I understand your anxiety to. It is normal to panic and think the worst. this is how we protect ourselves and process the info.
I agree with puppy. He pursues when you dont answer. Hey how about you just dont go and have that talk tommorrow. Be busy ! xmas is a few weeks off and who cares finacial problems he might have. He left the home.
H just sent me a text: Explain to me why I feel like I don't want to talk to you much right now. Why do I think your being short with me?
He wants ME to explain to HIM why HE feels like not talking to me? How the HE!! am I supposed to do THAT? And didn't we just go over this a couple of hours ago on the phone? Didn't I just tell him that I've got a lot of sh** on my mind, and that I was sorry for being short with him?
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
I still don't know what to say to him. I feel like maybe he's trying to pick a fight? Maybe not. I've gone over in my mind a couple of things I might text back to him, but since I can't tell for sure what his tone is from the text, and he won't be able to tell what mine is, I am very hesitant to respond to his question, especially since we've already been through this. I don't want to bite, if this is bait. I've apologized once. What more is he looking for?
But if I don't respond to him, I'm going to hear about it. My guess is he'll call me tonight on the house phone (I can't ignore that one like I can my cell phone), or he'll come knocking on my door early in the morning demanding to know what my problem is. Or else he'll just be pissy with me when he comes over for this talk he wants to have.
Well, I don't need to be short with him, or pissy, either. I don't need to play into whatever it is he's doing.
My cell phone's going back out to the charger on the other side of the house, right now.
At the very least, I know he's not with the OW right now, huh? :-)
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
There is nothing wrong with returning a call. The key is that when you do return it that you never put any pressure about the relationship or seem eager to stay on the phone. Of course it doesn't mean you have to return it the second you see that he called. Confident and independent people do what THEY want. If you want to return it.. return it. If you are busy (and I would most certainly be a BUSY PERSON) then return it at YOUR convenience. Take a page out of the WS playbook. See what he wants, have your little chit chat and then say goodbye.
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He didn't answer his cell, so I left a vm saying that I had just finished with D's ortho appt, and that I would pick our S up from school since I was in the area, thanks anyway, guess I'll talk to you later.
I would recommend not leaving a message. Stay mysterious. If you do leave one, please don't say things like "I was just." or things like that. It comes across as apologetic. No need to apologize for being busy. Remember.. He is with another woman. Stay strong and don't play all of your cards or reveal your every thought. And don't say "I'll guess I will talk to you later"... Should be more on the lines of. "Talk to you later, or I will call you back later" (and then don't call back and when he confronts you tell him you have been busy and "forgot")(men hate that and it makes them curious of what is going on that you "forgot" about ME.. How dare you)
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He called AGAIN about 15 minutes later. He asked if I had gotten his last vm. I said yes. He asked if I was going to call him back, and I said that I figured when he listened to my vm he would have to answer he was looking for, so no, I wasn't. He was like, okay, whatever, I guess I'll talk to you later then. I just said, okay, and we hung up.
Good job here. He is pursuing YOU. Can you not see this? Keep doing what works. He is still curious to what was up this morning with you. Keep up with this attitude. You are busy, you are withdrawing and you are THINKING... Do not reveal anymore than that. Make him pester you for an answer. Then duck and weave and get off the phone and stay busy and distant... Haven't you ever not liked a guy and done these types of things and yet wondered why he didn't get the message? The more you avoid them the harder they pursue? I thought all women have gone through this. "Why do the guys that I avoid seem to chase me more?"
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I offered to bring them back to my bedroom to talk to him so they wouldn't be distracted; he declined, but said next time he talked to them he wanted me to turn the tv off. I thought that was reasonable, so I said I would do it.
This was one of your bigger mistakes..... Do NOT offer. It is His responsibility to tell his own kids. Not yours. Tell him to tell them himself. If he wants the tv off while talking to them be brave and tell him this. "you want them to turn the tv off when they are on the phone with you, then YOU tell them."
