Whether, what & when to tell kids?

[marriedCrazy]

I wore mine for about 1.5 months after the bomb. She wore hers sporadically around me during that time. I think she only put them on just for show around me. Now that she's getting serious with OM; she left them at the house. I took mine off and I also confiscated hers. I didn't want her to sell that diamond; I want to make sure that my D gets it.

In the early going, I kept mine on to show that I was still standing for my M. After it was obvious that she wasn't and I got stronger; I took it off.

[carpenter54]

My W gave me hers the day I found out. I wore mine off and on awhile. Now it is on my keychain...I do touch it from time to time. She asked about hers...I told her you can have it back if you are going to wear it...and left it at that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's an intensely personal decision, Alex. Personally, I wore mine all throughout my wife's affair, even though she had taken hers off, up until the time when I served her with D papers -- then I took it off. I put it back on when we reconciled.

[lost_in_space]

Alex,
FWIW, I still wear mine. A F friend who knows the sitch actually commented that I am extremely devoted cause I still have it on. She didn't have hers on because she is going through cr@p in her M. My W took hers off in July.

Like Puppy said though, it is up to you.

[Hope4us]

I still wear mine. My W took hers off a year ago in Sept and has not put them on at anytime since.

I did take mine off for a couple months when W wouldn't quit trying to set up meets with OM even though he'd moved on to another mark. But I decided if I really wanted my marriage to work, that I would wear it until we weren't married any longer. I don't wear it for her, I wear it for ME.

[AlexEN]

Lost,

Do your kids know about your wife's PA? If so, how'd you break it to them. If not, do you plan to tell them?

-AlexEN

P.S. Where is your sitch described? Thanks.

[lost_in_space]

Alex

My sitch is "2008 = Crazy Year" (now up to #20).

My kids do not yet know about the PA. I am very concerned that the older two are likely to hear about this "in the schoolyard" so to speak. And, I have just indicated to W that we are canceling a Christmas trip due to continued PA. SInce the PA is a main reason for the canceling, they will need to know.

There are a number of differing viewpoints on what the kids need to know. I am following the HOT principle (Honesty, Openness, Truth). The kids have been deceived enough!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"I will no longer lie to cover up your affair."

[AlexEN]

Puppy,

Know your headed out of town... Just finished reading all of the posts started by you as ChocolateEyes and I'm exhausted... Also found the same Larry Tate reference you used on me the other day in a posting from 7/27/07!

Have a great tournament!

-AlexEN

[AlexEN]

Lost,

The truth. I will figure out the words, and clearly details are not needed, but the truth is. The 11 year old may get a little different script, but the message will be the same.

This is much easier said than done for me... I cannot come up with good script for my 8 year-old, let alone my soon-to-be 11 year-old...

I think they need to know the truth and that means they WILL have to learn some of the details otherwise we're just as guilty as our spouses of lying to them.

While I am more than willing to accept my role and ackowledge my sins, I think my wife needs to come clean, too, and acknowledge that it is she, not I, that is unwilling to try to work things out despite the fact that she is the one who strayed.

I know, I know, it's a tightrope, but we've (I take some blame for this) protected her too long from what SHE has done. I don't want to continue to enable.

Among the other powerful threads I read on Puppy's trail was this by a poster called MrsNOP:

So, at some point in the future they have every intention of introducing OP to children, family, coworkers, etc. They keep things secret so they can manipulate what they want at the time they want it. They also want to manipulate the situation to make it appear that the OP had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage. They keep the affair under wraps, start the process of keeping the BS deceived and they start explaining to family members that the marriage is having problems.

This usually take one of two tacks - it's no one's fault we've just grown apart or s/he is just impossible and I've dealt with him/her as long as I can.

So, the BS can sit back and do nothing proactive while the WS and OP spin their plans, on their own timetable in order to set themselves up in the best possible light - WITH NO REGARD TO THE BS and little or no regard for the children...

OR

Exposure takes the power of your life back. No matter what the squirming and squealing cries may say, the reality is that the BS did something BEFORE the WS plans could be fully implemented. The parents, children, coworkers are told the UNvarnished, unmanipulated truth.

So, the squeals are all about having their fantasy plans pulled out from the shadows and machinations into the cold, hard light of day open to scrutiny.

The other option is to sit back and allow your life, your future, your children and their future to be permanently changed while you do nothing because you fear the spouse might be driven away.

Spouses who leave and never come back after the truth has been exposed are spouses who were leaving anyway OR they are spouses who might stay in the marriage while never lifting a finger to recover the marriage.

I don't want to continue to give her the luxury of spinning this yarn to make her feel better. I also know, per comments I've made before, that what she fears most is looking like the "bad guy". Well, not that I'm innocent, she IS and she DOES need to face that fact.

-AlexEN