And H gets mad at you for being negative about the football game in the bar last weekend. It sounds like in his family there was no room to have anything but a positive emotion. Only the parents could be negative and complain. That's just not human. Can he accept being human?
Thinking in Stosny terms now, I wonder if your H feels disregarded in some way when the house isn't perfect, like if he mattered to you then things would be a certain way when he gets home. But then, it is up to HIM to regulate his feelings and to speak with you privately and respectfully about any issues he may have.
. You know he said something interesting the other day...about how good he's been trying to be...and that he thinks he's done really well with the cancer treatment and handling it. Which is true. But it makes me think...how much is the guy working just to maintain all the time? I think he must be constantly "trying" to keep it together...so it's not surprising that he blows sometimes. Just thinking out loud . .
What if H quit tyring to "handle it" in regards to the treatment. I mean, hell he's gotta let it out already. Seems like all he's doing is channeling his pain toward you and the kids.
Yeah. So. I went to IC yesterday which was incredibly helpful. Had like the mother of epiphanies driving home. Today I feel fresher. Have been doing a lot more reading on narcissism and "voicelessness" and how people like me are driven by one group of narcissists to finding validation by another one. FANTASTIC. So anyway, "healthy validation" is the new name of the game...along with detachment.
Detach detach detach...detach some more.
H is coming down off his pain pills he's been on for a month (that he really needed) but it brings back the sandpaper underwear. It's too trivial to even go into...he thinks he's irritable from some of his pain, but I think it's the drugs.
And today...yes...today is his last dose of Paxil. I am filled with Christmas joy about that. Detach.
Tonight we are going to decorate the Christmas tree...and hopefully enjoy it. I am going to. I will at least look at it as a scientific experiment in detachment.
I think I had a real "moment" last night, he was as usual, vascillating around about what he wanted to eat, or could eat...and suddenly in an instant...I just didn't care. I stopped making suggestions for him to shoot down, I stopped trying to help him. It's a ridiculous game. He can do what he wants, it's not my job to make him happy when he won't be happy. I felt very peaceful. He asks for help and then refuses help and it's extremely frustrating. If I let it be.
Okay, so time for some punk rock for those who partake...;P I actually feel a lot of compassion for my H...detachment doesn't mean I don't. In fact, it's good now. I know what his parents did to him...that's what this song is about...now he wants me to think I'M crazy. But we'll get over it.
So we decided that it would be in you're best interest if we put you somewhere where you could get the help that you need." And I go "wait, what are you talking about, WE decided? MY best interests? How do you know what MY best interest is? How can you say what MY best interest is? What are you trying to say? I'M crazy? When I went to YOUR schools, I went to YOUR churches, I went to YOUR institutional learning facilities. So how can you say I'M crazy?"
It sounds like in his family there was no room to have anything but a positive emotion. Only the parents could be negative and complain. That's just not human. Can he accept being human?
It's not human. They are these nice, friendly, "loving," inhuman people. They give no "voice."
We love you so much, but nothing you say matters and your feelings don't matter, and you just shouldn't feel that way then. We want to take you to Mexico because we're such great parents...but we can't pay you for taking an hour a day off to get RADIATION TREATMENT. But, there isn't anything, anything, we wouldn't do for you!!! We took you to Mexico!!! But I'm going to Branson for a week after your cancer surgery so I can't help with the kids. But I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I MISS THE KIDS. OH how I WISH I had gotten to take them to Six Flags...I love you!!!
I think your family and my family have vacationed together in Mexico. "Can I help? Oh, sorry, not that week, I have more important things to do, but I'll help you in any way I can..." Sounds like IC was helpful. So...what are your plans to GAL this weekend? As much fun as it was last weekend, I don't think I can handle going dancing again any time soon. Here along the Willamette River, during Christmas folks decorate their boats and cruise the river each night. It's a fantastic show, but very cold, unless you are having dinner on the water. I may go check out the boats tonight. Good for PMA. Bad for frostbitten extremities. On the advice of my IC, I'm going to invite a girlfriend to a movie. No D/R/M talk, just a movie. For FUN. Keep up the good work, honey. Peace.
I don't know about GAL yet. I need to get my a$$ in gear and get things ready for a fun Christmas evening at home. H just emailed me and said the doc is putting him on Vicodin now. SO that's good and bad. But good for now. And he has a thrush infection so they are treating that and he should be better soon, which means less irritability. I, of course, told him I thought he had a thrush infection last weekend. What. Ever. LOL.
I'm gonna blow this taco stand and go have some fun. Have a great weekend goldey. Hugs!
We love you so much, but nothing you say matters and your feelings don't matter, and you just shouldn't feel that way then. We want to take you to Mexico because we're such great parents...but we can't pay you for taking an hour a day off to get RADIATION TREATMENT. But, there isn't anything, anything, we wouldn't do for you!!! We took you to Mexico!!! But I'm going to Branson for a week after your cancer surgery so I can't help with the kids. But I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I MISS THE KIDS. OH how I WISH I had gotten to take them to Six Flags...I love you!!!
Yuk. Their words say "I love you" but their actions say otherwise.
