Thanks so much for the support, LilSweetie! It really does mean so much. I can't say enough how every response is truly a balm to my rawness.
I'm actually a pretty honest person when it comes to myself and my emotions and my flaws, so in a strange way, being honest about my sitch is not half as hard as actually trying to deal with not feeling like I know the absolute honest truth about my H's feelings, situation, mental landscape, etc. Of course, the truth is that we can never have that kind of certainty about another human being - let alone ourselves - so all we can do is cope and have faith in our interpretations of the world.
In any case, sorry to ramble.
Today is a strange day. I started the day extremely down on myself, but at the moment I feel somewhat neutral. It's really helped reading the various situations on the board. I feel lucky in many ways that we've been so cordial so far, and my H has been very kind in our dealings. He's not reacting like an alien (so far) as much as like the same old him but just a little more distant and troubled (knock on wood). I can at least be grateful for that.
He's maintained that he loves me throughout - perhaps out of a fear to hurt me or out of guilt, but looking at him I feel he's pretty sincere. I think the overwhelming sensation I've gotten from our dealings is that yes, I love you, but sometimes love just isn't enough.
Interestingly enough, after reading many of the other threads, I do feel somewhat discouraged at the amount of time it appears to take to patch things up, if it does happen. I know that I need to be realistic and think about GAL, but the sad truth is that I really don't have a lot of time to wait. The other sad truth is that neither does he. Ah well, I can't predict the future, so I just have to roll with the punches.
At least he's fickle as Hell. That trait is on my side, I think. His sisters feel he is extremely confused and having a hard time with everything. I've never met someone who could make major, major decisions as rashly as he does. Of course, on the flip side, I've been shoving that particular observation down his throat for years, so I may have created a "last stand" kind of situation. His sisters also worry that he's too embarassed to try to consider allowing himself to change his mind.
In any case, I could go on speculating forever. I've decided I'm going to do the following things to start beginning to GAL and distract myself. We'll see how they pan out.
1. Invited my coworker/friend over tomorrow night for drinks, dinner, and to put up the Christmas tree. I wasn't going to bother decorating, but in the end it might cheer me up and this is the sort of thing H always would have helped with, so I need to learn to do it myself.
2. I'm going to start exercising. I hate to do it and really feel like I'd rather shave off my skin than get on the treadmill, but I'm also not satisfied with my body so there's no use sitting around and doing nothing. H always was very complimentary, but he has gotten fed up several times at my "being down on myself." It had been much worse before the bomb, so I'm sure that doesn't help.
3. I'm going to make myself sleep more. I've never been a person to sleep much more than 5 hours a night, and things are worse now.
4. I'm going to start working on my writing again. This is a huge one for me since I've been slacking for a very long time. There's a novel living in my head that needs to come out.
5. I'm going to clean the house tonight, and maybe I'll pick up in the garage a bit.
6. I'm going to walk my dog for a nice long walk on the weekend instead of just letting her out.
7. I'm not going to read any old letters for the rest of this week. It certainly isn't helping me feel better about anything.
I haven't read your whole story (I will), but I was scanning some of your posts, and a couple of things caught my eye:
Quote:
It's so difficult to be here. The halls are hollow and his ghost is everywhere
Quote:
I made the mistake of coming home and flipping through some of our old love letters. I found his stash of my old letters and cards, and they broke my heart. I read letters he'd written me in Afghanistan and wanted to kick myself for being a stupid kid that was too proud to write him back except once in a blue moon.
These stood out to me only because I have been there, done that. I totally relate to the pain you are in. From what little I have read, though, you seem to be doing really well in the GAL department, so keep that up. It can only help you, especially if you can get OUT of that house.
I know from experience that sitting around and wallowing in a "haunted" house does nothing but make you feel even worse. Sometimes, you feel like you don't have a choice, and I do believe you need to allow yourself to feel the pain, so that you can really move forward. But don't do it for too long, okay? I did, and believe me, it didn't help. All it did was make every interaction with my H that much more painful, and it kept me in "pursuing" mode for far too long.
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Thanks, gucci loafer! I'm trying to stay on the fast track. Hopefully it'll all work out.
