You are being so strong!!! You are doing such a good job of thinking through your options and your actions. I like OD's email edits, and the idea of starting from scratch to come up with a solution together.
One thing about one of Essie's questions. Could you become financially independent from your H without selling the house?
In terms of the "pay your own bills/let him continue to go halves" debate, I can see it either way, but I completely think you are doing the right thing by continuing to let him pay.
What are your top travel destinations that you would go to if you decided to do the 8 month mortgage holiday? did you find a good place to take driving lessons yet?
Also... just thinking ahead... if you did rent the house out, if it's hard to keep up and also not close to anything, would you be traveling back to the house to perform maintenence? or would H be doing that? would you have a maintenance fund to hire someone else to fix things when they broke? I am probably getting ahead of myself here.
I also thought it was really interesting that you felt more compassion for your H after seeing bodyworlds.
I had a really good time at choir with Lisa. She shocked some of the older ladies with talk of control pants and I got the giggles a lot at everything through the rehearsal!! Then when we were on our way out I commented that it was freezing and a guy piped up behind me 'it is isn't it but it would be weird if it was warm round Christmas time'. I turned round and it was the hottest guy in choir (which admittedly is not that hot but still, it turns out he has a sexy NZ accent!). I was a little bit flustered, as I am never sure what to do when new people talk to me esp guys, but responded and we walked along chatting for a short while and then I saw I was losing Lisa ahead so got a bit flustered and said 'right, bye see you next week' and literally ran off. Oh well...
H news... I got home last night and there was a message on the answer phone from the video store where he now lives saying that he had only taken a case back without the DVD in it. It is really strange that they have our house phone telephone number??? Why would he give them that??? I texted him the message and then sent a separate text with the gas and electric readings. He sent a message this morning saying that he had got it reduced from £98 per month the £48. I still think we are paying waaaay over the odds and need to switch company but I am not going to say anything and undermine the effort he has put into it. I sent a message back saying that was really good news and asked were they up for refunding anything? (in retrospect maybe I shouldn't have asked that and just validated his good work) but he texted back saying no, that new price reflected a refund for our overpayments. I wrote back saying never mind, that was excellent news.
So, there is no emotion in his texts but it is good he told me - i.e. that he considered it my business. Often in the past he has just done things and not told me as you know like the mortgage holiday and other stuff. Also good that he texted back about 10 mins later in answer to my question. So, all boring news but perhaps communication may be opening up again.
I am feeling tired today and was a little overwhelmed at the thought of moving etc this morning. It is hard being shoved into a new way of life without it being your choice. I do see this as a real opportunity for me, but at the same time it is scary. Can I just retreat to my shell??
No reply to my email about meeting up...
(((Ali))) - They are so complex and not consistent either which makes it a minefield!
(((Ms M))) - no, this was my composition but I did take on board a lot of what Jody said in my last session and what you told me about your session with her.
(((T))) - the house is the thing that ties us really, I don't see how we can extracate from each other without selling or buying each other out and neither of us wants that I don't think. I am going to see what he has to say about the bills - he seems to like to be in charge of them so I will play it by ear when I see him, it is hard to get how he feels from email/ text without assuming.
Oooh, travel desitnations... so many. New Zealand would be my ideal and more of the Far East. I may just close my eyes and stick my finger on a map and see where it takes me! Or get a round the world ticket. I have found an instructor for driving... it is just finding the money! Maybe I will know more after my meeting with h.
(((Essie))) thank you for checking in on me I'm holding up ok, I was really good yesterday, not so good today but I think that is tiredness but I am getting better as the day goes on and hopefully tonight I will be better as I am meeting my friend for cup cakes which should be fun and yummy!
I know things have crashed, but, the dollar is still a midget compared to the pound, so, you need to come to the US I'd be glad to teach you to drive on the right side of the road. LOLZ.
Remember, other people are probably just as flustered as you. My recommendation would be to put on the best look of disdain you can manage which will generally leave them flustered and give you time to turn on the charm and wit.
Hi Julia, I agree you have been very strong & making some wise choices. So Bravo!!! The email was really good.
I think you should keep your contact w/your H business like. True, there is no real emotion on his side, but contact is contact. R talks didn't work for me. Maybe treat him like an ice cube - that you slowly have to melt.
