Thanks so much for the support, LilSweetie! It really does mean so much. I can't say enough how every response is truly a balm to my rawness.
I'm actually a pretty honest person when it comes to myself and my emotions and my flaws, so in a strange way, being honest about my sitch is not half as hard as actually trying to deal with not feeling like I know the absolute honest truth about my H's feelings, situation, mental landscape, etc. Of course, the truth is that we can never have that kind of certainty about another human being - let alone ourselves - so all we can do is cope and have faith in our interpretations of the world.
In any case, sorry to ramble.
Today is a strange day. I started the day extremely down on myself, but at the moment I feel somewhat neutral. It's really helped reading the various situations on the board. I feel lucky in many ways that we've been so cordial so far, and my H has been very kind in our dealings. He's not reacting like an alien (so far) as much as like the same old him but just a little more distant and troubled (knock on wood). I can at least be grateful for that.
He's maintained that he loves me throughout - perhaps out of a fear to hurt me or out of guilt, but looking at him I feel he's pretty sincere. I think the overwhelming sensation I've gotten from our dealings is that yes, I love you, but sometimes love just isn't enough.
Interestingly enough, after reading many of the other threads, I do feel somewhat discouraged at the amount of time it appears to take to patch things up, if it does happen. I know that I need to be realistic and think about GAL, but the sad truth is that I really don't have a lot of time to wait. The other sad truth is that neither does he. Ah well, I can't predict the future, so I just have to roll with the punches.
At least he's fickle as Hell. That trait is on my side, I think. His sisters feel he is extremely confused and having a hard time with everything. I've never met someone who could make major, major decisions as rashly as he does. Of course, on the flip side, I've been shoving that particular observation down his throat for years, so I may have created a "last stand" kind of situation. His sisters also worry that he's too embarassed to try to consider allowing himself to change his mind.
In any case, I could go on speculating forever. I've decided I'm going to do the following things to start beginning to GAL and distract myself. We'll see how they pan out.
1. Invited my coworker/friend over tomorrow night for drinks, dinner, and to put up the Christmas tree. I wasn't going to bother decorating, but in the end it might cheer me up and this is the sort of thing H always would have helped with, so I need to learn to do it myself.
2. I'm going to start exercising. I hate to do it and really feel like I'd rather shave off my skin than get on the treadmill, but I'm also not satisfied with my body so there's no use sitting around and doing nothing. H always was very complimentary, but he has gotten fed up several times at my "being down on myself." It had been much worse before the bomb, so I'm sure that doesn't help.
3. I'm going to make myself sleep more. I've never been a person to sleep much more than 5 hours a night, and things are worse now.
4. I'm going to start working on my writing again. This is a huge one for me since I've been slacking for a very long time. There's a novel living in my head that needs to come out.
5. I'm going to clean the house tonight, and maybe I'll pick up in the garage a bit.
6. I'm going to walk my dog for a nice long walk on the weekend instead of just letting her out.
7. I'm not going to read any old letters for the rest of this week. It certainly isn't helping me feel better about anything.