For pete's sake. He is leaving you and with another woman and you are letting him tell you what YOU should be doing.... Tell him NO CAN DO... Be firm. Let him whine and get mad. Just get happily off the phone and go back to being busy....(even if busy is immediately crying your eyes out.)
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Basically, H commented on my being short with him today. I apologized for being short with him.
You already apologized once. Once is enough. Tell him I already told you I was sorry. Cut him off and come up with some excuse of having to go because you have sooo much going. Be firm, stay pleasant, stay mysterious. He is curious. Keep him that way and do NOT reveal your mindset. Big mistake if you do.
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He brought up the stuff I was thinking about, trying to get me to tell him what it was, and I just told him I had a whole bunch of sh** on my mind that I was sorting out, and I really didn't feel like talking about it.
Keep this up. Change the subject. Tell him you figured it out on your own.. BUT leave him hanging just as he is leaving you hanging. I call it "taste of own medicine." Remember. What is working on you is the same things that will work on him. Copy more of the WS playbook. It sure seems to get people on this site to do things in panic.
He said if I didn't want to talk to him (and he meant in general, not about this particular issue), I should just tell him, he'd leave me alone, whatever. [/quote]
This was a golden opportunity to SHOW him you have had a sudden wake up call about this whole situation. "Ok, yes leave me alone and I don't want to talk about it" (isn't that what you kept trying to tell him in the first place. Quit letting him ORDER you around and telling you what to do like a maid, while he is out galavanting with another woman.)
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I just said I didn't say I didn't want to talk to him, just that I didn't want to talk about this right now, and didn't know if I'd need to at all. It's just some stuff I need to get sorted out for myself. He said fine, whatever.
NOPE.. See above response.. You let him turn this around. You kept telling him you didn't want to talk about it and he kept pestering you and then you basically caved. Get strong. He will test you as he did this morning, but he will secretly respect you for starting to stand up to him. He is being a putz. Do not let this happen.
All in all.. Not bad. Fine tune. Catch the drift on the attitude to present to him. It is OK to be strong and firm. Especially when he starts to have tantrums or boss you around. Stay confident, stay pleasant, make it short, sound very busy and mysterious. He responed quite well to you. I suspect he is secretly wondering what is up with you.
And not to be insecure here (ha ha!), but can you identify for me WHY you think he still loves me? From a guy's POV, what behaviors is he displaying that indicate love? Curious about this...
We know these things. Been there...
You are being insecure. He only called you about 10 times today and kept pestering you about what you were upset about. He only brought up that you were short with him 2 or 3 times.(poor sensitive little boy LOL)......
He is showing the signs of possilbe panic if he can't have you exactly when HE wants you.
Those are just a few. Your attitude though, should be "who cares, I will be perfectly fine without you, and as a matter of fact, maybe this is for the best for ME too."....
Many men I know respond to that attitude when the woman that has been there for them for so long, suddenly changes direction.
Mysterious and busy..Pleasant and busy...... No nonsense and busy.... I am not doing that for you.. and busy....
But if I don't respond to him, I'm going to hear about it.
LHS,
There's nothing I can add to Gucci's phenomenal advice to you, and I'm going to check in on you on your own thread so we can get this one back to our original discussion, but I did want to add this thought to the above quote:
So what?????
You need to be more concerned with DOING THE RIGHT THING, in every situation, than you are about "hearing about it."
You are way to involved with him still. Quit it. For one, quit apologizing. Unless you ripped his head off, it doesn't matter. In fact, he'll probably pursue you more if you were more distracted and less talkative. Be friendly and sweet sounding, but not because he called, but in spite of it.
My opinion is that you should say whatever will give him the impression that you are DONE with him. He WILL NOT get off the snide as long as you are hung up on him. Ask Puppy or Gucci for the wording...I'm not that great at that, but the last thing he needs right now is reassurance that you are patiently waiting for him. He needs the opposite impression.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
