I appreciate you sharing your story. The advice given back to you from other members has been helpful to me in my situation as well. I too have made the mistake of confiding in my bil and mil. I feel exposed now because once spoken, words are never forgotten. I just posted my story last night and wanted you to know reading your post before I signed up encouraged me to put myself on the table as well.
WOW LHS! You are really losing a lot of weight! That's great! Hopefully your H has noticed this and will be made to question his choices even more!
Just a quick recap of my W's weight sitch: My W was about 180 when I met her and I thought she looked great! Of course, she did not think so and was always kind of hiding, not wanting to go out and stuff, wearing black loose cloting, etc... I have always told her that I think she looks good, trying to pick out clothing for her that would make her look good. However, during the time I was depressed (~2 yrs up to fall 2007), I don't think I said these things that much at all. She has consistently stated that she wants to lose weight, but with having twins and the housework that comes with that, she gained weight and was around 215 at her heaviest. We have done some dieting together, because I wanted to lose weight also, but it never was successful. When she told me that she wanted to lose weight, I told her that that was a good idea, but that she does not need to do that for me. I know this sounds like I am just saying this in hindsight, but it's the honest truth: I loved her the way she was when we met, when she was heaviest, now... I told her that what I want most from her is to be happy with herself! She had always wanted another tattoo, so I thought that I would give her an incentive to achieve her goal (that she set at 160) and told her I would pay for her next tattoo when she achieved that. During my depressed period, I'm sure I wasn't as confirming of my love as before, and that is when she was heaviest.
Then she started taking a migraine medication that causes you to lose appetite and that's when she really started losing weight. She got to 160 last Dec (so after the "bomb") and I paid for her to get a nice tattoo in Jan. By late summer she got to 136 !! and that's where she still is at. So her weight is stable since about July/August. She still keeps me up to date on what her weight is, without me asking anything. For the past year, I have been telling her again on a regular basis how good she looks, and she still brushes it off most of the time (with a "I'm ok" response, like she used to when she was heavier), but the last couple of months, sometimes I get a "thanks!" (mostly with sort of an embarrassed look on her face). Thanks is all I ever needed her to say, like she knows I mean it. She used to always tell me that I HAD to say that because she is my wife, like I don't mean it.... Then she lost all that weight, I got out of my depressed state and started telling her again that she looked good, and I think she took it as confirmation that I WAS just saying it before and ONLY NOW I really mean it. This is the recurring thing in her head (and she has told me this, last time was a while ago tho, maybe June?). In her words: "I know you told me that you were depressed before and didn't give me much attention because of that, but to me it's just a strange coincidence that now that I have lost weight, you give me a LOT of attention!". Earlier in the year, during our R talks, I have told her time and time again that I have always loved her very much and that my depression was work-related. I did feel a little neglected because she started spending a lot of time working on her business she was starting (Spring/Summer 2007), but that was not the root cause of my depression I believe.
As far as her art and work, I have always been impressed with them and I have been, and still am complimenting her about those things. She seeks my opinion on most of her work even now and I tell her, which I am pretty sure she appreciates, because it looks GREAT all the time. As far as her weight, she will tell me what size pants she's wearing on a regular basis. On Thanksgiving day, she wants to show me the tag on her jeans (which is in the back, inside the waist) so that I can see that they are size 6 and she lifts her shirt a little and pulls out the waist so I can see the tag. She stood with her back to me and I did not know what she was trying to do and so I look down and say: "Yes... very nice... very sexy!", she did what she usually does and ignored that and acts a little embarrassed and says to look at the tag, that it's a size 6! To that I said that's great!
All of this makes me think that she still doesn't know what to do with the "guy" attention (not just from me, I'm sure), it might still be overwhelming to her? But she does still seek out my words of affirmation (both in her work achievements as well as her looks). With those actions, would she be trying to see if I am still consistent and trying to convince herself that my words are genuine? Could the "thanks" responses be an indication that she's starting to realize that maybe I was being honest before with my compliments about her looks?
WOW LHS! You are really losing a lot of weight! That's great! Hopefully your H has noticed this and will be made to question his choices even more!
