Thank you so much for coming here, reading my stpry and posting to me. I have been reading your story for the last hour trying to learn.
I know my H is depressed and I think it may also be MLC but some of the symptoms are either missing or different. But I used your description of the six stages (could not get to it on this site, every link I try just takes me to today's threads).
In 2005, H turned 40 and that year he was really upset about turning 40, saying how old he was. Right after his 40th b-day, we made a major move, changed jobs, really uprooted ourselves. I had been a very anxious person and H had dealt with that for a long time but it got really bad after we moved. I had to take a second bar exam (VERY STRESSFUL) which made me a wreck, hard time getting a job, lots of anger, then, finally get a job and serious anxiety kicks in. I was no picnic.
Meanwhile, H is at his third large lawfirm, trying to fit in and it is not going well. He starts to obsess about working out. He lost some weight and then started asking me about calories in foods. Very odd for him. He gave up his hobby, music for almost 3 years. Picked it up again in 2008 when he joined a band but all he did was complain about it. In 2008 he gave up his other hobby, gardening.
By the end of 2006, early 2007 he was actively stating he was unhappy but did not know why, assuring me it was not me but him. Throughout 2007 he became a really angry guy. Almost never directed at me always at work. Though he has been withdrawing from me emotionally this whole time. Throughout 2007, H starts withdrawing from good friends in his home country and talks to his parents far less frequently.
Then, in January 2008, got word that his aunt (w/ whom he is very close) has end-stage cancer. Cut to June 2008, we have an argument about missing a run and he storms home from work grabs a suitcase and says he's leaving. I beg, plead and talk him out of it. Things were tense and then he left in the middle of the day in August, while I was at work.
I have never noticed the "dead eyes" nor did he ever drift off or stare into space.
The last time I saw him, 2.5 weeks ago, he was so thin he looks hollow, his skin was very pale and his hands were shaking. He also has high BP and chest pains. Now that I have been DBing and don't tell him I want to reconcile, he has stopped shouting at me how happy he is to have left me and tells me on his own that he is miserable but never elaborates as to why. I do not push.
I do think he is starting to fall apart, I just do not know if he will reach out for me. He has always been vehemently anti-counseling so I wonder if he'll ever go.
Everytime I tried to tell him he had all the symptoms of depression, he balked, so I stopped that a long time ago. Though he did seem interested in learning that the symptoms could be brought on my hormonal imbalance.
There was one meeting, the first one we had after he left and it was very different than any we have had since or any time we spent together for the year before he left for that matter. He cried when he saw me and he was really warm and open. I suggested that he had too much pressure on him, me, work and his aunt and he said that was true. I said he seemed to be having a mid-life crisis and he agreed. When we parted, he hugged me and when I tried to let go, he pulled me back and hugged me tighter.
Since then the walls have been erected and he has completely shut me out again.
Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to get it out while it was all clear in my mind after starting to read your story.
It helps to see that leaving them alone and leaving them to it can work. Not sure where mine is in the process or if he'll behave typically, if that even exists. I am at the point where I am scared he'll never come back. I am working very hard on me, exercising regularly, eating well, taken up new hobbies and working on getting a social life. I read all the time trying to work on my grief. Lately, as is normal, I am struggling a lot trying to detach. I am not doing very well with that.
Thanks again for posting to me, I really appreciate it.
