Today is a good day so far. I slept well, got some things done last night, and I altogether feel much more like myself. Driving to work this morning, I felt like I was coming out of the fog a bit. I remembered all the reasons that I love me, and that I'm fabulous. It's not that I don't need to do a lot of work and growing - everyone does - but today I remembered to appreciate myself for who I am. It feels good. I love him for who he is, and I'm feeling like I really love me for who I am.
I reminded myself that he's been with those "simple" girls before. But the truth is, I was the only one that could hold his attention. I was the only one that inspired him, that pushed him to be a better person, that expected him to be on the same level instead of trying to meet him at his. He didn't love me because I was easy to be with. He loved me because I am strong. I know what I want. I know who I am. I know my potential, and I've never given up on believing that I will be an important person one day. I'm eccentric and unpredictable. I'm funny and witty. I'm smart and talented, and I take responsibility instead of running. I'm wise beyond my years, and I'm nothign if not observant. I'm tolerent and objective, and I'm not afraid of diversity in all aspects of life. I don't conform, and I can handle anything. I'm kind even though I pretent to be cold, and I'm compassionate. I forgive easily, and I bounce back from pain fairly quickly. I demand respect, and I excel in everything I do because I will not accept anything but the best from myself - and for myself. I am exotic and tempting. I am a mystery as much as I am an open book. I'm from two different ethnic backgrounds just like him, and so I understand standing between two worlds. I am a chameleon in many ways.
And I'm really damn beautiful. Forget the fact that I can stand to lose some weight. Who cares? Forget that the OW is thin and All-American -at least I'm fairly sure of that (ok, I'm guessing, but whatever). He dated several of those types - skinny, the girl next door, same socio-economic background, good Southern girls, etc. Nothing wrong with those things, BTW, but I am not any of those things, and I don't feel bad about it. I don't stroke his ego. I push him ahead because I always believe he can be even more. Now, sure, I could do to stroke his ego a good deal more, but at least I've never told him it was acceptable to settle.
Why did he stay with me for so long? Why did he love me despite the fact that I am different from the type of woman that he thought he'd grow up and marry? Why did he want me so bad even though I wasn't kissing his a$$ and nurturing him all the time?
Come to think of it, his mother wasn't nurturing at all. And she wasn't All-American (she was Filipina). She was tough on him, and she didn't take any crap from him - but he loves her immensely, and when she died, he never stopped regretting her loss and regretting the time he'd spent upset with her.
There's a reason there. He may not realize it right now, but the truth is that he will get bored eventually. He will miss being challenged. He will miss me.
Sure, we're different in many ways. But being something other than myself isn't going to get me anywhere.
And yes, I need to work on alot of things. I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable, and I need to break down my protective walls in many ways. I need to do a better job of not comparing myself to others, and I need to feel less like I need to outshine others to feel good about myself. I need to allow myself to take better care of myself and other people - a huge weakness is that I expect a lot of basic things to be done for me because they always have been, things like the laundry, mowing the yard, etc. I need to stop being lazy and squash the idea that all of my non-work time is for my pleasure alone. I need allow myself to be ok with the fact that yeah, I want kids, and yeah, I actually do believe in God. I need to do a better job of listening and showing interest in topics outside of my realm. I need to constantly remind myself that one gives respect to get respect, and I need to look in the mirror every day and tell myself that the only person that sees my size as an issue is me.
Anyways, I'm going on and on. I feel good today. I feel strong.
I feel like no matter what happens, I'll learn something, and I'll end up ok.
I love him, and I love me just as much.
~Nas, crossing her fingers to keep on this PMA path