Thanks Sam!
He's noticed, but I don't know if it's making him question anything. OW is still significantly thinner than I am, so I don't think it plays a role right now. I did wear something a bit more, how shall I say this, "form-fitting" than I usually do on Thanksgiving (something that showed off "the girls", if you catch my drift), and for the first time in a long time, he said I looked nice. Now, I don't know if that's just because it was a holiday and he was just trying to be nice, but I'll take what I can get.
Right now most of my clothes "hang" on me, because I'm not willing to spend a lot of money on clothes that I hope will be too big on me soon, but I have had to buy three new (increasingly smaller) pairs of jeans just so that I had a pair of pants that fit! Pretty much everything is too big, so I think that is actually hiding to a certain degree how much weight I have lost. When I actually do get some better-fitting clothes, I'm sure he will take more notice.
Actually, I kind of like the idea of seeing him one day and finally wearing some clothes that show off my new body! I'd love to see a look of shock on his face! I'm only 30 pounds away from where we were when we got married. I know that sounds ridiculous, ONLY 30 pounds! But considering that I have lost 33 pounds in the last 2 months, it doesn't seem like that much to me right now. I figure by Easter, I could look even better than I did the day we got married! And if he still doesn't want me, then I am sure SOMEONE will!
From a guy's point of view, how much of an influence on your feelings for a woman is her weight? Especially in my sitch, being so heavy to begin with? Oh, and considering that H has actually told me that my weight is an issue for him? (Don't worry, I'm losing the weight for ME, not for him. This is something I have needed to do for a long time, and for health reasons as well, high-cholesterol and pre-diabetes issues).
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
All of this makes me think that she still doesn't know what to do with the "guy" attention (not just from me, I'm sure), it might still be overwhelming to her? But she does still seek out my words of affirmation (both in her work achievements as well as her looks). With those actions, would she be trying to see if I am still consistent and trying to convince herself that my words are genuine? Could the "thanks" responses be an indication that she's starting to realize that maybe I was being honest before with my compliments about her looks?
Could be that she's trying to see if you're consistent. It seems like she wants you to know how much weight she's lost, since she keeps telling you her weight and she wants you to know what size she is wearing. Keep complimenting her when she does that, and even when she doesn't. When I tell my H about something like that, it's because I'm proud of myself and I want him to notice my accomplishment. I want him to be proud of me, too. I don't know if that's how your wife feels, I can't read her mind (neither can you), but I might venture to guess it is.
As far as not knowing how to handle guy attention, I can only say that for myself, I don't even know what that is anymore! So, if I found myself in the position of having guys take notice of me, I certainly would not know how to handle it. I'd have to re-learn that whole "scene".
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
She went from a size 16-18 to a size 4 in this period and suddenly found herself attractive to other men for the first time in her life.
One thing led to another, she hooked up with an OM from her work, and here I am now. I think it no coincidence that our trouble began once she completed her weight loss.
I admit I am a bit bitter about this fact.
This sounds pretty much like my sitch, just without the OM. I think she might have been toying with the idea of a EA in the spring/early summer (before she moved out). We had lunch together one day and she told me that a (married!) girlfriend she went out with was meeting another guy and that he seemed more interested in her than in her girlfriend and then he called her a couple of times. The girlfriend got really mad at my W a couple of weeks after that and they are no longer friends. My W said that she needed to tell me all of this to get it off her chest and she wanted me to know about all of this. She also said that she kept thinking what a wonderful friend he would be for me (same interests and everything). He has, since then, met another woman and has a relationship with her. Both him and his girlfriend are still in touch with my W and I met them at the art show that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. I have to agree with my W that he would be a wonderful friend for me. I do trust what my W has been saying about this situation, 99% sure that nothing went on, but I do think that she might have been tempted because he was such a nice guy. After I met them at the art show, she asked me: Aren't they nice! Wouldn't it be nice to hang out with them? She then told me that if I see a bunch of texts to certain numbers on the phone bill, it's probably them. They are the couple that she wants to go out with together with me.
