ok, TOTALLY off topic, but who here enjoys a good cigar??
At the moment, I'm enjoying a new one I tried, that's really good. Sol Cubano Cuban Cabinet:
It's medium to full-bodied, but really smooth and slightly sweet. The wrapper is just gorgeous, and feels great in your hand. It doesn't draw real well with a bullet cut, however, and I'm having a little bit of a hrd time keeping it lit, but it's a delicious smoke.
ok, TOTALLY off topic, but who here enjoys a good cigar??
At the moment, I'm enjoying a new one I tried, that's really good. Sol Cubano Cuban Cabinet:
It's medium to full-bodied, but really smooth and slightly sweet. The wrapper is just gorgeous, and feels great in your hand. It doesn't draw real well with a bullet cut, however, and I'm having a little bit of a hrd time keeping it lit, but it's a delicious smoke.
Not much for cigars, Puppy. Don't care for the aroma, and they just seem like a lot of trouble. Besides, my gut instinct tells me they're just another phallic symbol.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Okay Puppy and gucci, I need some more input if you are around...
More phone calls from H today. Called my cell phone around 2:00. I was with D at her orthodontist appointment and ringer had been turned off, so I didn't see that he had called until around 2:30. He had left a vm saying that he was trying to get a hold of me, that he had called the house and I didn't answer, that now he was trying my cell and I didn't answer, he was calling to maybe pick up the kids from school, but I wasn't around, he guessed I already had plans or whatever, so he would talk to me later.
I called him back. Yeah I know, start swinging. He didn't answer his cell, so I left a vm saying that I had just finished with D's ortho appt, and that I would pick our S up from school since I was in the area, thanks anyway, guess I'll talk to you later.
I forgot to turn the ringer back on my phone, and on the way from ortho to school he called again. Left another vm saying that he saw that I had called him and he was just trying to call me back. I didn't return that call, since I had left him a vm and he obviously didn't listen to it.
He called AGAIN about 15 minutes later. He asked if I had gotten his last vm. I said yes. He asked if I was going to call him back, and I said that I figured when he listened to my vm he would have to answer he was looking for, so no, I wasn't. He was like, okay, whatever, I guess I'll talk to you later then. I just said, okay, and we hung up.
He called here at the house about an hour ago. When I answered he said hello and immediately asked to talk to the kids. I said sure! And then gave the phone to them. S came back into my bedroom a few minutes later and handed the phone back to me. H was still on the line, and he complained that the kids weren't really talking to him because they were watching tv. He said he hadn't talked to them all day (bullcrap, because he took them to school in the morning, and there have been days when he doesn't talk to them at all, so I was thinking, "where is THAT coming from?") and it irked him that they weren't even listening to him. I offered to bring them back to my bedroom to talk to him so they wouldn't be distracted; he declined, but said next time he talked to them he wanted me to turn the tv off. I thought that was reasonable, so I said I would do it.
This is where I'm going to have trouble remembering exact words and the order of comments, but I'm going to do my best. Basically, H commented on my being short with him today. I apologized for being short with him. He brought up the stuff I was thinking about, trying to get me to tell him what it was, and I just told him I had a whole bunch of sh** on my mind that I was sorting out, and I really didn't feel like talking about it. He said if I didn't want to talk to him (and he meant in general, not about this particular issue), I should just tell him, he'd leave me alone, whatever. I just said I didn't say I didn't want to talk to him, just that I didn't want to talk about this right now, and didn't know if I'd need to at all. It's just some stuff I need to get sorted out for myself. He said fine, whatever.
Then he told me he had a doctor's appointment in the morning, and he didn't know how his day was going to go, but at some point he wanted to sit down and talk with me about some stuff. He had mentioned the other day that he wanted to talk about Christmas, and financial stuff, so I asked him what he wanted to talk about (just to see if it was something different, and if he would even tell me), but he turned the tables on me and he just said, I just need to talk to you about some stuff. I said fine, and he said, well, I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow then, and I said okay, and we said goodbye.
I think I pretty much know where I went wrong, but please tell me what you think, guys. I have to admit, I am feeling anxious about this "talk" he wants to have with me. The tone in his voice when the conversation changed from the kids to "us" makes me think it's more than just Christmas and money, but I could be reading too much into it. He could have just been reacting to my cautiousness with him today.
But thinking about what he could possibly want to talk to me about tomorrow brought me to something I haven't given any thought to, and I don't know why because it is so obvious. I've probably just been in denial.
What if H tells me tomorrow, in no uncertain terms, that he wants a divorce? I haven't given ANY thought to how I would react, what I should say, if and when he ever does say that to me. He's never said the words, "I want a divorce." What he has said is, "I don't want to be married to you." To me, that's a difference. In my mind, "I don't want to be married to you" could mean "that's how I feel right now, but it could change". "I want a divorce" means "I am POSITIVE I am DONE". Am I just deluding myself?
Give me some help here, please. My mind is racing with all of the possibilities, all the things that he could possibly say to me. Things like, I know now that I don't love you. I love her. I'm moving in with her. I want a divorce. I never loved you. I've always loved her. She is the love of my life. I filed for divorce yesterday (two days ago, last week). OW is pregnant, and I'm going to marry her. You and I just weren't meant to be (actually, he has already said this to me once before, but only once and it was the day after he revealed his PA to me, and it was during a text msg exchange we had, so I didn't have to hear his voice saying those words to me). You never made me happy. She makes me happy. I think we need to sell the house and you and the kids need to find another place to live.