No matter how you have acted, I think pure & simple he's afraid of you. Whether or not your reaction was a 180 for you, I'm sure he didn't expect your reaction. He expected you to be angry & pissed off & you weren't. So you have him thinking.... Stay strong & keep up the good PMA!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Ms M, I am really going to try and keep it business like. Today I got a text from h saying he'd sent me the form for the payment holiday, can I sign it and send it off at the weekend so it reaches before our next payment. He didn't reply to my email asking to meet, he just sent me that so I replied. I said that I wasn't at work so couldn't see it he'd replied to my email but I had emailed him asking if he'd like to meet and chat through the options. I wasn't sure if a payment holiday was something I'd be happy with but I was happy to see if there were some other options to alleviate the mortgage pressure. He replied and asked if I was free tomorrow. As it turns out I am not, I have a really lovely evening planned with an old friend and I don't want to cancel. Do you think I should though to be amenable?
I don't feel that prepared though. Tonight I am really freaked out, which is why I am up posting a 1.30am. I stayed over at my parents last night so the house has been empty over night and I got home this evening and a bedside light in the room I never go in was on. I never go in there and there is no way I would have left it on. I phoned my friend who has a key and she said it wasn't her, the only person that has a key is h but I can't see why it would be him. There is no sign of a break in but I hate being here on my own. I feel really scared. I know I am going to be knackered and in no fit state to see him tomorrow. I really need to get out of this house now I feel. It is too full of memories and too big and scary on my own - that sounds a bit pathetic doesn't it but the light thing has freaked me out. I am sitting in bed with the cat listening to every sound... I wondered about this as a reply email to h's text.
'Hiya, sorry I didn't reply yesterday my phone ran out of battery. A weird thing happened when I got home last night. There was one of the bedside lights on in the pink room which I definitely did not leave on. I stayed at Mum and Dad's on Wednesday night so the house has been empty for two days. I wondered if you had popped round as R says it isn't her? I don't mind at all if you did but please can you let me know otherwise I will have to take some further precautions or at least investigate further. Nothing was stolen of moved as far as I can see but it was freaky to come home to and has left me feeling quite unsettled in the house without a logical explanation.
I have meetings all day today and then in the evening I am seeing E and this is the only chance I will get as you know I only see her once a year. She is off to Mexico for a while after tomorrow. I am free most of the weekend and Monday and Wednesday night. Do any of those suit?
Hey Julia, I cant sleep either! Too much Guiness I think. I hope you are ok, I am not surprised you are spooked... seeing as noone has been in, do you think that it could be somehting like.. a loose wire and maybe the cat disturbed it, so the light came on again?? Or is that a room your H might have been in, to get something??
I sort of doubt he would come round and let himself in without contacting you, as he hasnt been in much contact latelyt and he wouldnt have known if you were in or out.. and if you looked out, he wouldnt have risked going in and turning lights on in case you came back.
So maybe that part of your email isnt necessary, but you could ask him WHEN you see him.
I am pretty amazed he just sent off the form to you, with still not discussing it.. seems to me he is getting tough Julia, he has told you he is moving to a rented place and he is clearly stressed about money.. look how fast he moved to reduce the 'leccy bill. I think he is getting a bit self-serving...
How about...
'Hiya, sorry I didn't reply yesterday my phone ran out of battery.(lose next bit)
I have meetings all day today and then in the evening I am seeing E and this is the only chance I will get as you know I only see her once a year. as she is off to Mexico for a while after tomorrow. I am free most of the weekend and Monday and Wednesday night. Do any of those suit? Let me know which you can make. I dont feel comfortable signing the form until we've had chance to discuss the implications.
Thanks J
...what do you think?
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi ((Julia)), The light being on is very strange, I would feel afraid too.
I would shorten your 1st paragraph up a bit (too much info, saying where you were & all). And the 2nd paragraph, I wouldn't tell him who you are meeting, if you want to keep the mystery going that is. Maybe just say you have dinner date or evening planned with a friend & can't change it.
Have a good night - I'm sure you will be ok
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
...and I agree you shouldnt meet him tommorow night, theres a dodgy Mars conjunct Sun thing going on! Plus you have plans right! (unless he meant to meet in the day ??). Wednesday would be a wierd one.. its a full moon! Might be fitting really.
I hope you manage to get to sleep.. me too! At least you are getting out and about and seeing people and you are gorg' of course too, so good things will come back at you, I am sure...
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