Even though he is now unavailable, maybe this is still playing some role? Thinking back, she did move out after she met him and she's still in touch with him and his girlfriend. Just don't want to dwell on this as there's nothing I can do about it, but I would like to understand how this could be affecting my sitch.
Tread lightly here, Sam. If it were me, I wouldn't be trying to get all of you together or encouraging hanging out with them, even as couples. If your wife WAS ever tempted by him, you're running a risk here. I mean, it could happen with ANY couple you guys spend time with, but why allow a situation where there might already be an attraction there, either your wife's attraction to him, or his attraction to her?
Trust your gut here. You admitted you aren't quite 100% sure nothing happened; you said 99%, leaving the door open for doubt, no matter how small the crack. Even though this other guy now has a girlfriend, that doesn't mean a whole lot. And I'm wondering why his girlfriend tolerates another woman texting her boyfriend? And how good of friends was your wife with the friend who is no longer talking to her because of this guy? If your W didn't care anything about this guy, why was she willing to lose a friend over him? I would think that if she didn't care one way or the other about this guy, she would have just told him to get lost, and she would still have the friend. And I hate to say this, but sometimes people tell a partial truth in order to gauge what someone's reaction to something is going to be, or just to create a plausible reason for something they know someone is going to question (and that they know is wrong, like all the texting?).
Sam, I'm sorry to be saying all of this. Maybe it's just because I always tend to think the worst, or maybe it's because my H had an affair, still is having it, and I think I've heard it all. But it sounds like you're worried about this, and frankly, I think you should be. It all sounds a little fishy to me. Hopefully, someone else can come around with a different perspective and set your mind at ease instead of making you feel worse like I have probably done.
But I always appreciate it when people here give me their honest opinion. It doesn't help to bury your head in the sand. It might be easier for a while, but it always come back to bite you in the a$$.
Feel free to argue with me, tell me to go to he!!, or present more facts that might change my mind. I really do hope and pray that there is nothing more going on than what your W has told you.
I'll keep checking back in with you Sam. I hope you can do the same for me!
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
From a guy's point of view, how much of an influence on your feelings for a woman is her weight? Especially in my sitch, being so heavy to begin with? Oh, and considering that H has actually told me that my weight is an issue for him?
I would like to say that it has no influence, but if I am 100% honest, I would have to say that it has some influence. For me, I can honestly say that how a woman feels about her own weight is much more important than the weight itself. Of course, if someone weighs 400lbs it's a little different, but within the kind of weights we were mentioning previously, I think this is true. If a woman feels good about herself, it shows and that's attractive. I can also say with certainty that very skinny is not attractive to me at all. I always told my W that I need some CURVES! And that is the honest truth! I was attracted to my W when she was 215 and I am attracted to her now that she's 136. I will admit that she looks better now than before, but a large part of that is that she feels better about herself and makes an effort to dress nicely every day. However, the most important influence to me is the way a person makes me feel. My W and I just got along so good and made each other feel good, THAT's the most important influence on my feelings.
Having said that, that is me, some guys seem to have more issues with weight. On the upside, if your H is one of those guys, and you are losing a lot of weight, then that it is bound to have a big impact on his feelings for you! In any case, your own health has to come first and losing weight for you will make you feel better about yourself, which will show itself without you even trying and any guy will pick up on that!
Originally Posted By: lovehimso
And if he still doesn't want me, then I am sure SOMEONE will!
That's RIGHT! I, myself have lost over 40lbs since last year October, so I am feeling pretty good about myself also. I want to get under 200, that would be good, so 15 more pounds. I hope that women will pick up on that confidence also! I do notice that I am getting a little more attention from the women at the office actually, it works wonders for my PMA!
And I'm wondering why his girlfriend tolerates another woman texting her boyfriend? And how good of friends was your wife with the friend who is no longer talking to her because of this guy? If your W didn't care anything about this guy, why was she willing to lose a friend over him? I would think that if she didn't care one way or the other about this guy, she would have just told him to get lost, and she would still have the friend. ..... I'll keep checking back in with you Sam. I hope you can do the same for me!