Give me time tonight and I'm sure I can come up with more. This is how my mind works. It always goes to the negative. Well, and in this situation, why wouldn't it? There's no way he wants to come over and tell me that he broke up with OW and wants to give our marriage another try. So, unless it is just really about plans for Christmas and our financial situation (as he has talked about looking for an apartment), I can only imagine the worst.
Even if it is only about those issues, I can see this being a stressful conversation. I'm not even sure yet what I want to do about Christmas. I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss it without giving it some more thought. I don't know if I'm okay spending it together, or if we need to split the day with the kids. Neither option appeals to me. I want to tell him that I don't want to talk about it now, but I will talk to him about it next week.
And the financial stuff, well, I'm just finding it hard to swallow that he wants to get an apartment. He's talking about a two bedroom, I think, so the kids have their own room there, and how he's going to need to furnish it and everything. He mentioned renting furniture, but still.
A month ago when he extended his stay at the hotel for another month, I was convinced that he was going to move in with OW. But he didn't, and he told me that he didn't want to get an apartment, that he wasn't in "that place" mentally. Now he is.
To me, that is the most telling sign that he is just in absolutely NO hurry to leave OW and work on our marriage. He's just getting farther away. At least while he was in the hotel, I could convince myself that he still saw our separation as "temporary". Now, I think he's just taking one more step toward D.
HELP!!!
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
I love the fact that you guys say you are not complicated..however, most of us LBS's of WAH's would disagree
I can just totally picture Pup smoking a cigar out on the balcony aka Boston Legal at the end of the show LOL!
Tawnya
Oh man, I LOVE those scenes!!! They're the best part of a great show. Just watched two episodes of it last nite, as a matter of fact, on ION. Love Denny Crane!!!
ok, TOTALLY off topic, but who here enjoys a good cigar??
At the moment, I'm enjoying a new one I tried, that's really good. Sol Cubano Cuban Cabinet:
It's medium to full-bodied, but really smooth and slightly sweet. The wrapper is just gorgeous, and feels great in your hand. It doesn't draw real well with a bullet cut, however, and I'm having a little bit of a hrd time keeping it lit, but it's a delicious smoke.
Not much for cigars, Puppy. Don't care for the aroma, and they just seem like a lot of trouble. Besides, my gut instinct tells me they're just another phallic symbol.
I'll be honest, I don't have much of an attention span for really long posts, but I read most of yours.
two thoughts:
1) SO MUCH DRAMA!!! Did you get my message, yes I did, why didn't you call me back, etc. WHATEVER!!! Just say something like "Oh, did you call? I'm sorry, I must have missed it, and move on!
2) You're obviously projecting on the upcoming convo, but I can empathize with your anxiety. I think if he says he wants a divorce, you should say "Well, that's not what I want, but if you do, I guess you have to do what you feel you have to do." That's straight DBing, and I agree with it.
You need to project a sense of "I'll be OK either way." If you come across as even half as anxious and needy as you do in these latest posts, then he's going to pick up the wrong message from you.
You both spend a lot of time sniffing each other's butts, IMHO. There's a certain immaturity to it; that's not a knock -- just an observation. He does act like he still loves you, and he seems to react well when you detach (by pursuing you).
Thank you Puppy, both for actually trying to get through my long-winded posts and for responding to them. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input.
Quote:
1) SO MUCH DRAMA!!! Did you get my message, yes I did, why didn't you call me back, etc. WHATEVER!!! Just say something like "Oh, did you call? I'm sorry, I must have missed it, and move on!
Got it! I think I need to write down your suggestions to me as to what to say in certain situations on a notecard and keep in in my wallet to practice when I have a few extra minutes somewhere!
Quote:
2) You're obviously projecting on the upcoming convo, but I can empathize with your anxiety. I think if he says he wants a divorce, you should say "Well, that's not what I want, but if you do, I guess you have to do what you feel you have to do." That's straight DBing, and I agree with it.
I know I shouldn't project, but it's like my mind goes there of it's own accord. Any suggestions for how to not do that? Again, need to pull out the notecards!
Quote:
You need to project a sense of "I'll be OK either way." If you come across as even half as anxious and needy as you do in these latest posts, then he's going to pick up the wrong message from you.
Okay, I'll do my best "self-talk" tomorrow and pump myself up for this convo. "I WILL be okay either way. I don't NEED him, even if I do WANT him. He has to do what he has to do." Anything I should add?
Quote:
You both spend a lot of time sniffing each other's butts, IMHO. There's a certain immaturity to it; that's not a knock -- just an observation. He does act like he still loves you, and he seems to react well when you detach (by pursuing you).
By "sniffing each other's butts", do you mean, trying to figure out what the other person "really" means by what they say? If that's what you mean, you're absolutely right. Knock away! We both do that. Always have. And you're right, it does reek of immaturity, and even more of insecurity, I think. H and I are both pretty insecure people.
And not to be insecure here (ha ha!), but can you identify for me WHY you think he still loves me? From a guy's POV, what behaviors is he displaying that indicate love? Curious about this...
And I have noticed the same thing. When I have managed to detach on a few rare occasions, he has called and called and called. Once, he even showed up on my doorstep when I didn't answer his calls.
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