You know, it's very true that it is quite early, and I do believe that this time is what we both need. We both skipped a stage or two on the road to adulthood and marriage, so I feel confident that this had to happen, and that it was the right thing. We need to grow and learn. We need to come together for the right reasons, as two adults who are comfortable in our own skin. I needed the time as much as him; I was just being less open about it.
And the truth is, if he never left, I never would have come to appreciate him and what we have as I do now.
The tricky, terrifying part is that perhaps we will come to separate epiphanies about who we are and who we should be with. I cannot help but feel in my heart that we are the right thing, the real thing. I knew it the first moment I saw him when I was just a kid (really, it happened). I also know I never would have been able to truly appreciate what we have without experiencing the loss.
It's funny, but I had knew that I would get him back in time - if I could be sure that we'd come together again in the right way, even if it meant being apart for a long time - it would be easy to let him go for this season. The problem is the permanent loss.
Ah well. This is life, and it only gets more difficult from here.
Doing ok on my goals. Didn't make it to the treadmill today, but I did tidy up a bit, avoided the mementos, talked to some friends about things not related to my life, and am going to try to put myself to bed in a few. Not too bad for today, and there's always tomorrow.....
Thanks so much for your support, lovehimso! It really, really means so much. The house feels less haunted today, and I'm so grateful for that. I haven't contacted him, and I've made plans for my weekend so I'll be doing something rather than sulking around the house.
Now if I can just get my mind clear enough to deal with Saturday with some zen, I'll be satisfied.
I keep telling myself that I'm not going to pursue him even if it kills me. I never pursued him in the entire span of our relationship until about two or three years ago, so God knows that there has to be some validity to staying a little detached.
Game on, H! Game on.....
And many hugs for your sitch, lovehimso. I will be thinking of you when I sit down to pray tonight. *hugs*
Sometimes my typos on here really kill me. Got to stop fat-finguring everything.....
Goodnight, everyone! I'm feeling ok right now. The house is tidy, and I at least got a few things done.
I keep telling myself that I'm a pretty amazing person despite my flaws, and if he's a man worth my attention, he should recognize that and want to be here. Ball's in his court.
I can't say this attitude is going to last through tomorrow, but hope springs eternal....
Today is a good day so far. I slept well, got some things done last night, and I altogether feel much more like myself. Driving to work this morning, I felt like I was coming out of the fog a bit. I remembered all the reasons that I love me, and that I'm fabulous. It's not that I don't need to do a lot of work and growing - everyone does - but today I remembered to appreciate myself for who I am. It feels good. I love him for who he is, and I'm feeling like I really love me for who I am.
I reminded myself that he's been with those "simple" girls before. But the truth is, I was the only one that could hold his attention. I was the only one that inspired him, that pushed him to be a better person, that expected him to be on the same level instead of trying to meet him at his. He didn't love me because I was easy to be with. He loved me because I am strong. I know what I want. I know who I am. I know my potential, and I've never given up on believing that I will be an important person one day. I'm eccentric and unpredictable. I'm funny and witty. I'm smart and talented, and I take responsibility instead of running. I'm wise beyond my years, and I'm nothign if not observant. I'm tolerent and objective, and I'm not afraid of diversity in all aspects of life. I don't conform, and I can handle anything. I'm kind even though I pretent to be cold, and I'm compassionate. I forgive easily, and I bounce back from pain fairly quickly. I demand respect, and I excel in everything I do because I will not accept anything but the best from myself - and for myself. I am exotic and tempting. I am a mystery as much as I am an open book. I'm from two different ethnic backgrounds just like him, and so I understand standing between two worlds. I am a chameleon in many ways.
And I'm really damn beautiful. Forget the fact that I can stand to lose some weight. Who cares? Forget that the OW is thin and All-American -at least I'm fairly sure of that (ok, I'm guessing, but whatever). He dated several of those types - skinny, the girl next door, same socio-economic background, good Southern girls, etc. Nothing wrong with those things, BTW, but I am not any of those things, and I don't feel bad about it. I don't stroke his ego. I push him ahead because I always believe he can be even more. Now, sure, I could do to stroke his ego a good deal more, but at least I've never told him it was acceptable to settle.