Well, she texts the girlfriend also, they had lunch together a couple of times... It does feel a little weird to me I have to admit. As far as my W's girlfiend is concerned, she wasn't friends with her that long before this happened, maybe 6 months. It's when they started going out together that she noticed that all the girlfriend was trying to do is flirt with other guys when she was trying to have a nice time with a friend. My W said that all she was good for when she went out with her was an alibi to her H and that she was sick of it (her words exactly). Other women my W knows and also know this girlfriend said she did the same to them and that's why they don't want to have to do anything with her anymore. The girlfriend situation does make sense to me, I am just not 100% sure about the sitch with the guy and his GF, although when I met him, he did seem to be very committed to his GF... So who knows...
If a woman feels good about herself, it shows and that's attractive.
I agree with this statement. One of the big reasons I was reluctant to have sex with my H was because I felt so bad about how I looked. I know men are visual creatures and I thought my husband would be repulsed by me. Especially since we hadn't ML in a long time, and I had gained a lot of weight since the last time we did, I was really scared that if we did try to be intimate, once the clothes started to come off, he would be turned off, maybe even to the point of not being able to perform. I just didn't want to take that risk.
And now that he has confirmed that my weight was an issue for him, I don't feel like I was crazy to feel the way I did.
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In any case, your own health has to come first and losing weight for you will make you feel better about yourself, which will show itself without you even trying and any guy will pick up on that!
Really, I AM doing this for me. This is something I have wanted to do for a long time and this is the most success I have ever had, not just because the weight is coming off, but because I feel like I finally have victory over my food "demons". I feel like I had been in bondage to the food, it was the only way I knew how to deal with sh** in my life: escape it by watching tv and eating all day.
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I, myself have lost over 40lbs since last year October, so I am feeling pretty good about myself also.
Good job, Sam! 40 pounds is definitely noticeable. I know how good it felt to see my best friend, who hasn't seen me in over a month, and have her say, "oh my god, you're so skinny!" Not that I'm anywhere near "skinny", nor do I ever want to be (I prefer to be a little "curvy" myself, and don't like skinny guys, either), but it was obviously noticeable to her that I had lost a lot of weight. And it felt great!
Now, anyone else looking at me for the first time, their first impression is still going to be that I am overweight. I'm still over 200 pounds, and that's pretty fat for a 5'7" woman. But I'm gettin' there!
I'm sure you'll reach your goal Sam. And I'm sure your W will notice, too! She's obviously conscious of the whole weight issue because of her own weight loss, so I'm sure she has noticed yours as well. Has she said anything to you about it?
Well, it's getting late here and I really need to get to sleep. I'll talk to you again soon.
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
She hasn't said anything about it directly. When we did some winter clothes shopping with the boys a couple of weeks ago, she picked out some sweaters for me and when I tried them on she did say I looked good. So I think she does notice but doesn't feel like giving too many compliments at this time I guess.
I think my W felt similar to you as far as the ML goes. She always insisted that the lights be off. I told her that it is exciting to me to see what I am doing and to who I am doing it, so sometimes we would leave a small light on, but I think she probably still was uncomfortable about it. I also told her that I am attracted to her the way she is. However, I did notice that over the last year that we still ML (haven't since Feb this year) she never initiated it. That made me feel like I was "using" her for my pleasure and I didn't like that feeling, so I initiated less. In the spring in MC, she asked me why I did not initiate sex as much anymore and I told her how it made me feel when I initiate pretty much all the time, to which she said that she doesn't always have to be in the mood, that we could have had sex just to have sex. But she had told me in Feb (when we stopped) that she just couldn't anymore because it didn't feel right. To me, that sounds like we cannot have sex just to have sex. She said it felt like ML to her brother (like a platonic kind of love I guess). Later, close to the summer, before she moved out, she asked me if I was getting frustrated. She then said that she knows that I am "helping" myself, that she understands why I am doing it, but it is bothering her. She then said something that I remember well because it confused the heck out of me, she said (while crying): "It really sucks that I cannot ML to you!"
So, what would you make of that? Just trying to understand her better. Thanks for your insight!!
