That's funny...not really but you know what I mean. I read in five love languages book about the "point" system women use...1 day of us working=1 point. Them doing the dishes=1 point...you can see where this is going. We work 1 week=5 points. They do dishes, housework, kids to school etc=1000 points. From what I understand THIS is where the resentment builds up.
Ladies...please be kind... I read it in a book...books don't lie..LOL
Books do lie. A book is one person's opinion. That's why there are so many books that don't agree with each other !
I'll bet you I can find one book that says (by Freud no less) that daughters secretly desire sex with their fathers and that is the prevalance of "false accusations" of molestation.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Ohh, I just wanted to add something. I read a lot about Christians approaching this with an attitude that is somehow "dictated" from their beliefs.
I am a Christian too. Somehow I could never accept my H disrespecting me and treating me like sh!t because of these exact beliefs. It is strange but I think how we translate the word of God is always a matter of human weakness and needs. My mentor/priest/monk who I believe has direct access to HIM, (honestly), talked to me and to H separately a couple of times before we separated. He told me then "he will come back and he will regret he did all this but you need to look after yourself, you are as much as God's child as he is, he will have to come clean with HIM one day". This monk who lives isolated in a monastery, is of course totally against divorce but the advice he has given me over the last year was more harsh than any 2x4's I ever got here. His words "let him lose his soul, take care of yours and your kids". K
I know that DR advocates waiting the A out, since most end within 6 months. But is that really the most attractive option for the LBS (considering the "consolation prize" issue)? I guess waiting it out isn't the same as "allow your H to have his cake and eat it too." Stop allowing the cake-eating, but still leave the door open, just in case, as long as you are still willing to. Is my thought-process going in the right direction here?
I know it advocates that, and I largely disagree with it, for several reasons:
1. It saps (even destroys) the self-esteem of the betrayed spouse.
2. The longer they are in the affair, although there's a chance it COULD die of its own weight, there is also a chance that their emotional and physical bond will STRENGTHEN. It's also interesting to note that those that espouse the "Little Bo-Peep" approach are almost always the same people who advocate AGAINST exposure, when exposing the affair to the light of day is the VERY THING that would make it most likely TO die of its own weight!
3. The longer they are in the affair, the greater the risk for disease. Seriously.
4. The longer the affair goes on, the more of the family's assets are drained. Money spent directly on the affair itself (cellphone, clothes, lingerie, hotel, travel, gifts, private investigators, etc.), and on legal fees, can quickly add up. My wife's affair lasted only three months, yet it cost us almost $10,000 if you count her tummy tuck.
5. I strongly believe (and many AWASs and FWASs will attest) that the cheating spouse actually LOSES respect -- and love is tied closely to respect -- for the betrayed spouse when they don't fight for them, for their marriage, and for their family. A doormat isn't very attractive.
It's ironic to me that you write:
Quote:
He's had an EA with her since July, and a PA since the end of October, and not one thing has changed. In fact, he has moved even further away from me
and yet we're NOT supposed to take a tough stance, because it will supposedly push them further away from us????
Put it this way: it's a truism that people are path-of-least-resistance animals. If you don't lay out the boundaries that make a decision necessary, why would anyone decide???
Isn't there some Law of Thermodynamics (the 4th,k perhaps?) that says "a body at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force"???
Puppy..I know I'm totally taking this thread on another topic but you were talking about it..so here goes:
I know you are an advocate of exposure..now, I don't know for sure who this OW is I know she exists, and I know her spouse knows about my hub now also..but who are you saying tell: I've told our kids and another couple (that's all my hub knows that knows)..but I've also told my mom and stepdad and a few other friends of mine that will help me, check in on me, he doesn't know they know..
In a nutshell, what kind of boundaries or exposure are you talking about..and, if you don't wanna go with this topic here you can hop on my thread if you want..and I appreciate it if you do reply
I have read parts and pieces of your sitch, but, since I'm an instant mashed potatoes girl (want it now LOL), a synopsis would be fantastic!
By the way..to stay ON the topic..my WAH totally is a "stuffer" that keeps stuff bottled inside..can tend to get angry pretty easily, he says that it's hard to "forgive 15 years of crap", the last 5 have been pretty good (so why now..WTH?)..of course with an OM in the wings..makes it easy to see why eh?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Yes Puppy, I am sure there is such a law. But in my head for a while, I was seeing setting a deadline as playing games and I wanted him to come back because an INNER force within himself (like love, missing me etc) made him make a decision. I guess I was still a hopeless romantic... Not to mention, I wasnt ready to follow through...
We do have a saying that goes "Godess Athens will help but you need to give her a hand too" (Athens/Athina used to come and help all heros out of the blue when they most needed it. I dont know how it sounds translated but it means you always need to give a push yourself to the direction you wish...). K
- OM/OW's spouse - MIL, FIL, and any in-law siblings that you think will be supportive of the marriage - your own parents and siblings - your spouse's employer, if the affair is taking place at work - PERHAPS a best friend of your spouse, IF you think they will be supportive (very often, they are, in fact, an enabler, even the MAJOR enabler of the affair)
These should be done simultaneously, and without forewarning.
I do not advocate a wide circle of exposure to casual friends, but nor do I believe in lying to them if asked. "I will no longer lie to cover up your affair" should be the motto, but in general, some people report regretting exposing to TOO many people (I did), and not keeping it to just the above. In my case, there were a couple of friends that were not that close to me, that I should have kept my mouth shut. "A", because they're in no position to exert any influence on my wife anyway, and "B" because now that we've reconciled, it's damned awkward.
- OM/OW's spouse - MIL, FIL, and any in-law siblings that you think will be supportive of the marriage - your own parents and siblings - your spouse's employer, if the affair is taking place at work - PERHAPS a best friend of your spouse, IF you think they will be supportive (very often, they are, in fact, an enabler, even the MAJOR enabler of the affair)
These should be done simultaneously, and without forewarning.
Puppy,
Notably absent from your list is the kids... I thought you thought they should be told in an "age-appropriate" manner or is it situation-specific versus the above "general" guidelines?
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