Why did he stay with me for so long? Why did he love me despite the fact that I am different from the type of woman that he thought he'd grow up and marry? Why did he want me so bad even though I wasn't kissing his a$$ and nurturing him all the time?
Come to think of it, his mother wasn't nurturing at all. And she wasn't All-American (she was Filipina). She was tough on him, and she didn't take any crap from him - but he loves her immensely, and when she died, he never stopped regretting her loss and regretting the time he'd spent upset with her.
There's a reason there. He may not realize it right now, but the truth is that he will get bored eventually. He will miss being challenged. He will miss me.
Sure, we're different in many ways. But being something other than myself isn't going to get me anywhere.
And yes, I need to work on alot of things. I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable, and I need to break down my protective walls in many ways. I need to do a better job of not comparing myself to others, and I need to feel less like I need to outshine others to feel good about myself. I need to allow myself to take better care of myself and other people - a huge weakness is that I expect a lot of basic things to be done for me because they always have been, things like the laundry, mowing the yard, etc. I need to stop being lazy and squash the idea that all of my non-work time is for my pleasure alone. I need allow myself to be ok with the fact that yeah, I want kids, and yeah, I actually do believe in God. I need to do a better job of listening and showing interest in topics outside of my realm. I need to constantly remind myself that one gives respect to get respect, and I need to look in the mirror every day and tell myself that the only person that sees my size as an issue is me.
Anyways, I'm going on and on. I feel good today. I feel strong.
I feel like no matter what happens, I'll learn something, and I'll end up ok.
I love him, and I love me just as much.
~Nas, crossing her fingers to keep on this PMA path
Nas, Excellent job with the goals. Pity Parties happen...fortunately, they end quickly when no one you invite shows up. I like you. You seem to know who you are and what you want. Watch out for the sisters. Blood is still thicker than water, in nearly every sitch I've seen. You're doing great. Peace.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here but I am pleased to 'meet' you. I spotted some similarities in our sitchs and we are about the same age (27??). This is going to be a difficult process and it will probably take longer than you could have imagined but I think you are getting some really good advice and it is great that you have a DB coach and that you have discovered DBing early on. I discovered it 6 months down the separation line and I have to say DBing has helped me sooooooo much.
Isn't it horrible when you were the smart, powerful woman and now you are walking on eggshells. It is quite soul-destroying to be walking on eggshells constantly but I know the feeling well. One of the key things about DBing is doing more of what works. What was it about you that first attracted your h. When he came back and you didn't go to work etc that put him off. One of the main messages here is to GAL, or get a life for you. This will help you to keep going through this process and will also help you build confidence. You are doing such a good job of this already and are setting really good goals.
Hey Nas. a native GA boy from Brunswick who lived in Savannah for 12 years here. Now I'm in Louisville.
Anyway, welcome to the club no one wanted to join.
first off, I think you're doing a fine job of Db'ing this early in the game. It's obvious that you really want to save your M; by the effort you're placing into researching this out. You recognize how your early pursuits were not effective and you have changed your tactics. he's noticed; believe me.
It's difficult to be the spouse of a first responder. I'm friends with several in law enforcement and a several firefighters. I'm also ex-active military and currently in the Air Guard. So I know what sacrifices a military spouse must make. It's not for everyone. But I commend you for your turn around and support for your husband.
Best I can glean from you sitch, is that your husband feels that you married down. I see self-esteem issues within him. It's sad that he doesn't see the love that you so wish to give him. It's not about money or class; love knows none of that. He needs to get beyond that to have a real relationship with you.
My W and I are polar opposites; she's the outgoing one, never met a stranger type. She's also the one having multiple A's. I was always content to stay at home and be a "family." Over the last year, she started going out more and more. Doing things without me. I don't like her friends and my friends don't like her. So I know what it's like to have different interests that keep two people apart.
I'll keep a watch here. I think you're off to a really good start. I've read your posts elsewhere. I do think you should be writing.
Hopefully it'll all work out.